Croix Parler

[Croix]

I'd like to use this pace for miscellaneous matters that don't fit elsewhere or you think I might help

Thanks

Croix

[Moonstruck]

Dear Croix......I did laugh before...out loud. It was at Basil in Fawlty Towers. How could I possibly do this...but my laughter came...(thanks John Cleese)....does this mean I am indeed crazy?. I seem to fluctuate between OK and a real mess....with confused thinking and indecision about what I am doing next...in between the two extremes.

Does the "real me" ever come back. What I really want to know is....am I behaving in a relatively "normal" expected way for grief. I have never lost a partner through a death, although of course I have "lost" them in other ways....can I expect this loss to feel different....because it is a bit surreal at present.

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

First off I'm pleased to see you, I do tend to worry at times:)

Now your most serious question. I'm afraid to say you are absolutely normal, no question about it. Grief sends us all over the place, and under those circumstances a person's thinking is erratic and unpredictable. Surreal is a good word.

I know mine was. It gave me such a mix of emotions, one being anger at the unfairness of it all, and another being fear. Fear I could not cope, Fear of what life would be like with such a huge space to fill, of all sorts of things.

Both crying and laughing are just fine. Even at the time I'd laugh at "Get Smart" and a couple of other favorites. It was a tonic. You mentioned elswhere abut the 'official Moon' dealing with matters calmly, then being undone by talking with your son, affection does that, it unlocks the heart.

This time it may be different, though that is not necessarily as bad. Your memories later on (sorry to talk of later on, everyone does) will have good times to balance the loss. There is no blame here for anyone.

Will you ever be the "real me"? Yes you will be the "real me" again, but with the effects of this tragedy giving you more wisdom, more ability to cope, more understanding of others. Not noticeable on the outside probably, but you will have more depth. No big change, all will be well.

I remain your friend

Croix

[Moonstruck]

Croix... neighbour was at my door with a small bunch of flowers from her garden.....no she had not heard of my loss...she was bringing them for Mothers Day as she knew my sons are not here with me. I immediately started to tear up...and explained to her the reason. It touched my heart, that by coincidence, she was handing me flowers and caring, not for the reasons she thought.....excellent timing on her behalf I thought.

It's been awful, making arrangements in which I really have no power as I am not officially next of kin....but of course I knew him better and more intimately than any relatives.....I did hear music on the car radio yesterday...a little tune that always made me feel happy and chirpy....The tears began to flow of course.....I knew music would force me to "let it all out".....should I let it do that? thank you for your support....I really appreciate your care Croix....you are a wonderful person.....

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

That is "wonderful walrus" thank you. You've seen my (discreetly photo-shopped ) portrait umpteen times by now.

One thing I think is a mistake many make, and this is to try to persuade next of kin and close relatives of what the person might really have wanted. I think it is an additional grief nobody needs. Next of Kin is a legal title, and while it might give them a say in matters now does not in the slightest affect the important things.

You know what those important things are, the feelings and trust between you, the knowledge of each other's delights and despairs, all the matter that surround closeness. The simple pleasure of being together.

Your neighbor with the economy sized posy would have been a tonic for your heart, not only that there are good and kind people in the world who care about you, but the cry and the talk too.

As for music, "Music is the language of the soul" and can touch where words cannot reach, so with a heart full of grief some of the music that has touched you in the past - especially with happiness - will do so again and that grief will be carried out in tears. So "Let it be" and cry, it will be fine.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

I saw your post saying the funeral was today, that you had chosen music and words. That can be hard.

As for getting though it, tears, anxiety attack, the opposite and being steely calm (though I doubt it) is all better than I did. I ran away and hid as soon as I could and left the rest to others.

Now. looking back, it does not seem at all important. I was overwhelmed, so what? It is a tribute to my late wife and my relationship with her that I was overwhelmed at her funeral. We all show hings in different ways but the years we had together remain.

Go in peace Moon

Croix

[Moonstruck]

Dear Croix...

No I didn't run away like you did but I understand completely. My voice was a bit shaky in places but seemed quite calm and no anxiety attacks or crying floods of tears or anything. Going about things in a sort of business-like way today which seems inappropriate....but am told and from what I read....anything and any way I choose to handle it is appropriate.......I don't think I am in "denial" or refusing to acknowledge what happened or anything.....so perhaps I am really crazy, insane, odd, or perhaps much more pragmatic than I ever thought I was.

I keep wondering when I will "lose it". I don't seem to have broken up crying on the floor yet.....is that yet to come? Am I perhaps writing my own script? Am I in a movie with me as Star and Director, deciding what will happen next? Can I decide how I handle this, or "let it happen"...I realise I am asking questions no one can answer....so I do not expect anyone to. as the King said in The King and I "'Tis a puzzlement"

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

Please do not pay attention to labels, you are Moon, and different on the inside from the outside, and despite your directorial ambitions are being swept along by life. I don't think you can write the script though you can certainly try, it will happen just the same, not necessarily bad.

You are right about one thing, being the star. (Pity it's wasted on bowling)

If you are going to quote Oscar Hammerstein at me then I'll quote from he who should never be named right back

"Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast—"

Croix

[Moonstruck]

Croix ....better not get me started on Rodgers & Hammerstein...I have an avalanche of them!! During these hideous restrictions, which have hit us bowlers terribly as you can imagine......it is being wasted, and what a celebration it will be, if ever, we are allowed to shine again.....I never believed it would all come to such an abrupt halt.....leaving us wandering around wondering who to be.

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

“You gotta have a dream. If you don’t have a dream, how you gonna make a dream come true?”
-C

[Moonstruck]

Who can explain it? Who can tell you why? Fools give you reasons...wise men never try.......