Confronting husband about his hoarding

[Ranga-1]

Hello, everyone.

Those who've seen my previous posts will know I have a husband who has been very sick and an adult son with some mental health issues.

The good news is my son has been making an effort to practise his drumming every day. My psychologist says it's a good sign that his mental health is improving.

I have mentioned my husband has isolated himself in the shed. The problem I have is that he has been hoarding rubbish (literal rubbish, but not food scraps, thankfully). He has cleaned the shed before, but it has started again. He had an ABI about 15 years ago, so maybe this is a result of that. 

I am at the point where I want to move out for my own good. I am going to speak to my husband after Christmas and tell him that I have to make decisions that are good for ME. It's not an actual separation, but we do need space. I am very unhappy with the dynamic of the house and our relationship. 

I am thinking of suggesting a specialised cleaner (who deals with hoarding etc) come in every two months if he cannot face the thought of cleaning the shed. 

Has anyone else ever lived with this situation?

[Croix]

Dear Ranga-1~

Hi, it is good to talk to  you again and I'm pleased that your son is showing signs of improvement, it has been a constant worry for you for a long time.

If I understand matters correctly your husband is always in his shed and hoarding material that may seem pointless to you.  You also say he has Acquired Brain injury and is not able to work.

This is a very difficult situation that does require skilled professional care rather than talking o him and  pointing out the matter needs fixing.

If one adds in ABI than the matter my be even more complex, and could account for his hoarding and being in the shed all the time.

I am not sure that explaining matters to him would be productive, perhaps professional help could have better results.

You are right that you have to look after your own welfare too, and balancing the needs of someone  you love with the burden it places on you is very difficult. The only thing I can say is that if you are for example burnt out as a carer both at home and at work you need to be in a better place ot look after others.

As far as a specialized cleaner goes they can do a good job however I'd suggest checking with his clinician to see what effect such a clean-up might have on him. For example he may feel lost.

Do you have anyone to support you with your children and this situation? A family member or friend perhaps? Going it alone is very hard.

Croix

[Ranga-1]

Thank you for your support. My immediate family (siblings) don't know and I don't want them involved. 

He knows I hate the situation of the shed. I have, pursuant to my psychologist's advice, asked pointed questions. He has admitted he does not know why has let it get this way, but I don't think he particularly LIKES the shed being like that, either.

I am worried about the health and safety. Although the rubbish is confined to the shed, I am worried about the safety of it. 

It's not fair - I have sunk my inheritance into payout out our mortgage and doing stuff/renovations, but this is likely not going to help with the value of the house. If he does not agree to intermittent cleaning, I will have to speak to his mother and ask for financial assistance to help me move out.

I will keep you informed. 

[Sol]

Hi Ranga,

I've read through your post and reply and it's a very difficult situation that you're in. Does your husband have his own psychologist? I wonder if a professional could help him unpack why the hoarding is an important behaviour to him. As for your comment about prioritising your own needs, I think that's a mature and healthy mindset to have.

[Ranga-1]

Thank you, Sol.

I have suggested my husband speak to someone professional about his psychological needs. I have also told him my concerns about the state of the shed. Nothing has been resolved yet. I am due to see my psychologist about ten days. 

I have not yet told him I feel I need to move out - I'm thinking of getting work in a town about an hour away and seeing if I can find a cheapish rental. I will need to frame it in a positive way - I need space and our son could come and stay with me to find some work etc. 

It's so hard. I know I am going to hurt him deeply and I am not looking forward to it. Any pointers and tips will be greatly appreciated.

[Sol]

Thanks for the update, Ranga.

I don't have any pointers or tips as your situation is unique to my own life - however I wish you the best of luck with everything.

[Ranga-1]

Hi, wonderful community. 

It's been a while. My update is that I have graduated as a teacher and am getting lots of casual work. I'm going to be doing a block of work for four weeks at the beginning of next term in another town. I will be staying in that town through the week, which is going to be really good for me. I need to get away from my home.

My husband is going to see a doctor on Monday about adjusting medication to a form where he will be confident to take it. He was not taking medication because of swallowing issues, which he's had since being intubated a few years back. I was very angry that he was not taking meds because he is not helping himself. He will also speak to the doctor about a referral for mental health treatment. This is long overdue. 

Every time I try to say something is worrying me, he turns it back on to him. Our renovations aren't finished, and I said that the chaotic environment has worn me out. He said EVERYTHING has worn him out. 

My son has been drumming and being conscientious about getting up at regular times and keeping up with his epilepsy medication. However, today he asked how much therapy costs. I asked was anything in particular bothering him and could I help, but he said I couldn't or else he would tell me. I said if it was because he's not working at the moment, I said to keep his chin up because bad times don't last forever. I told him it was good that he was thinking about getting help if he feels he needs it.  He's been applying for jobs and not hearing back. He did a shift at a pub that went well, but they've put on someone else (a former employee who came back). He doesn't drive because he's not willing to risk a seizure. I'm trying to help as much as I can and think a move out of town will be good.

I said I am seeing my psychologist for a catch-up on Tuesday and will ask her for some names, in the event her seeing him also is a conflict of interest. I told him this might be the case if part of what he wants to talk to a therapist about relates to ME, but he said it's not me. 

I so scared and worried about him. 

[Psychdiaries2]

Hi there,

Welcome back to the forums. Thanks for opening up and trusting our community. Firstly, I wanted to congratulate you on the casual work you said you've been getting! I'm glad you're happy with going to another town and that it'll be a nice break for you. 

I can see that you're glad your husband is seeing a doctor soon and I hope that goes well and that he adjusts to the medication. It may sound silly, but I wanted to ask if you and your husband have talked about the worries you have like the renovations or his upcoming doctor appointment etc., and communicate about what it is exactly that has been stressful and how you can be there to support each other. I know it can be frustrating when you pour your heart out to someone and they just turn it back to them. It can feel very invalidating. Maybe you could try to say something like 'I'm trying to voice MY worries, so can you please listen to what I have to say first and we can talk about your worries afterwards'. 

It's understandable you're feeling worried about your son since he didn't explicitly tell you what he needed to talk to a therapist about. I think it's probably just best to let him know you're there for him and if he ever wants to talk to you, he can, otherwise there's no pressure. Maybe once he talks to a therapist, the problem, or whatever is going on will be sorted and that way he has taken initiative in getting help. 

Hope this brings you some comfort. I can see how much you care for your family and love them. Take care of yourself and enjoy yourself in the new town. Reach out whenever you need, we're here for you. 

Kind regards, 

PsychDiaries

[Annabelle_C]

Hi Ranga,

Congratulations on graduating as a teacher! After reading your post, I can only commend you for pushing through that despite everything life is throwing at you. 
After reading your post, I also found myself thinking about what you wrote when you said that whenever you try to share what's worrying you, the conversation comes back to your husband. That sounds incredibly difficult. Even when two people are both under enormous stress, we all need moments where we simply feel heard. I imagine that could feel quite lonely at times. 
I hope that when you see your psychologist on Tuesday, you will have that space that you need to feel heard and supported.
I wonder if that's something you might like to explore with your psychologist on Tuesday as well—how you can feel heard while also supporting your husband through everything he's dealing with?

I do not know you, your husband or your situation other than what you have written here, but it's also possible that your husband is carrying a lot himself at the moment and may be longing to feel heard too.
On the other hand, it is indeed a very positive sign that your husband is, as we can infer, looking into the costs of therapy - hopefully for himself. My hope is that if he is able to talk to someone, he will then have the space to be able to listen to your feelings.
Hang in there. As you said yourself, bad times don't last forever. I hope this next chapter, with your new teaching role and your appointment on Tuesday, brings a little more breathing room for you.

Annabelle_C

[Ranga-1]

Hello again, everyone.

My husband didn't get to see the doctor yesterday (the surgery cancelled). He will need to make another appointment.

I saw my psychologist today and spoke about his behaviour. I showed her pictures I have taken of the shed and updated her on the history. She said he is hoarding. 

I have not spoken to him about it since I got home because he is a bit unwell and sleeping on the lounge. AGAIN. 

I want to be fair but I've had enough. I cannot live with a hoarder. It's limited to the shed where he spends time, but it's still a health concern. I don't want to live with him if he's hoarding, but I am a joint owner of this property and much of my inheritance has gone into renovating and fixing up, so I'm really resentful. 

How do I approach this? I am going to tell him he MUST seek help, of course, but if he won't, it's going to be time to lawyer up. 

Do you think I should speak to his mother about my worries? She is in her eighties and I don't want to concern her too much, but this is her SON we're talking about. What about our two sons (25 and 22)? Is it fair to involve them? I need all the help and support I can get to ensure HE does what he needs to do. 

I have been gentle and understanding for the past few years, since he became very sick suddenly, but he won't do anything about the depression and the impact upon me is very unfair. Is it time for tough love?