What Am I Feeling?

[Fryifler]

Let me preface this by saying I am in a happy, healthy marriage of 3 years and also have 2 children who are as happy as can be.

Last year in November I developed an issue with intrusive thoughts, I'd attempt to avoid thinking them but they'd keep on coming. They were sexual in nature however, I made sure to tell my wife about them and once we had both understood the situation it simmered down. Everything was fine until at work this new girl started, I felt something one day that almost felt like a crush (didn't realise how common it was for even married people to develop them) and unfortunately even with that emotion I kept hanging out with her. I understand now that is emotional cheating and I regret my decision every day.

When I told my wife that I was still walking with, talking to and hanging out with this girl she was rightly very hurt and upset. However, since that day I have noticed my emotions haven't been right. Constant anxiety about being guilty, anxiety attacks are a near daily occurrence, overthinking everything, more intrusive thoughts and such. One thing that has happened as of recent is feeling similar feelings to that of a crush on random people. It happens to people of all age, size, sex and ethnicity. I am very concerned as I know I don't have feelings for these people as some I have never met in my life and some I have known for years. What could be causing this and what would this even be? I keep feeling guilty for feeling these things even though they mean nothing. Please help me as I am so very lost with what I am even feeling. Thank you so much.

[Sophie_M]

Hello Fryifler,

Thank you so very much for posting about your confusion around attraction in our forums. We are a safe place for users to discuss such confusions and concerns.

We understand that you are confused about the feelings of sexual attraction you have been having for people other than your wife. This is confusing you as you have no desire or intention of cheating on her, and you don't want to hurt her.

We understand that the attractions you have been experiencing are actually experienced by the majority of people. Having these feelings and attractions, and even internal fantasies, are actually a normal part of being in a healthy, long-term relationship. Many studies, across most cultures, when people are assured of their confidentiality, inform us that the vast majority of people, of both genders, experience these feelings and attractions. It only becomes cheating when people act on these internal feelings. Anything else would eventually mean that almost no relationship would be able to last long-term.

We also understand that the small minority of couples who discuss this aspect often come to an agreement that looking isn't touching or acting on, or as multiple people have written over the years, "I benefit when my partner sees someone that they really find desirable."

We would like to encourage you to talk with a sexologist or a sex therapist, either by yourself, or with your partner, if this discomfort around your internal feelings continues. You can ring our counsellors on 1300 22 4636 for assistance in locating local resources in your area, and to help you with any initial confusions. They are available 24 hours per day, every day of the year.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.


 

[Petal22]

Hi Fryifler,

Im so sorry you are experiencing this I know it’s hard.

I went through something very similar to you but my thoughts were just different in nature.

I never wanted to act out my intrusive thoughts, they went against everything that I stood for as a person.

I was terrified of the thoughts I was having, they were on repeat and unrelenting.

My intrusive thoughts lead me to have anxiety attacks.

I would have done anything at the time to stop  me from having these thoughts, I felt like I was made to watch an actual nightmare daily.

I knew I couldn’t endure this alone the feelings I was experiencing were really distressing me.

I seeked professional help and I’m so grateful I did I was diagnosed with severe anxiety OCD ,  ( it’s an anxiety disorder) my journey took time but eventually I recovered.

I know when we are experiencing these thoughts we just want to stop them so we try to but this will only make the thoughts stronger. This is because of the attention we give them the brain thinks they are important so it keeps bringing them up.

Just try to allow your thoughts to be there and float away on their own.

One of my compulsions was seeking reassurance I did this constantly I learned that this was part of the vicious OCD cycle I was stuck in, I learned through therapy how to disengage from this.

I understand what you are saying in regards to random people you see this also happened to me but with different intrusive thoughts.

You could start at your gp if you want to and explain what is happening with you internally they will understand.

You could also see a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist if you want to for a diagnosis.

Seeing a health professional was the best thing I ever did.

Hang in there I understand and please ask me anything.

[sbella02]

Fryifler,

Thank you for your honesty in your post, and welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Intrusive thoughts can be confusing, frustrating, or leave us feeling guilty at times. 

I've been in a similar situation before, where I developed a crush on somebody when I was in a relationship, despite having no intention to pursue these feelings. It was distressing and I resented myself for developing these feelings, until I began to do a little research into what this may mean. I came to understand that these feelings are normal, and it doesn't mean that you're any less attracted to your partner. The same is true for intrusive thoughts - they don't necessarily reflect reality. 

Would you feel comfortable discussing your intrusive thoughts and/or feelings of attraction with your GP, a therapist, or psychologist? To echo Sophie_M and Petal22, it may be helpful to hear some professional advice and strategies on how to manage your intrusive thoughts and the anxiety that comes with them. I know how much distress these kinds of thoughts can cause, and sometimes it can be useful to equip yourself with the skills to deal with them effectively. 

Wishing you all the best, and please feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like, we're here to support you. 

Take care, SB

[geoff]

Hello Fryifler, it doesn't matter how happy you are in a marriage and how much you love your kids and your spouse, these intrusive thoughts develop through anxiety, especially if you are struggling with OCD, something which your wife needs to know and needs help to understand what this illness can do to a person, as this also happened to me.

These thoughts aren't exactly what you want to do, it's this illness making you believe it's something you do want, that's why they are intrusive.

If your wife is finding this to be very difficult to understand then she needs help to understand this illness, just as you would benefit talking with a psych to help you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[therising]

Hi Fryifler

I feel for you as you sound so incredibly overwhelmed right now and incredibly confused, understandably so.

Being a gal who likes to consider a variety of takes on things, I'll offer you an incredibly outside the square take on what could be going on. I know this does sound truly out there but could it be possible you're in the process of getting a feel for people? To offer a couple of examples - You know when someone says 'I feel there's something off about that person' or 'That person is so high vibey, I can just feel their energy'. It's said that we're very 'feeling' creatures.

I'll offer a sciencey take. In quantum physics, it's said that we give off energy signatures, based on us being energetic creatures. Science has even captured imagery of the energy field around people. Some people are good at reading other people's signatures. If some people have an incredibly strong sexual energy to them, you can read that signature, perhaps without knowing it. You'll be feeling their sexual energy, which can make them undeniably attractive. A signature can be expressed in a variety of ways, such as in the hormones we give off, our micro expressions, in our tone of voice, in a simple basic vibe/vibrational signature etc. If someone is a deeply loving person, they'll give off an energetic signature we define as 'love'. You might find you always feel so peaceful around them and feel like you can be your true self around them. You can love your self around them.

So maybe what you're feeling is yourself 'reading' people, yet maybe stuck in only feeling sexual energy or maybe what you're feeling is a general attraction yet misinterpreting it as being sexual. Who knows. One way to test it is to see if you can start reading people differently, beyond a basic sexual feeling or 'base feeling'. Btw, both my kids are true naturals, they can easily read people. Can recall my daughter's frustration some time ago when she said to me 'I just can't get a feel for this person and I don't know why'. I asked her 'Is what you're sensing possibly a wall - They don't let anyone in, to get a feel for their nature, and you're feeling their wall?'. Her response, 'That's it. They're definitely a 'wall' person.

If you happen to be a sensitive sort of person, could this be what you're sensing?