Thoughts Vs feelings

[H3ll0]

I need help figuring out how and why I'm like this? And if anyone else is the same?

I was in a relationship and I kept doubting myself and my self worth and it got to the point where I was over thinking everything and I kept telling myself that I wasn't good enough, that they would be better with someone else, that I can't make them happy and that I must not love them anymore because I was thinking all of those things. It got to the point where I talked myself into believing that I wasn't in love anymore. My thoughts had over taken my feelings. I felt numb to emotions and feelings. It was like I couldn't feel the love that I had because of all the thoughts in my head.

Why? How can thoughts over rule feelings?

[therising]

Hi H3ll0

Strange when you think about it but from our early years we're typically taught how to think yet rarely ever educated on how to feel. Whilst thoughts relate to the language of the mind, feelings relate to the language of the body. We are taught that the mind is master. This is unfortunate, for the body has an incredible intelligence.

Life starts out for most of us as being truly sensational, literally. When we're little, we might indulge in the feeling of mixing water and dirt in the back yard (mud pies). We may raise our face to the sun, to feel the rays on our little solar panel (our face). We may give little thought to the fizz that hits our tongue when we pop our favourite lolly into our mouth, we simply love the feeling. Then suddenly, from out of nowhere, adults begin telling us how to think and what to do. They gradually eliminate the feeling out of life. In a way, it's like sucking the life out of life itself. Our imagination begins to atrophy and we become thinkers, not feelers.

Lately, I've been given the gift of feeling life again and it's rather bizarre I must say. Everything seems to have taken on new meaning. It's now that I've come to realise that the major difference between thinking and feeling is that thinking equates to computing (analysing, deducing etc), whereas feeling is about receiving subtle information. I'll give you an simple example of what I'm talking about:

My daughter came to me not long ago with a quirky question posed on social media, meant for a laugh I believe. The question 'Are rocks really soft but tense up only when we touch them?' I know it sounds insane but it got my imagination going. I sat in my back yard one morning with a cold, hard, rough somewhat heavy pebble in my hand. I then sat it on the fingertips of one hand whilst stroking it very gently with the fingertips on the other hand. 'Seriously?!' I thought, as suddenly the pebble felt like it had no weight to it. It had no cold to it and it actually felt soft, not hard. I thought 'Maybe it's just me'. I gave the challenge to others and they all were amazed, as they felt the same sensations. Without thinking about the pebble (judging it), we were all able to receive life differently through feeling. Feeling is an incredibly powerful experience that the body offers.

Whilst we may touch our lover's skin, do we receive it?

Whilst we may touch another with our loving words, how carefully do we receive their emotion through every ounce of our being?

🙂

[Alexlisa]

Hi H3ll0,

I can relate to what you’re saying and empathise with how you’re feeling. Being in a relationship can sometimes uncover things about ourselves that we might not have been able to see before. I know for me, I’ve been able to see that maybe my self-esteem wasn’t as strong as I thought it was. I started to judge myself very harshly for any perceived ‘mistake’ I was making in the relationship. I became hyper-aware of my ‘faults’ and it really took over both my experience of the relationship and also my time alone. It felt like I was going around in circles with myself, in spirals. I think it can be quite a common thing to go through if our self-esteem is not solid. We need to feel a certain level of self-worth to be able to feel and put faith in the acceptance and love offered to us by others.

You are absolutely right in how you’ve identified thoughts and feelings as not the same thing. But our thoughts can distract us and alter the way that we are experiencing real life. Such as distracting us from the real-life experience of our relationships. I think it might be good to look at working on building your self esteem, but there are also skills you can use to manage the kind of perseverating thoughts you’re having.

There is a set of tools developed by Russ Harris that I think you might find useful. It’s based on the idea that we can separate ourselves from our thoughts, take a step back and see them for just the noisy, powerless string of words they are, rather than anything important. The skills are called Cognitive Defusion. Have a look online for it. There are lots of ways to work with this, one can be visualising your thoughts as a chattering parrot in the background. Or thinking “I’m noticing that I’m having the thought that (eg.) I’m not good enough”. It might not sound like a big difference, but it lets you take that step back from your thoughts. It’s definitely worth exploring Defusion and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (which it belongs to) as its very widely used now and considered very effective.

I hope this helps a little. It’s good that you’re looking to find some answers to this situation. It shows that you’re self aware and willing to face your issues. Take care

Alexlisa

[ks1993]

Hi H3ll0,

I feel like I could've written those words! I've been in a happy, secure relationship for 8 years, however, this isn't enough to stop me from having moments of complete insecurity which I believe stems from my own low self-esteem and self-worth.

I will question (in my own mind) why my boyfriend has wanted to stay with me for so long, wondering what he sees in me and whether he will "discover who I really am" and leave me one day. I don't think like this all the time, because I've managed over time to recognise it as irrational and illogical thinking. I know I've got absolutely no proof or evidence that what I'm thinking is reality, but this doesn't stop me from having my moments of panic and desperation occasionally. As humans, we thrive off of belonging, security and being accepted, so it's natural to an extent to need validation and reassurance in our relationships from time to time.

Your brain is an amazing and very powerful organ - honestly, your thoughts can become so pervasive and persistent, that you are convinced that what you're thinking about is what is happening in real life. However, thoughts and just thoughts, even though they feel scary and all-consuming. When the primitive part of our brain senses unease or threat in any way, even in an emotional sense (e.g. feeling insecure in a relationship), the rational pre-frontal cortex (our "reasoning and thinking" brain) kicks in, and digs around looking for a reason for these feelings.

I believe this is when we can overthink and overanalyse situations, and really misinterpret the "threat" in our lives. In relationships, I think when we feel a little insecure, our brains can go wild searching for reasons we feel this way. For example, "he must have cheated, I must not love him anymore, he must be about to leave me, I'm not good enough." Our brain hates unknowns and loves to look around for answers, sometimes making up its own in the process! It's probably true that we can think around and around in circles so much that we are convinced that our feelings have changed, e.g. feeling as though we don't love someone anymore. It's probably our thoughts taking priority over our feelings at that point in time.

I really do know how you feel, sometimes we wish we could switch our pesky brains off and have a little break and a cuppa, right?!

Hope this has helped in some way!

All the best.

[MyLadyGirl]

H3ll0
When we are in a relationship, we always doubt our self by thinking are we great for that person or can we make that person happy or will that person be with me or stay with me for a long time. These questions cannot be answered by anyone or anybody even ourself. What we should not do is not believing or giving up in our self. Yes we will loose that confidence but never give up of what you have done to make a relationship success.
I am in a relationship and my partner helps people to build their self esteem and they take advantages (some of them) I am afraid too and feelings, but I do my best by making sure that we are happy. What’s happen next let it be.
If you do not give a chance to make that person being in love with you, how can you say that person deserve better. What makes you think that that person think that you are not the person wants to be in love or can give love too. Never judge a person thought and make your though jumble up. Do you best and you may be surprise that what you have been thinking