The spiralling feeling is circling again

Thommo1163 · ‎03-09-2021

I have thread on why I am here and whats been happening.

Right now though I am back living in me head which I need to shake. A friend has offered me a job as a courier driver. I already feel like I let him down because I was supposed to start last Monday but circumstances (see other thread) prevented me. I was supposed to go with him today to run through the job and be shown what to do. He just called to say things are slow so he isn't going out. He then tells me he can probably give me 3hrs of sorting & maybe 3 hrs on the road. I immediately started thinking that he is just doing it to help me out & doesn't really need me. My wife asked what was wrong and I told her and she just said don't worry, he is being a good friend. She could see I wa internalising everything again. For all that is happening between us, i know she loves me, I know she cares for me. Thats her default position and a reason for her wanting space, because she gets drawn back into looking after me mode. Probably why she has reached out to a male friend for comfort, or in my anxious case, a new destination.

How can I fail in a courier job. I am a more than capable human being that has built things, been the boss in jobs, run a household for 20yrs bringing up fantastic children. Yet here I am in the garage crying in fear, with my wife walking in and defaulting back to nurture mode telling me everything will be ok. She finally got me to smile and say I have got this. My default was to then tell her I love her. Which puts pressure on her wanting space. Got to get out of me head. Every issue that drags me back there ends up with me defaulting back how important my marriage is to my, how much I love my wife and then how do I cope when/if she does go. Vicious cycle. Time to put some music on, maybe even sing out loud. I have never sung before the other night. When ever it was time to sing happy birthday to the kids I would avoid it by taking a photo, or lighting the candles. I let them down by not being a part of it. 2 nights ago I was wide awake after midnight and decided I would record myself singing love songs that meant something, for my wife and sent them to her. Didn't get the response I was after but i then sent them to my kids and got nothing but praise. I have taken 2 little steps, towards progress alone. I just have to avoid little things taking back into living inside my head, its not a pretty place.

Thommo1163 · ‎19-09-2021

Hi Petal22. Thanks so much for your feedback. The last week and a bit I have gone hard at personal growth. I had trouble getting to see a psycologist and had been talking to a councellor. I had both last week. Ive been reading books, listening to audio. I have had my neighbours, an old friend all come out and support me. I should be feeling so positive after all this time has elapsed. Fathers day was hard, my birthday yesterday was torture. Our wedding anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks and I cant even think of how bad that will be. It is taking all my strength not to lose it again. So much has been said in the last week that confirmed all my suspicions. I have been taken for a ride into hell emotionally by someone I loved more than anything in the world. Of course she would never see me want to die basically drove me in that direction with lies and obfuscation. Having an emotional affair is just as hurtful as having a physical one. She now tells me its over again, no chance of a future with him. But is that to ease my mind or hers. Everyone tells me just move on, its a lost cause & I know thats right. But i cant turn off my feeling like she seems to be able to. She calls that growth. My future has been so tied to her its

Petal22 · ‎19-09-2021

Hi Thommo1163,

Thats ok 😊

Well done for seeing a councillor and psychologist I hope they are helping you…

Thats great that you have supportive people around you…. hold onto them and chat to them…. They want to be there for you…

Happy birthday for yesterday…… I’m sorry it was torture for you…. did you do anything with your kids for your birthday and Father’s Day?

Try to stay positive and keep working on yourself and being there for your children…… is there certain things you enjoy doing with your children?

Im sorry for everything that’s happened with yourself and your wife…. I know it would be really difficult for you…..

Im here to chat