Targeted and humiliated

Hella

There is a certain type of confident extrovert that appear to go out of their way to make introverts uncomfortable. As if shining a torch on someone, as if pointing them out to force unwanted attention onto them.

My most recent experience (as the introvert) with this, is a situation that caused me anxiety.

I am struggling to deal with a particular colleague. This character swans around his workplace like an absolute king. He is loud, highly social, fast, witty and very popular. His whole brand is to be edgy, to get a reaction, his 'teasing style' is dismissed as a bit of banter and hey, what a fun guy.

For a long time, I found him to be just mildly annoying, in the way he made jokes at my expense, as he did this with many people.

Recently, during one shift, I could sense that from the start of the shift this guy was really targeting me. He was staring right at me for so much time during group conversations when others spoke, totally sizing me up and ready to just take me down. He made negative comments in response to my every word and action. But framed so conveniently as just joking around - he has every comment carefully delivered to appear as a bit of fun banter. Nothing about race, religion or appearance - it was more of mocking my choice of words, my hesitation of words, the way I conduct myself.

I take pride in my work, and I'm always open to feedback, but he loudly brought attention to my weaknesses during a work task. The moment felt like an eternity. I really wanted some sort of diversion. I was extremely uncomfortable. Like he just kept at me, turning his jokes and my reaction into some sort of theatre for everyone's entertainment. The laughter from my co-workers was something I just didn't need to hear. I felt humiliated publicly. Worthless. Defeated. I could sense that this guy really enjoyed this moment. His smug expression really gave me the feeling that he knew exactly what he was causing to happen, and that he knew that he wouldn't be questioned about it from anyone. He was able to shift attention away from himself so that all eyes were on me to revel in my discomfort.

It really makes me feel down, not just about my own life , but down about the world. Why are there terrible people out there, why do they target the quiet and innocent people who are just trying to enjoy life? I've always aimed to be a good person and treat others with respect, so why am I the one stuck in this depressive hole, hating myself, taking a whole weekend to recover??

randomxx

Yeah , they're around and with a nasty streak of narc. Some there prob do see through him to but wanna stay on his good side.

l dunno , l see introverted or quieter people as special myself and have seen many times they have a lot going on but that guy and the like, they see it as weak , a target, makes you sick.

lt's even worse when it's out in the public somewhere, like a pub or something, they'll push for a fight or even just point blank go beat someone up.

But l've found on a lighter scale but just as hurtful really, even family or supposed friends, can use that sort of personality to take a few swipes at sometimes too , pretty disgusting l reckon.

rx

amd1953

There will always be people such as these. They are everywhere. I had to put up with this kind of treatment for almost a lifetime. The only thing that saved me was reaching the retirement age of 65.5 when I no longer had to endure this kind of abuse. I was bullied at school all through my teenage years and then into adulthood. These people rely heavily on the audience to put on a show and get the buzz that makes them do it. I have never gone out of my way to hurt or humiliate anyone. I am a firm believer in live and let live. Unfortunately, these people are spiteful and malicious. I doubt very much whether they will ever change. You're probably right about them picking on the quiet ones. I feel your pain and I hope you can perhaps reach out to someone qualified to deal with this kind of issue. I wish you well.

amd1953

therising

Hi Hella

I really feel for you so much. As amd1953 mentions, some people love an audience. They just love to make fun but it's never entirely fun when one person's not laughing. They typically rely on no one in the room being of an upstanding nature. They rely on bystanders who'll laugh along.

A percentage of the time there'll be someone else in the room who can sense how uncomfortable things actually are but they won't necessarily say anything. They'll just laugh out of discomfort or something else. Sometimes the goal can involve finding this kind of person or these kinds of people. This type of person is someone who you can get on your side. Once you start to share certain looks with this person, the dynamic in the room begins to shift. Sharing a single look that says it all could involve a roll of the eyes that equates to 'Here he goes again' or a head shake that says 'He just can't keep his mouth shut' or a raised eyebrow that says 'Hmmm, what's up with this guy?' or just a smile that screams 'This guys a joke'. It'll be someone in the room who's looking to take their cue from you instead of the attention seeking comedian who's making your life hell.

Personally, I love sensitive people. With their incredibly natural or super natural ability to sense a whole stack of stuff, they can actually suffer through being able to sense so easily and at times so deeply. Insensitive people, on the other hand, can be highly questionable. To an insensitive person, my question becomes 'Can you not feel what you're doing to me? Can you not feel yourself degrading me because I can damn well feel it. I can feel/sense your degrading and depressing nature'. I think sometimes the difference in how we feel comes down to whether we confidently trust our feelings and ability to sense or whether we don't. You mention 'I could sense that this guy really enjoyed this moment. His smug expression really gave me the feeling that he knew exactly what he was causing to happen, and that he knew that he wouldn't be questioned about it from anyone'. That is your super or incredibly natural ability at work. While he was sizing you up, getting a sense of your nature, you were already onto him. Maybe try giving him something to sense. Whether it's a look that says 'Dude, you're not a comedian, you're a fool' or 'We going down this humiliation path again, seriously?'.

While you're at it, try sensing the nature of others in the room. If you can feel any slight discomfort coming from anyone in the room, that's most likely a fellow sensitive or introvert. If you want to go the extra step, you could approach them afterwards with the question 'Did you feel how uncomfortable that was? What's up with that guy?'. Btw, I'm a gal who's never been a fan of stand up comedians who make their money from getting a laugh out of degrading people. To me, that's not entertaining, it's just uncomfortable.

Hella

Hey therising

I really like your perspective on this, thanks for sharing your thoughts. it is small group of people and they all seem to worship this guy, but I'll see how I go at finding someone who shares in the discomfort.

I'm not fast at responding, and usually delayed with thoughts and making sense of it all. Most of my awareness arrives later when I'm alone. I want to be better at identifying these feelings in the moment so I can respond. If anything , my reaction is shock and disbelief , as in 'why is this happening'.

Mark07a

I dont know why people behave like that?

Is it possible he was doing 'it' with good intentions or from a friendly place?

Im sorry you have to put up with that crap, it sucks when people behave like this in the workplace as you have to see them everyday and it really gets you down.

Ive been experiencing bullying in my workplace for over a year now and boy is it a struggle to go to work for me.

therising

Hi Hella

I can relate to what you say. Some people's behaviour really does surprise or shock me and can leave me having to make greater sense of it all later. Leads me to think of someone in my life right now whose behaviour is seriously challenging me. Their behaviour is actually dreadful and I know it's dreadful because I often feel a sickening level of dread in the lead up to interacting with them. Maybe that's why no one else has that much of a problem with these kinds of people, they don't feel the dread or feel the surprising or shocking nature of such people.

It's interesting how when our confidence or self esteem is forced to develop we come to feel very different emotions around these kinds of people. What was once fear is now felt as courage. What was once dread is felt as a healthy degree of intolerance. I never really gave this much consideration before and therefor want to thank you for the thread you've created on the forums here, which has led me to this revelation. If not for you, it could have taken me months to finally reach this conclusion. I desperately needed this right now. You've helped me more than you could imagine.

What do you want to begin feeling around this guy as work? What do I want to feel around this family member I mention? Courage, a healthy degree of intolerance or something else? Maybe it's a bit of a 'chicken and egg' scenario. Which came first, confidence/greater self esteem or the emotions being consciously generated (worked up within us) that eventually lead to confidence/greater self esteem? With courage being born from the heart, it remains important to not build up a heart racing level of courage. We might need to breathe some out/calm it down on occasion.😊

randomxx

Yeah , sadly it's all about confidences if you ask me and l hate that word bc there's so much about it and pressure to supposedly "be it" - these days, it's everywhere especially internet wise.

But everyone is different and wth dozens of different shades in personality, they way they push that word though these days it's like we're all suppose to be from the same mold.

For me , especially being dyslexic and especially when l was younger, l'd have block moments, it's sort of a bit like a shyness or might come across like that, but in my case it's literally a mental block. But those sort of people spot that stuff and choose their moment to take a swipe.

ln later 20s, l realized that thing with me was very misunderstood at those times and those types weren't gonna wait around and be nice about it. So while l hated having to resort to this and l realize to that not everyone can manage it, l knew that l couldn't let that "block " , in at those moments from then on, with people like that, some of them family and so there was gonna be a life of it if l didn't pucker up so to speak.

So, l started forcing myself to unblock and have at least some sort of come back when they'd swoop, even if it was just a tone or look. lt took awhile but eventually they realized l wasn't gonna let their crap get to me anymore, l might even throw something back on a good day and it all stopped.

Good thing about getting older though l found is that you can still have the same effect without really doing or saying anything much, but even with just a look or a just kinda putting out a strong type vibe, they'd pick that up and and back off. Still practising though a few decades later but l hate having to be like that it is only around certain types of people though.

Weird thing really but last few yrs l only just realized that my older brother, although he has a fairly gentle sometimes unsure type personality, quieter, he will always say something or point something out, or question, and he'll do it in a really quiet kinda unchallenging way but he will do it to straighten out anything someone's said he either didn't like or thought wasn't right.

lt's a skill and half to have, wish l'd seen it years and years ago and learnt his trick.

l use to think he was just picky and it got on my nerves but later on l realized he's not at all , he just won't listen to any bs.

rx

Hella

I try to assume the best in everyone's intentions, but over a long time there has been such a negative vibe from this person, that I have doubts if there are any good intentions or friendly place towards me. There is a way that they speak to me (and speak about me) that is so different to how they interact with others. Very disrespectful to me.

Sorry to hear that you have been experiencing bullying in your workplace - to me the bullying should have disappeared decades ago, we should all know better.