Strange reaction to something that happened?

[Guest_342]

Hi everyone. I hope you are having a nice Christmas / holiday season.

I wondered if any of you might have some thoughts to offer about a reaction I felt when a few fairly minor things happened tonight.

I was hosting a family dinner for 7 of us. Two (my uncle and a family friend whom I do not know) were coming late - around 8:30 or 9 - and I had specifically asked my uncle the week before whether they would be having dinner before arriving so I knew how many people to cater for. They said they would eat here, so I bought supplies for 7. My uncle gratefully said to please prepare the food for them too and put it aside until they arrive.

Then when they arrived, neither was hungry - they had eaten not long ago but did not acknowledge that I had catered for them. And when they arrived, My uncle advised the other to put their bags in my garage next to the front door, without asking me first. I actually get a little embarrassed about people going in there because it sometimes smells due to my cat having his litter tray in there. They pushed the door instead of sliding it and it broke of its rail and made an almighty crash. Then three of the guys - my dad and two uncles - spent the next half hour trying unsuccessfully to fix it. My first uncle cut his finger and got blood all over the place and didn’t clean it up - I had to. Then when I went up to the bathroom to see if he was alright, he and the other uncle were in there, and they had opened my cupboard and opened a bar of soap. I feel like my bathroom cupboard is my private domain and I feel like my privacy has been invaded. And I also did not give them permission to touch the soap - there was plenty on the basin.

I didn’t say anything about these things but I felt unhappy for the rest of the night and told my dad I was done with the night.

My dad said he’ll come over in two days to help me fix the door, which I am very grateful for - because I won’t need to pay for a tradesperson. But in the mean time I don’t know how to keep my cat out of the garage while I am driving in and out without having that door.

I was in tears after everyone finally left. And now I feel like I have made Christmas unpleasant and that I didn’t show gratitude for the lovely gifts I received and company I had. I just wanted everyone to leave.

I know I am over-reacting to these little things and don’t understand why it has upset me so much.

[Doolhof]

Hi Gelati,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I am wondering if you are a personal person and felt like your privacy had been invaded and that may have caused you to have such a reaction to the events.

Christmas can be a time where we want everything to be perfect and when something goes wrong it is like the world is about to explode.

My reactions are similar to yours at times. My depression increases and my anxiety spikes and what should be a minor event turns into a catastrophe!

Maybe in a couple of days time, you could send a text message out to everyone thanking them for the gifts you received.

Do you still have the broken door? Can you put it on its side to keep the cat safe or can the cat still jump it?

Take a few deep breathes. Go through in your mind the events you didn't enjoy, then think about what did go well.

Hope you are able to enjoy Christmas Day and let go of some of the tension of last night.

Cheers from Dools

[White_Rose]

Dear Gelati

I am so sorry to learn how upset you have been. It is usually the small events that cause the most hurt and difficulty simply because they are small and sound petty when you speak about them. I can understand how you felt after going to the trouble of preparing a meal which was not wanted when they arrived. I think it would have been better to mention that you had cooked a meal for them. Letting them know they had asked for a meal to be kept and then saying they did not want it is plain rude.

However you would have been embarrassed to say this I expect and it may have produced an 'atmosphere'. I find when my ex is at my home (because of family gatherings) he tends to take over as host and offer everyone food and drink as though it is his home. I get very annoyed about this. It's my home and making people comfortable etc is up to me. He tries to organise everything, tells me what I am doing is not right and he has a better way. Truly, I could scream at times. In fact I told my daughter not to bring him again one year but I know it would cause a fuss with the rest of the family so I let it slide. I think my daughter told him and he has mostly stopped doing this.

I think the most irritating part is that he does not do this in any of our children's homes. Because it's my home he appears to feel he still has rights to do as he pleases. So all I do is tell him to sit down and I will do whatever unless one of the girls is already doing it. Actually it's quite funny as my two daughters will arrive and take over the chores. I know they do this from love but also because they know I have been unwell. And I am happy for them to do this. Is this logical?

Please try to move past this hurt and in future make it very clear what you will be doing for latecomers.

I wish you a happy Christmas.

Mary

[Guest_342]

Dear Mary and Doolhof. Thank you for responding so quickly and thoughtfully to my message. I very much appreciate hearing your suggestions and experiences. Your messages gave me a bit of peace of mind and some important things to consider. My best wishes to you both.

[Doolhof]

Hi Gelati,

Happy 26th of December to you! One thing I try to remind myself is that right now I have the opportunity to use this time the best way I can. Yes, sometimes life gets messed up, we do have choices on how we react and how we look at things later on.

It makes me feel good when people come to our home and feel comfortable enough to make themselves a cuppa, get a drink form the fridge or best of all do the dishes! I don't care where they put things away, I will find them eventually.

We are all so very different regarding our expectations, desires and requirements.

We went to my husband's family's for Christmas. As I don't drink alcohol when I am driving I have to ask for water, I am never offered anything else to drink. I take a water bottle with me so I have a drink on the way home as I am usually parched. It seems water is in short supply at their place. Ha. Ha.

Hope you get the door fixed and the cat is safe.

Maybe you could consider sending out texts thanking everyone for coming. It makes me feel better when I can be nice to others.

Wishing you a day of positive reflections.

Cheers from Dools

[quirkywords]

Gelati

Thanks for your posts. Mary and Mrs Dools have given you support and helpful suggestions.

I am not comfortable entertaining and one time my brother was visiting as a surprise and I had my bedroom just as it was messy as I had put everything else in the house in that room! When I was busy downstairs he just opened the door and told me I should tidy it!!

I felt I couldn't relax and was upset. I felt upset his words nearly ruined the visit until I told him I was very busy with my shop and liked him visiting, he wasn't staying, but would appreciate him being more positive.

I think family mean well but don't see that their actions or words can appear thoughtless to the host.

Thanks for your feedback. I also learnt from Marys and Mrs Dools replies.

Quirky

[Guest_342]

Thank you so much for your message, Quirky.

[Guest_342]

Thanks Dools 🙂