Self Sabotage

Gumtree77 · ‎02-04-2020

Hi All

I hope everyone is coping as best they can during this nightmare. I personally am not. I am self isolating with my 16 year old son. He is totally addicted to computer and it is all I can do to get him to have a shower. He has not left the house in three weeks. I had major shoulder surgery three weeks ago and he was here to help me bless him. It was a terrible time as the pain was indescribable and I basically did not sleep for one week. I also ended up in emergency with a possible embolism which luckily I did not have.

Prior to all this I have been on work cover for the shoulder injury so was limited anyway. Last year I developed neuralgia which initially presented as throat cancer. MRI and other tests ruled all this out. I used to drink and smoke a lot due to my depression and anxiety. During this time I of course stopped all of that.

Now with this current debacle I am back to my bad habits. I am so useless and pathetic. I worry about the ramifications but I feel powerless to stop. I know I sabotage myself. I try to eat healthy and go for walks and go days on end without the drinks/smokes...then I see the news and what is going on and go back to the old rubbish again. Then suffer major anxiety and the neuralgia comes back. I just cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel and my only real concern is my son. Then again as he is only 16 I feel the full responsibility of being here for him as he really does not like his dad and there is barely any contact between them.

I also lost my beloved dog in December and I just feel overwhelmed with loss, anxiety, grief, depression and total chaos. I try to do the right thing! I walk everyday, do my pt exercises daily....keep the house clean and on top of finances etc. I guess we are all in this and nobody knows when it will end. I know I can't keep doing this shit to myself but I truly do not know what else to do. Please help.

jemma09 · ‎03-04-2020

Good evening Gumtree77

It sounds like you are going through a lot. Thank you for sharing with us.

May your beautiful puppy dog rest in peace.

I'm sorry to hear about your health problems. It is understandable that we go back to what we know and our old habits in times of uncertainty. Maybe having control over these habits is our way of fighting back to whatever is going on. You are definitely not pathetic or useless, you are just trying you best, remember that.

I am glad to hear you have a wonderful son, how lovely that he was there for you during your healing! What you have said here about your positive habits is great! You should be really proud of yourself for doing your walking, exercises, cleaning, etc. Those are all big things, so good on you.

Have you got anyone close to you that can provide some support with tasks to allow yourself to have a break? Do you see a regular counselor or similar? If you feel that talking to someone regularly to work through your issues could be a good idea, I suggest having a chat with your doctor. Give them a ring and they would most likely be able to do a phone consult if you are feeling that concern about the virus and want to avoid going into the clinic itself.

I truly wish you all the best Gumtree77. Stay safe and healthy, and may calmness wash over you.

Gumtree77 · ‎03-04-2020

Thankyou Jemma so much for your reply.

I will have a phone consult with my Dr and I do have a psychologist I will call. I haven’t had a consult with him in weeks due to my surgery etc.

Yes my son is the light and love of my life . I shouldn’t complain; I have it a lot easier than a lot of poor people.

Thanks again and sending a hug. You too take care and stay safe xx

jemma09 · ‎03-04-2020

Hi again Gumtree77

You are very welcome. That's great, it's understandable you have had to take your time to recover. But what a great time this is to reach out again.

Your struggles are still important though, just because someone has different circumstances does not make you any less. You deserve to get the help you need.

Thanks! Virtual hug right back at you! 🙂

Tangney · ‎03-04-2020

Hi. I don't think the people who are making these rules have any idea how hard this is on people who were dealing with other issues before all this happened. My circumstances are different to yours but I'm having very similar feelings. Thinking about the possibility that this could go on for months is debilitating. I really wish that I was an emergency services worker, just so that I could get out of here. I feel really sorry for the cruise ship crews and people who have been locked in hotel rooms and treated like criminals as they are even worse off. I hope it helps you to know that there are others around who aren't finding the simplistic suggestions that are being offered helpful, like call a friend, or do some yoga. If it was that easy, we wouldn't be on this forum. It's completely understandable to revert to bad habits when your other coping strategies have been all but eliminated. I hope you are able to find a way through this awful time.

Gumtree77 · ‎04-04-2020

Dear Tangney

Yes it is very difficult especially when one suffers from anxiety, depression and isolation already. Not being able to visit my dear old Mum or anyone really is the worst. It is a horrible time and I as everyone have no idea when and how it will end. I vacillate between despair and rage. Rage that this can happen in this day and age. Then my paranoid mind starts thinking it is a conspiracy...and round and round it goes.

I send you a virtual hug . Thank goodness we have this site at least. xx

White_Rose · ‎04-04-2020

Dear Gumtree

Hello and welcome to the forum. I happy you found us here and that we can help to support you. Please write in whenever you need to chat.

It's good you are going to talk with your GP and your psychologist. They are best placed to help you through this time although friends and family plus beyondblue also have a role to play. I'm not sure if this is a live link or you need to copy and paste. www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/looking-after-your-mental-health-during-the-coronavirus-outbreak If not live immediately our wonderful moderators will be working their magic to make it a live link. You can tell I am not a computer person. I suggest you browse this information as it may be very helpful.

Of course we cannot write ideas for everyone and every situation so these are more brush strokes. If something appeals to you and you would like more information or just to talk, please write in here.

While I am nowhere near as unwell as you I have been confined to my home by my family who love me very much. I come into two risk categories for the coronavirus. I am part of the older population and I have a serious medical condition. Not a lot of fun spending the day alone. One daughter visits in person in case I need something and the others have set up Zoom links to chat which means I can talk to my grandchildren without being at risk. Do you have other family or friends who could link with you in this way? Just a thought. Perhaps someone could take a laptop to your mom and you could talk that way.

I can tell you some of the coping mechanisms I have found that work. Doesn't they will work for you because, as they say, horses for courses. I hope you will see them as sincere suggestions no matter if they are all not good for you.

Keep a list of favourite activities on your fridge door. When you are upset chose one and do whatever it is.
Treat yourself to some pampering such as a long warm bath with your favourite perfumes.
Can you get out for a massage? Perhaps there is someone in your local area who can come to you.
At a stressful time in my life I started to trace my family history and became enthralled in the trail. Many years later I still pursue new leads. If you get to talk to mom perhaps she can join you in the research and give you family names and relationships.

These restrictions can be seen as unwelcome and inappropriate. What's the alternative? Allow life to go on as before? Quickest way to kill off large numbers of Australians.

Mary

Gumtree77 · ‎04-04-2020

Dear Mary

Thankyou so much for your reply. I am so sorry you are unwell and isolated. So glad you seem to have a very good head on your shoulders and have ways of managing the stress/boredom/isolation/uncertainty.

I guess this has hit me so hard as life has not treated me well over the last year or so anyhow; with a severe injury sustained at work; losing my job because of it; pain and suffering and the recent surgery to supposedly fix it. Losing my most beloved dog in December after a rapid illness....I thought things were tough then..now everything is just impossible.

I suffer health anxiety and OCD plus PTSD and depression. A great deal to try to live with on a daily basis. I will continue to speak to my professionals and try to do the right thing as much as I can. I am really hoping to get another dear dog but then I think 'what if something happens to you; who will look after him/her' etc...I know, I am a very pessimistic person and I detest that in me. The bright side is my darling son and the fact I do not have to suffer financially. I have a lovely home in a lovely area and a huge backyard so even if worst comes to worst and we can't go outside so to speak I still have this. A lot more than a lot of poor people.

I certainly don't think we should lessen the rules around the pandemic. I am just struggling as to how such a thing can happen in this day and age. And as I like everything done yesterday the sheer uncertainty of how long this will continue bothers me greatly. I know I have to simply let go and have some faith that the powers that be know what they are doing and it will be over one day.

Sending you hugs and thanks again.