Saying no (social anxiety)

[gloria10]

Hi all,

I have a bit of a problem with family outings. I understand that when you make plans, sometimes things change and for those with anxiety this can be a reason for it as well.

I'm finding that one of the reasons for my social anxiety is that I need to feel that I can change my mind or say no, yet with my family I feel like I've got no choice. One person in the family tries to control this and if I cancel for any reason I get 'if you keep cancelling no one will want to spend any time with you'. I don't do it on purpose, just sometimes I feel a sense of relief when I can say I change my mind or say I'll think about it.

I did have a relationship where I broke up with someone and things went downhill after that and the controlling person said I should have checked with them first before making that decision. Over the years I think I gave control to them and now its hard getting it back.

My question is, how do you stand up to someone who yells at you every time you say no?

[pipsy]

Hi Gloria. It sounds as though you have issues with controlling family, where you are forced to justify when you say you can't go somewhere. I think, under the circumstances I would tell my family, that I don't feel comfortable having to justify my actions and leave it at that. When they yell at you, I would ask them to not yell, tell them you're not deaf and yelling doesn't get them anywhere. No-one friend, or family has the right to make you do something, or go somewhere you don't want to. Retaining control over your life can be difficult when you emotionally surrender it. Don't take on their anger and don't allow them to make you feel guilty for changing your mind. Controlling people are great at turning blame back. If they try to abuse you, simply ask them to leave you alone for now. Unfortunately family seem to believe they have more right to your life than you do. Not true. You are in control of your life, no-one else.

Lynda

[gloria10]

Hi Pipsy,

Thank you for your advice. It is like that where they have tried to control things for a long time. I have managed to break away for some point with career and study decisions, which has been great, but I think based on past mistakes every time I say no its like I fail and give them to right to get angry.

I've also been getting the same response with regards to a change in jobs, where I'm not listened to, instead they tell me what they want to hear.

I'll definitely have to talk with a psychologist, but its nice just to get it off my mind a bit 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello Gloria

Ah, people who love to control others! What pains they can be as I have found out. You are right, it's not easy to stand up to these folk. The saddest part is that many of them believe they have your best interests at heart. We know that's not true but they do believe this and get very cranky when you state your independence.

I am gobsmacked that someone believes you should ask for permission before ending a relationship. That's taking concern far beyond the reasonable.

You are right about giving control to others. We do it for a particular occasion or reason and before we turn round every decision is in their hands. And yes, it's hard to get back. Generally it's too difficult to take control in one swoop, so work on one thing at a time. After a while, when people get the message, you will find yourself managing your own life.

Family outings seem to be the problem for you at the moment. Try not to be pushed into an immediate decision. When something is planned, say you are not sure if you are available, or something similar. When someone demands an answer straight away, simply repeat the same statement and go on saying it. If you can. move away to do something different or talk to someone else.

This is called the broken record tip. Just repeat your answer as though the needle has stuck on the record. Do you know, I have just realised that expression is no longer applicable. We don't use vinyl records, but I am sure it's still understandable.The other person will give up if you firmly and quietly repeat your phrase. He/she won't be happy but they will have got the message.

If this person raises their voice to you, wait until the shouting has finished and there is silence before you say, firmly and quietly, "There's no need to raise your voice, I am not sure". It takes practice but once you have mastered this you will find it useful. Eventually your family will see they cannot bully you into an answer and you can make whatever answer you want. Yes I would love to join you, or no I cannot go. And you will find you are able to change your mind without a great fuss.

Keep chatting to us.

Mary

[Greyhound123]

Hi Gloria, sorry to hear you are feeling that way. I think you got some good advice above. I too have a problem with people always trying to control me, both in my family and in my work. I found you have two types. the type who will just yell if they don't get their way, or the type who try and make you feel guilty if you say no. For me I found that with both types, if you maintain your dignity and don't get angry, define your boundaries and if you feel necessary then tell them the reason for your boundaries, and keep saying no, eventually they will give up. Often people will try and gain commitment from you so that you will feel guilty if you don't comply in the future. Sometimes this is conscious sometimes not, but if you do not want to commit then don't. Once somebody has bullied you, the harder it can be for them to accept that you won't be bullied anymore, but you need to stick to your guns. Good luck.