Anxiety: Accepting my limits, or living up to my potenial

Just Sara · ‎13-05-2016

When I was in high school, my maths teacher recommended I move up a level to an advanced class. I was so excited; I was better than I thought. When I attended my first class, the reality of my situation was as clear as day. We were doing scientific notation, and my text book read like something in another language. I had no-one to sit next to, and alone I struggled with what was to be realised later on, as being 2 yrs behind the kids in that class! I took that text book home and did as best I could with its guidance. I did learn some things, but feeling so isolated from the others, and not knowing how to ask for help, I cried until they put me back in my old class.

I understand now about this situation; there was no transitional program. Nothing had been taken into account about my individual needs. I was expected to just catch up. This was pretty ignorant, even for the 70's. I was approached the following yr by the science dept to move into their advanced class, but challenged it with what I knew would work; I cried.

The powers that be saw my potential, but didn't understand me as an individual. They didn't push me because I cried; it must've felt like they were hurting me. A similar thing happened when I played sports. Our team worked our way from D grade to B grade and were at the precipice of winning and automatically going into A grade. In that game, I injured myself so badly, I couldn't affectively play sport again. I've gone over that scenario so many times wondering if my subconscious had a role in it.

This has been the story of my life; average forever...safer and easier that way. But now, my potential is what I need to survive this insidious disorder, and fight 'city hall' in a legal battle. Psychiatrist, psychologist and GP all have said it will send me into a relapse. Do I accept my limits, or transition myself to use my potential when I really need it?

What do you say?

Dizzy x

pipsy · ‎13-05-2016

Hi Dizzy@home. From what you say, I gather everytime you go beyond your means you end up in a crying heap. I think from what you say, I would accept my limitations, (frustrating, though it is). Perhaps what your teacher thought she saw was, in reality, you just trying your best to show you were capable. To accept yourself for what you are capable of, puts you in a better frame of mind. To keep fighting against yourself which is basically what you're doing is to make yourself suffer. Having a legal battle to fight on your own is not really ideal, unless you're fully conversant with the law. Do you have legal counsel, I wonder if you'd be eligible for legal aid? I realize I'm not really saying what you'd like to hear, I'm just concerned that, given your history of 'melt down' every time you try to go beyond your limits, wouldn't it be wiser to accept what you can't change, change where you can, and, most important, know the difference between what is and isn't possible. That last part is a portion of the 'prayer of serenity'. Using your potential is fine, if you can without causing yourself anguish.

Lynda.

Just Sara · ‎14-05-2016

Pipsy...I want to really thank you for challenging me with your response; I so needed it! I read it last night and went away to think. The thing with my potential, is that I see it too. I've never been taught to push myself. My parents didn't value excellence; only survival. My anecdotes represent a learned response that gets me off the hook. You mentioned '...going beyond your means...'; my potential isn't beyond my means. I've exercised it many times in non threatening situations. As with your words, my health care providers haven't seen me at my best; I have. I know I can be a force to be reckoned with, I just haven't had enough experience to develop those skills and attributes; more importantly is my confidence.

Workplace bullying as with dysfunctional parenting, wears down self confidence and replaces it with helplessness. I believed my parents and I ended up believing my employers. In both cases, rules were broken and experience was lacking on my part. I did what I knew, which was to stand up for myself using policies etc. and was abused in many ways over a long period. I now know they too saw my potential. But instead of helping me to develop it, they were afraid of it exposing their inadequacies and rule breaking.

In your words I saw what I've been doing to myself Pipsy, staying average because it's safer. Staying a victim because I'm tired, and crying when it's hard because it works. But life's hard sometimes, and I've become a master of avoidance. I need to apply myself and push to full-fill my true potential and; you're right about needing someone to help. I've enlisted a family member who's pushed herself to heights from accepting her own potential. I knew it and pushed her to fight for herself. How ironic!

My siblings are as intelligent as I am. But we've all suffered from the same affliction...low self esteem and fear of the future. Time to knuckle down 😉

Many thanks Pipsy...don't know if my response was what you expected, but you have broken through my barriers of fear and low self belief...Dizzy x

pipsy · ‎14-05-2016

Hi Dizzy. Don't know whether to be flattered or not by your response. If I have helped you as I think I have, that's good to know. One thing I have picked up on, staying a victim because of tiredness and crying when it gets too hard- works. I didn't mean to imply you're a victim, all I meant was over extending yourself to prove a point doesn't always achieve the results you're after. Crying because you are unable to do something is not a sign of weakness, it can be because it's simply beyond your knowledge. Sometimes staying average is simply self acceptance. I consider myself average and I'm quite happy with that knowledge. If you can achieve what you want that's great, if you can't, learning to accept what you can achieve is also great. My self esteem was non-existent for years, due to abuse in my family. I am now happy where I am in my life. Be good to yourself, you need to care for you.

Lynda.

Just Sara · ‎14-05-2016

I'm sorry Lynda if I misunderstood the meaning of your post. And no, you didn't imply anything about victimisation. That was me berating myself. The issue I realise now, isn't my potential or being average. It's how I respond to situations I feel may be beyond my capacity to deal with and the fear of humiliation and failure.

I'm nearly sure this feeling I get is due to a post stress response from being frozen in time at high school. I need to resolve that event within me so I can move on. I have so much I want to achieve. Yes, I have a choice to stay safe and not challenge myself to grow and develop. But honestly, I don't know how to do that.

So again I'm sorry...please forgive my insensitivity...Dizzy x