Resolving the Negative?

[sagebrush]

Hi all.

My question is this: People who have had horrible things happen to them in their lives, How do you actually get over it?

I know I am lucky to be alive. I know that I am better off than people in third world countries. I know I am fortunate to have a roof over my head.

I am greatful for all the basic things in my life. I am at a point where I am relatively stable with my anxiety/depression. But the past 30 years have just been one horrible situation after another, is there really light at the end of the tunnel?

I know my life is also dotted with awesome things, and happy things, but the negative of the past haunts so prominently, that it detracts from everyday life.

Its been 1 year since the absolutely most horrible thing that I thought that would never happen, happened, but situations just keep coming up that bring me down. I try to have hope for the future, but then something reminds me that there is no point having hope. Life has been a daily struggle for most of my life, why would this suddenly change? How can I make this change when the things that happen are out of my control?

[BballJ]

Hi sagebrush,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I hear what you are saying and I get it.. it seems things always have a way of piling up on us. I guess it depends on how you try to look at life.. I have learnt to try and find the positive in most things... Instead of seeing things that happen always as a negative, see how it may have helped you to grow, be a better person etc. Life is not easy, I'd imagine most of us understand this, but we need to try and make it as easy on ourselves as possible.. learn to control what we can control and let go of what we cannot control. I know it's hard because i struggle with it too.. My anxiety stems from constant worry about things i cannot control. I am learning every day how to deal with this. I try to be as positive as possible. There is a user on here (Mark I believe) who always talks about mindfullness, it is something I am very keen to learn how to do. Hopefully he comments and explain it abit more as I feel it may help you, in the position you are in.

Just remember, there is always hope for brighter days even though it doesn't seem like it.. but you said yourself there are parts of your life that are happy and awesome, those are the brighter days.. it may not seem like it as you said they seem to be dotted which makes them small but everything little thing adds up to a big thing to be happy about. Learning to let go of the past is another thing. You will keep tripping over when trying to go forward if you are always looking back at your past.

I know it all sounds cliche, but learning to look forward is a big thing to help you.

My best for you,

Jay

[sagebrush]

Thanks BballJ for your warm words.

I have taken a lot of positive from your post, so thank you.

Perhaps my problem stems from my expectation that things should be good. Why should I expect things to be this way when they are out of my control. Perhaps my own expectation that life should be balanced towards the good, rather than the negative, keeps me from actually living. Who said life was meant to be a positive experience?

Or perhaps my meds have kicked in.

Or perhaps the very fact of having hope for the future sets me up for failure when those "unexpected" situations do occur. I have never thought of this concept and it seems to calm me a lot. If I expect the worst, then I can be happy when nothing happens and happy when something bad does - as my expectation has come to fruition.

I appreciate your comment: "Learning to let go of the past is another thing. You will keep tripping
over when trying to go forward if you are always looking back at your
past. "

Any tips on how to let go of the past?

Cheers,

John

[gld]

Hi sagebrush,

Glad to read you are regaining some positives out of BballJ post.

As the negatives seem to snowball, Positives seem to multiply when we let them in and live in the now.

Ours mind is a strange place that could manipulate us or be controlled and trained by us.

Thought this quote might give you some food for your mind.

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today. ~Cherokee Indian Proverb

Have a great day!

Gen

[BballJ]

Hi John,

Thanks for replying.

Everyone want's their life to be happy and positive, no one wants things to go wrong, but how can we possibly grow and learn from things that do go wrong if everything is always perfect and happy. We as humans have this amazing thing about us where we can adapt to many situations, we use the negative and try to turn it into a positive some how, some way. For example... I lost my job... ok I can be down on myself for a little bit but then get back up, dust yourself off and find a new job and who knows that new job may be the job of your dreams and you just didn't know it. Problem is too many people stay down when they get knocked down. If only they stood up and looked at the negative directly and said "Ok, i accept this now... how can i grow from this, what can I do differently"

There is a part of what you said about always expecting the worst in every situation that holds some truth.. but if we go through life almost tip toeing, waiting for something to go wrong, imagine all the good stuff you miss out on.

I don't have a lot of tips on how to let go of the past, as it is very hard, you can't forget where you have come from because everything that happened has made you the person you are today, and I am sure many people love the person you are today. Letting go of the past and just keeping the past in the past is two different things as well. Accepting the fact that what happened in your past has happened and there is nothing you can do to change it, I think is that start, you can only focus on now, living in the moment and accepting the beauty that it is.

My best for you,

Jay

[gld]

Hi,

Thank goodness life has its ups and downs because if it didn't it could be very boring.

I feel when something goes wrong we learn from it [sometimes it takes a couple of goes].

So true when it was mentioned our past molds us and i do feel if we totally could not get rid of the past, so we could make a better now for ourselves. We would run on empty and be empty shells doing the same things that makes the negatives.

Gen

[White_Rose]

Hello John

Welcome to Beyond Blue. So glad you found us and have trusted us with your story. Depression and anxiety I think are the most common mental health challenges, and they certainly do challenge us. I have a theory, of sorts, that when you have physical illness, such as the 'flu, you feel like death warmed up for a short while and then you get back to your life. Unfortunately our immune systems are down for a while leaving us vulnerable to another infection/illness.

I think our mental illnesses are a bit like this. We go through a rough patch and come out the other side, but still a bit vulnerable. So while we are thinking "phew I'm glad that's over" another situation crops that in another time we could manage easily, but while we are still feeling groggy the new event takes more energy than we have to cope. And that's where we start to feel the world has a special hatred for us. 😊 It doesn't of course. So when we get downhearted we need to remember that it will not last but also to be aware that we need to keep working on our emotional exercises to keep fit. That way we are less likely to be swamped by the next wave.

And talking of waves, here is a favourite quote of mine. I can't stop the waves, but I can learn to surf.

It seems a bit heartless to think we have enough of the good life in Oz while other people in the world have nothing. But comparing yourself to someone else who is worse off than you does not help you to get well. We can help others as much as possible, but do not say to yourself, someone else has less than me so I should not complain. What about the folk who have more than you? And that goes equally for for the emotional haves and have nots. It's not mean or selfish. You are the person who makes the changes in your life, no one else. So concentrate on your life and health and don't give up because someone else has more problems.

You do not say if you are getting any professional help. Is there anything happening in that area? If not, I suggest you book a long appointment with your GP soon. Copy and print your post and show the GP as a starting point. People have all sorts of ideas about taking medication. If your GP suggests medication I hope you consider it seriously.

Keep writing in here. Now you are on my radar I can continue to chat.

Mary

[sagebrush]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your kind words. I love they way that you described mental illness like the flu...

Where you said this describes me completely:

"We go through a rough patch and come out the other side, but still a bit vulnerable. So while we are thinking "phew I'm glad that's over" another situation crops that in another time we could manage easily, but while we are still feeling groggy the new event takes more energy than we have to cope. And that's where we start to feel the world has a special hatred for us."

Some horrible horrible things happened to me a couple of years ago, then another situation last year, more than I could deal with and I started having severe panic attacks, seizures, hallucinations, massive anxiety and depression. Now while my symptoms are no where near what they were, I just keep relapsing at the new situations that arise, stuff that I would usually just brush off. It takes me weeks to come down off the news of something bad happening. Suffering bad insomnia, nightmares every time I do sleep.

I feel like I am just broken, and there's no way that the pieces will ever be put back together again.

I have seen the GP, they've done all the tests and now on some meds, but they only take the edge off for a short while. Like a band-aid on a bullet wound. I had a referral to a councellor or something, but my mind refused to let me go to them, convinced that they would put me in the nut house.

Just trying to convince my mind and body to let go of the past. I just can't. The past has taught me to fear the future and the unknown. I feel like it took me years to calm down after the first situation, and then the second was "proof" my mind said... "see look, you were full of it, bad s*** will always happen to us, thats the last time I listen to you".

John

[sagebrush]

Hi.

After a few weeks of my anxiety being at its maximum. I have come to understand a little tid-bit of info I might share for those who are also suffering.

I have found an ounce of control over my mind and I am using that to tell my mind to shut up and get over it. That will probably put the lid on my anxiety until the next situation comes up. But in the mean time I will try some positive affirmations.

I have to really fight, like an inner battle in my mind/heart to wrestle control of my emotions back. So absolutely exhausted. Went from having insomnia, getting 3 hours or so of sleep a night. To now 16 hours. I sleep from about 8pm till 8/9am, then from 10am to 2pm. That's helping to settle the crazy a bit.

With this ounce of control, I am building the strength to combat the stress, anxiety and depression shove it down. Somewhere deep inside, something has a hold on me. And I REFUSE to let it win.

Lets see how I go.

Cheers

John.

[gld]

Hi Sagebrush,

Glad to see you are grabbing the bull by its horns and not letting is control your thoughts.

About June a friend suggested to me to check out a website Mindspot, they have a free online course to help with learning some training to train your thoughts. Found it helpful but i am still working on it so it becomes a natural everyday habit. It is run by health professionals and they support you through the course.

Don't let it win and keep up the good fight.

Gen