Relationship Anxiety

[Guest_598]

Hello All,

I separated from my husband last year after nearly ten years together. Our relationship was often difficult and I have noticed a lot of legacy issues as a result. During the last year leading up to the separation, I sometimes had quite severe anxiety with ruminating behaviour, constant worrying and fatalistic thinking (i.e. everything would go wrong). A lot of these things stem from stress and the fact that everything was always my fault and my issue (that was what I was told). I now have a new partner. He is absolutely lovely but he is going through quite a bit of tough times himself at the moment because he separated from his alcoholic wife a few months ago. He is holding up well and seeing a psychologist but it is obviously all still hard, especially since he needs to sell their house and manage her finances.

I am now really worried and anxious because we have to keep our relationship secret for work reasons and so that she does not display aggressive behaviour before the consent order is signed. Also, he is dealing with so much emotional turmoil that he cannot progress emotionally as fast as I, even though he started out faster than me and now is kind of slowed down by all the emotional stress. I have no doubt we have wonderful potential but sometimes, this situation takes a massive toll on my psyche. When I mention that it is tough, I get really worked up (sad) because I feel worried and guilty that I pile onto his stress. But I cannot just swallow all my concerns and neither do I think I should have to. We can communicate well but this week, it hit him quite hard when I had another episode of strong anxiety. I think it is becoming a bit much for him although he says he finds me wonderful. I am scared that I will drive him away because he is in a fragile state and I am dealing with my past and the current situation causes me a lot of anxiety because of the limbo I feel we are in. I am not sure what to do, I am seeing a psychologist next week to start sessions and I am reading up on strategies and providers for help on beyondblue. But I would really like some reassurance and advice from people who understand how I feel. I do not want to drive my partner away, I really care about us. But how can I best look after myself and his needs? And how can I make sure I do not lose myself and my own needs just to keep him. That would not be healthy either. I would really appreciate your help. Thank you in advance!!

[Alexlisa]

Hello Aussiegal,

I think it’s great that you’ve reached out here. I know it can be a bit daunting. It sounds like you’re having quite a tough time, and I can empathise with your situation. Trying to look after yourself in any relationship is hard, but when it’s a new relationship it can be tough to find your feet.

I’m glad that you can see that you shouldn’t have to hide your own emotions/experiences from him. Putting yourself second might be needed at times, but it’s no way to live in the longer term and could lead to worse anxiety. Wearing the “I’m ok” mask is tiring work and can be zapping of your self-esteem. I spent a long time in my last relationship rationalising why I should prioritise her needs over my own, even at times when I was very unwell. It led to quite a lot of resentment in me because I felt deep down I must be not good enough to be able to be seen as my true self - That my experiences mattered.

I get how tough it is though. You both sound like you’re in a fragile state, so finding balance would be hard. It’s great that you’re starting to see a psychologist - good work! It can make such an enormous difference when we have someone who we can vent our true self to, without fear of potential repercussions. My psychologist has been my greatest ally over the years, helping me to build the confidence in myself and realising that I deserve more in life, after I separated from my partner. I was left with a lot of residual issues, like you mentioned, so I really needed someone to be in my corner whilst I work through it and find my feet. I hope it will be helpful for you too.

Take care

Alexlisa