Recreational drug use when younger, life mostly great now but still have issues

[Tripleshotcapnosugar]

I come from a fantastic supportive family that provided well for me but I always had minor problems fitting in as a kid, you could say I've always been intense. I had adhd but my problems were manageable. Once in high school I developed acne and problems continued to grow, I started drinking and would often try to get as drunk as I possibly could at every opportunity from the age of 14 and acting a complete fool at every party. When 15 while drunk i had a traumatic experience and I was starting to become out of control using drugs regularly, by 17 I was taking harder drugs most weekends and every weekend by 18 while continuing to binge drink. At 20 I moved up the cost as I'd fallen out with most of my "friends" I had I short break, discovered a similar group of people and my drinking increased to a very dangerous level, I crashed a car while drunk and almost killed a friend, the accident was a horror that haunts me still.
I avoided jail because of sloppy police work but spiralled into depression and guilt, I started taking another kind of drug while in a horrible state of mind, had another traumatic experience and mind finally broke I guess. I continued to drink but my drug use had just about stopped by my mid 20's.
I'm now in my mid 30's, Ive fought my way through the worst of some pretty crippling anxiety and depression. I now work for myself as a tradesman which is mentally challenging in some ways sometimes due to my condition but I make it work. I've paid off a home and will be buying another soon. I have a good partner and two beautiful children but I struggle to make friends and keep them, especially with people I actually like. I feel I can't see myself and don't know how to improve from here and without close friends I can trust to talk too I just feel so horribly lost and lonely. I know I have problems with my personality and I want to keep working on them but I need friend's around me to help and I can't make helpful friends while I'm so intense and crazy. I don't know what to do.I avoided jail because of sloppy police work but spiralled into depression and guilt, I started taking LSD while in a horrible state of mind, had another traumatic experience and mind finally broke I guess. I continued to drink but my drug use had just about stopped by my mid 20's.
I'm now in my mid 30's, Ive fought my way through the worst of some pretty crippling anxiety and depression. I now work for myself as a tradesman which is mentally challenging in some ways sometimes due to my condition but I make it work. I've paid off a home and will be buying another soon. I have a good partner and two beautiful children but I struggle to make friends and keep them, especially with people I actually like. I feel I can't see myself and don't know how to improve from here and without close friends I can trust to talk too I just feel so horribly lost and lonely. I know I have problems with my personality and I want to keep working on them but I need friend's around me to help and I can't make helpful friends while I'm so intense and crazy. I don't know what to do.

[Croix]

Dear Tripleshotcapnosugar~

I guess while welcoming you here I'd like to say I admire you. Sounds silly doesn't it, but look what you have done in 15 years or so.

Including the problems of ADHD you have managed sadly to fall in all the traps one can think of, alcohol as a way of life, heavy drugs too, and nearly killing your friend

You were out of control and any sensible person would probably not looked inside you and written you off.

However despite ADHD you have stopped the drugs, recognized the harm you did with your freind and turned yourself around.

I'm afraid you have not said you have given up the drink - I hope you do - but even so its been a tremendous victory.

Now you have a successful busines requiring hard work with responsibility and needing forethought, a good partner and two beautiful kids.

OK so you have not as yet accomplished all you want, but at 30 who has? More friends yes, and something about your thoghts about yourself I don't really understand. I'm not sure waht you mean by "intense and crazy"

Do you reckon you could say a little more about that ? You sound pretty sensible to me in your post.

You also talked abut having depression and anxiety -something I've had to live with too. Can I ask if you have medical treatment for them? Therapy and maybe meds too? Perhaps a psych. as well. I never improved until I did this.

As for freinds, may I ask who is therefor you now? Is your partner understanding and caring? I do hope so, mine was my best friend and helped me though no end. Even discussing such things about my thoughts, if I was overly anxious and could only see the worst she could talk me down til I saw things properly as just more minor.

I hope you come back and tell us more

Croix

[Tripleshotcapnosugar]

Hi Croix, thanks for your reply. I did continue to drink on and off but now its on rare occasion and not an issue for me in the least. It's hard for me to describe the intense and crazy part.. after the car accident I had my drug breakdown and I guess I lost some part of myself that allowed me to judge how a conversation i was making was going. Now I can't talk to people with any finesse, I just find myself rambling about things I've read or some other thing people aren't interested in. I can see in people's faces they find me spaced out a lot of the time and it's driven a lot of guys I used to know away I think. Which has made me a bit bitter and insecure and it's this downward spiral I can't seem to get off.
There was 3 of us in my Ute when I crashed, the other friend who wasn't badly injured was the one i took the drugs with and he had similar problems and ended up killing himself, he was hard to talk to but the only one I knew who had similar experiences.
My partner seems to seriously have unlimitedpatience

[Tripleshotcapnosugar]

Sorry I accidentally hit reply while typing,
My partner is great, I don't think things would have worked out well if I hadn't met her. But I need to be able to socialise again or else sooner or later I'm going to end up pretty depressed, I know myself well enough to know I can't do this part on my own and I have to do something now but I don't really know where to go. It feels like a kind of niche thing, who ever is I go see probably needs to have some idea about the kind of drugs that caused me to end up like this...

[Croix]

Dear Tripleshotcapnosugar~

Well thanks, its all good to hear. The booze taken a backseat and a partner " seems to seriously have unlimited patience"

That really is gold.

First let's look at medical support, if you were like me you would spend a week or so just jotting down the problems, how you feel abut the crash and and the effects things have had on you, including you suspect the lack of direction in your conversations may be due to the LSD.

Hand a copy of the paper over over to a GP and see if that one knows a competent psych with knowledge in those areas. If not then go to another. In time you will find one that does know. Takes a bit of searching, but if you can build a house you can find a psych. Both take determination and setbacks.

Trying to talk with a 'wandering' mind might be something you need a bit of help with too. If it is just you go off on a different subject midstream or do not seem to make sense then for a while include your partner. Your partner is use to you and in a meeting with another who is a potential friend can help steer you gently back.

In time you will find good freinds, ones who look though the difficulties and see the strong man underneath.

You realy are doing OK, I hope we keep on talking

Croix