Past issues cause Fear and Trust problems in current relationship

[MayaUyen]

I am 53yo female, divorced and been in a long distant relationship for 14 months. My boyfriend is 12yr older than me.

I have grown to love him and know he loves me too. We planned to have a future and build a family together with his 13yo daughter.

His daughter accepted me and loves me, I love her too, I don’t have any kid of my own and been living in Aust by myself, no relative. At times I feel alone, my BF and his kid mean so much to me.

Due to special circumstances, we still live apart and we have been working together to make our reunion happen as soon as possible then settling in Australia.

At the early stage of this relationship, my BF noticed I got fear and trust issues, and said once being together these issues will be cleared.

I introspected myself and realized my fear and trust issues came from many betrayals and disappointments from past relationships.

I can tell he trusts me fully and rarely questions me about who I meet or be friend with. I normally tell him upfront about the people I am interacting with.

My problem is, I often doubt, worry, feel jealous and mistrust while I am not around him in the time being. I often feel anxious when he absent for 3 or 4 days without calling or texting me.

My friend says I require his time and attention more than he gives and suggests me to adjust my needs rather than requesting him to give me more time because it is likely that is how he is naturally.

At first, he showed understanding, however few days ago we argued and he was very upset, he said “THIS IS THE THING HE DOES NOT WANT IN HIS LIFE, HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT TRUST HER MAN”. To me, his action was a wakeup call.

I realize my fear and trust issues have caused severe impacts to our relationship and made him feel pressured, being controlled and uncomfortable. Worse than that I would potentially cause a break-up and lose this relationship.

I gave him time to calm down then offered an apology on the yesterday, I also told him I realized the negative impacts of my issues on our relationship and will seek professional help. He responded to me which is a good sign.

We have been through thick and thin between life and death together and still stand strong by each other until this day. This relationship is worth fighting for.

I now seek counselling support from Next Step to help improving my fear and trust issues.

Beside seeking professional help, please I also need advice and suggestions/ideas on this forum or from someone has similar issues about how to improve this. Thank you.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I feel for you both, its a trying time.

As a man I can relate to his reactions about not being trusted. Your own insecurities have overflowed to effecting him and yes, that isnt fair. But it is common because as older adults we will have baggage and accepting that baggage comes with that age and events that impacted our lives earlier.

I do think that along with counselling will definitely help but leave it too long and he might not be so keen, such is the drifting of the topic over time for us guys. I wonder though as well, the change in the relationship if you, moved in together or, you moved closer to him. Some times these insecurities vanish with constant company, after all, you wont have trust issues if he sits beside you every night???

In many cases "nipping it in the bud" is a requirement. Lingering past issues can be contained inside of yourself rather than mentioning his absence every time it happens. Blurting out anything that comes to mind is honest and honourable but if we spoke our mind on all topics then that can have ramifications. As we watch TV if I said aloud "oh look at her body, how nice" then my lovely wife wouldnt be so impressed. So learning to contain these thoughts/fears is your challenge.

This link might help in terminating arguements.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pip...

SCARS ON HIM

A person with a past feels last

We all have a past and make it our task

That recalling the sad times we fell apart

became a scar upon our heart

A scar will never banish our despair

we cant love again if no ones there

but we can place those rocks in a bag to deliver

hoist it high and into the river

The older we are the harder it be

To ignore the past and  make us free

But while we count the scars on our own skin

We forget he also has them on him...

TonyWK

[MayaUyen]

Hi TonyWK, thank you and I really appreciate you for replying to my post and advice on my issues. 

Also thanks for sharing the “Relationship strife? the peace pipe”, it mentions some good methods there.

I have been to a counselling session with Next Step <Next Step | Marymead CatholicCare - Marymead CatholicCare (mccg.org.au)>, she used Cognitive Behavioural Therapy method.  

I am keen to work with her for the next 5 weeks (6 weeks treatment program provided FREE). the method or techniques have awakened me (being taught to self-recognize about certain problems and consequences) to realize the more we assume or overthink, the worse that makes a simple thing to be.

I and my BF also had a lengthy conversation where he explained and cleared my concerns.

So I am on a learning and self-recognising/analysing journey then improving from there. 

Thanks again for your support and understanding. I will keep you updated of my progress.

[white knight]

Hi MayaYyen

Wow, how good is that? Really glad you are seeking guidance, and we are here when and if you need us. You can post 24/7/365.

TonyWK