paralyzed by anxiety

[Heartbroken_dad]

I've struggled with anxiety & acceptance since i was 9 or 10. I'm now 43, my life has disintegrated right before my eyes over the past 2 years. I've lost my job, my marriage (which was marred by the anxiety & my self deprecating thoughts & actions) my only son now lives with his mother in another country & I have no access to him as he has had all lines of communication taken away, his mother has been less than discreet discussing my "failures", something that always really irritated me during the marriage. I left the country we were all living in after suffering the crushing pressure from the very hostile separation. It ruined me financially and emotionally. My heart is broken.

I' m afraid to do anything, have spent 7 months here, dwelling on what I could have done differently, worried out of my mind about what I will face next. The past 3 months or so, I've been completely paralyzed by fear, panic, worry. I don't want to go anywhere, have withdrawn from family, avoid relationships completely, avoid starting anything new for fear it too will fail. It's a huge, compounded mess.

I feel like I'm a complete failure, my mind is racing with thoughts of past unpleasant dealings, failures, arguments, what I could do differently & feel hopeless & helpless trying to make sense of it all. 

Most recently, I've found myself sobbing uncontrollably, without warning, usually when I see a picture of my son, or think of some of the things him & I would do together. I get chest pain, am short of breath, nightmares, chills & sweats, can't concentrate, have lost all interest & enjoyment in life. I have lost hope of being happy again, mainly due to the despair of not seeing my son, possibly ever again. I haven't been able to find work, not that I feel like I could even manage to work with all my worry & physical decline over the past 3 or 4 months. I stopped exercising, I just watch TV, read news online (which really irritates me & makes me ever more cynical), I typically get up in the morning, have breakfast, shower, then sit on the couch most the day until I get dinner. I was working out 5 days a week & was extremely fit a year ago.   In my previous job, I saw a lot of violence, images & video of brutal homicides, assaults, rapes & the job was very stressful.

[MamaBear]

Dear Heart Broken Dad

You are not alone. I too have experienced much the same as you. The feeling of being paralysed on the inside is very real and totally crippling, but you have taken the best step forward in seeking help. Hopefully you will experience improvement very soon, but don't despair if you experience sudden pangs of anxiety along the way. Knowing your triggers is vital to recovery. I am only now just starting to learn about what triggers my crippling anxiety. Stay strong, but cry if you need to. I let myself have the biggest crying session this morning and it felt as though I had finally allowed myself to let out so much grief. It was exhausting though, but better out that in. Glad you are here. You are not alone. 

[Heartbroken_dad]

Thanks to all who have replied to my post.

I've been offline for a few months so haven't been checking my posts. I have been in therapy almost every week and on a low dose anti-anxiety / depression meds (SSRI) & am doing OK. The overall situation hasn't changed, however, I am able to make some progress moving on with my life, albeit slower than I would like.