Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

[G.P]

Hello!

This is my first post, so I am a little anxious about sharing and writing about what's going through my head, but I'll give it a go...

It seems silly, but I'm anxious about turning this new age, especially with my birthday so soon. I recently started seeing a psychologist because mentally things have been overwhelming for me - asides from turning 30. I think it's just this age that's perpetuated this feeling more so. I feel this way because I can't help but look at my friends and family who to me, have their sh*t together - married, living out of home, successful careers etc.), living proper adult lives.

Currently I'm living at home (which makes me feel unaccomplished and incompetent, because I feel like I haven't even achieved that!), and I'm the last of the siblings (there's 3 of us, me being the eldest) still living at home, which then makes me feel incapable because I'm not as independent as I'd like to be. Then part of me gets either jealous or just beating myself up and thinking of myself as inadequate. I know some of it is the high expectations that I've set for myself, with the thinking that, "I should have completed this, or achieved that", and it continues to make me feel sick when I haven't hit these. I find myself having to avoid conversations of people's good news, and I know I should be happy for them - now I sound like the worst person 😕

Because of all of this, I've found myself living in a lot of fear for a very long time - I'm a very anxious driver and find myself reliant on others to take me places, which then also brings my self-confidence down when people ask why I don't drive... I find myself getting angry at little things, and then other times being quite ok with myself. I'm also not great with confrontation, and find my confidence lacking at work when it comes to being more direct and communicative.

The moments when I do feel ok is after exercise which helps, but it's quite temporary. Or sometimes when I'm a quiet space. But sometimes these thoughts get the better of me.

My psychologist mentioned that I've trapped myself, a part of me agrees, another part of me doesn't... I'm not sure how to get out of this negative spin cycle, sorry for the rant..

Thanks,

G.P

[G.P]

Hey Sleepy21 - thanks for the reassurance, I've been a bit MIA I admit - high and low waves have hit me. But seeing the psychologist for the first time before posting here was definitely a big move. I'll be seeing them again soon, and feel like there's still a lot I'll need to work through. But I'm learning to take the small wins, and I'm glad that there's support here in this community also, it's good to be heard and uplifted by those who are in a similar position 🙂

When they mentioned I trapped myself, it was hard to hear, because I naturally just wanted to blame that feeling on someone or something - and there are still those moments for sure. It just didn't make sense, and you're right in saying that others would feel this way too.

What I've recently learned and explored is that this trapped feeling has in part been imposed by my parents through their conservative belief systems and values that they didn't realise had effected me so much - it was passed on in good faith, but now means that I've lived in so much anxiety and fear for years to "follow" their way of living, when I don't agree with all of their beliefs and values. I think I've always tried to fit in and be the good child, but it just doesn't work for me anymore, and as a result naturally I just question and move away from it all.

In saying that I'm trying to shift my thinking more - it's such a big unlearning process, especially since I'm so wired to think negatively. But I read somewhere the other day that

"We're not determined by our past experiences, but the meaning we give is self-determining" - I'm hoping that this will remind me to get less triggered, because honestly I'm quite frustrated and angry that it's come to light that my parents' way of thinking has and will likely continue to impact my current and future life 😞

The other thing, I have now hit the 30 club, and it's hit me with a tonne of bricks with all of this anxiety and self-growth. I'm still a complex mess filled with self-doubt and worry that I'm not moving forward, and I guess it doesn't disappear overnight.

I feel like everything is a perpetual project list that I have to do to better - get my lack of driving sorted, think about how I can live happily while at home, stop the comparing etc. It's overwhelming to know where to start when it feels like I'm in emergency mode to get it all done 😞

Also, I'm definitely in need of a holiday now! Happy to take suggestions on where I should experience 30 elsewhere 🙂

G.P

[Guest_1643]

Hey GP

hope you're feeling okay. I read your post and wanted to commend you on your honesty and self-reflection. Are your family supportive? Does the pressure come from them as well, or mainly within? Glad to hear about the shift you feel and hope it gives you more internal peace taht in turn, reflects in your life. Hope you're doing well with the psychologist, too!

[G.P]

Thanks Sleepy21 - it was a hard realisation, but it's helped me to unpack some of this stuff that I've been carrying for so long. At this point, it's a bit tense with family - trying not to step on each other's toes etc. They're supportive with some parts of my life, but not others. I think the pressure is both from them and myself. It's an implied/unwritten rule kind of pressure that they didn't realise they passed on which they confirmed and was hard for me to swallow. Then the pressure from within is for me to just hurry up get over myself, let go of my anger somehow, and my unnecessary fears so I can move forward, while somehow pleasing myself and others. I just sound complicated now... It's an ongoing internal battle, hoping I'll get more insight from psychologist. Fingers crosssed!

[Guest_1643]

just wanted to say hi .... i'm sorry it is tense with your family and there is pressure in some areas of your life, unwritten rules can be very powerful in families, from my experience. They are very forceful and we just gulp them up as kids. How's it going with your psychologist, if you don't mind me asking??? Fingers and thumbs crossed .... hope it goes great!!

[G.P]

Hey Sleepy21, thanks for checking in! Sorry it's been a while. A lot has happened since you posted last. As you say unwritten rules in families are powerful and this was reiterated again this month. Their view in life is vastly differently from mine, and our differences just came to light more so, particularly with my relationship with my partner. They're more spiritually connected, which I respect, whereas because of their imposed values on life I've become a bit more pragmatic and not so accepting of their beliefs, but still they're forcing it down on me with their argument that "it's out of our love for you, we have your best interests in mind". I think it's more of an excuse. What they don't realise is that they're "love for me" is going to put me out financially over the next few years. I'm disappointed and frustrated by this.

Things are going ok with my psychologist, I mentioned the above to her, and she suggested discussing it further with my parents and bringing to light the impact on my mental health. Her advice was sound about stopping myself from seeking approval from others and going on with my decisions without their blessing. So I opened up the conversation again, and they're too stubborn to really hear or understand my situation. We amicably agreed that it's best that I move out to find myself. This is good for the short term, but the long term it puts me out financially. I've put on hold the moving out plan because of the current climate with the virus.

Just hoping as well that things get better for me...