OCD??? Convincing myself I’ve done something bad when I don’t even think I did

[charbear999999]

Hi, I am in need of some advice!

I have always had problems with intrusive thoughts and needing reassurance that these thoughts aren’t true, but recently I’ve noticed something that I’m unsure of whether it’s real or not and it’s scaring me.

A few months ago I was at a party with my boyfriend and my friends. I was trying to keep up with the levels of alcohol that everyone else was drinking, but I get severe anxiety, so drinking never serves me well. I don’t remember a large chunk of what happened during that time period, but I do know that I was surrounded by my friends and my boyfriend and we were just standing around chatting and playing music. For some reason, I have this fear that I did something really terrible, like flirt with another guy or possibly even cheat on my boyfriend??? Even though I am almost certain I was around my boyfriend and our friends the whole time. My boyfriend and I however, at the end of the night had an argument about something completely different and so I attach a lot of anxiety to that night. I have this strong feeling of guilt and all of these thoughts of “what if” that sends me into a complete spiral and I keep trying to go over the experience in my head and look through photos and ask my friends what they remember. I know there is no evidence that I did that, and I know that that is something I would never do, but I can’t help but spiral into the “what if’s” purely because I can’t remember exactly my conversations or anything for a period of a few hours. 

I keep having these thoughts of what if I did do that, and everyone knows but no one is telling me or my boyfriend and I always feel like when I walk past people and my friends that they hate me for that reason, when it actually seems fine and no one actually thinks that of me. But what if they do?

I don’t remember doing anything like that but I do remember having an argument with my bf at the end of the night about something completely separate, and I know I probably didn’t even look at another man, because I never feel the urge to do so. But my brain is making me second guess that and think “what if I’m repressing the memory of doing something like that because I don’t want to remember it”.

i have googled my experience obviously, and I have recently discovered false memory OCD, and have thought that maybe I am experiencing this, but then I can’t be certain because that might just be me rationalizing???? 

Advice would be appreciated! Thank you

[Scared]

A few months have now passed.

If someone had issue with you it would have surfaced by now surely.  
Many times in my young days i would wake up hungover wondering omg what happened last night.

And I would feel better when no one mentioned anything wrong.  Perhaps if you want to feel better about yourself you can quit drinking and tell people that you dont like who you become under the influence of alcohol.   That way it shows yourself and others how serious you take being unlike the real you.   I think you are filling in the blanks with negative paranoia based upon uncertainty of events.   You may think seriously about your future drinking habits as losing your memory doesnt serve you well.  Remember alcohol is a mind altering drug and because its so common we think its harmless because seemingly everyone does it.   But the fact is its a very destructive drug that scores of people cant process alcohol well and its killed countless more.  
So in your case you can think about the adage which is " no news is good news"

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Guest,

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums….

I can resonate a bit about what your struggling through, i can go over and over something that happened to me, even though I know I didn’t do wrong my brain makes me feel guilty and I constantly think about it…

We can’t give you an answer about if you have ocd…That’s something that you really need to reach out to your Dr about for a proper diagnosis….to get the help and support you need if you are diagnosed with it…

Guest, please don’t ever try to keep up with someone else drinking especially since you said it doesn’t serve you well and you get anxiety with alcohol…true friends will understand how you feel about drinking….I don’t know you’re relationship with your bf or friends…but I’m pretty sure if you done something wrong to upset your bf, he would have talked to you about it….maybe you could bring up that night and ask him….also if your friends are close, you might be able to ask them as well….To help ease your thoughts…

My kindest thoughts with care,

Grandy..

[Scared]

But dont you think it strange that our thoughts go to the worse case scenario.

Why cant our thoughts go to positive thought instead like "  wow I was the life of the party "  or something that actually helps us feel good.   

[BlueLily]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum!

I myself suffer from anxiety so it was quite interesting to read your post. I'll tell you little bit about my anxiety because then when you look at my situation it will hopefully enable a different perspective to your own anxiety.

I have stage fright which prevents me from doing dance performances, although I thoroughly enjoy the dancing. Leading up to a performance I calculate all the possible "what if's" in my head, such as, what if I forget the step, fall over or start trembling or sweating visibly which would then lead to a massive embarrassment in-front of everybody. I know it sounds pretty unnecessary and over thinking.

What I usually do is go through the imaginable situation where "what if" did happen. So what if you did cheat on your boyfriend. You were not in a conscious mind and you didn't have intentions it to happen before or after the party. And if your boyfriend really care about you, shouldn't he be telling you about the incident and discussing it rather than secretly going behind your back? Same goes for you friends, if they are true friends. 

And on another note, if something cause you anxiety but if it's not something you want to do, I'm not sure why you would be forced to do it. In this situation, drinking alcohol to keep up with others. In my experience the people who enjoy the party most are the bunch who are light drinkers. 

Hope this puts a different perspective on your situation...