OCD and searching for purpose

chap10 · ‎10-12-2015

I have recently been diagnosed with OCD. In my case it's a hijacking of my mental attention and it feels like being held prisoner to my mind. I'm trapped in my head all day every day from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I could go in to detail but that's not really the point of this post. I don't know if anyone will be able to help or will understand but I'll give it a shot. Basically I feel like I have absolutely no purpose, no meaning in my life, and I don't know how to attain purpose or meaning. I've been taking the prescribed medication and I feel like I'm waking up a bit. I suffer from depression as well and the medication is at least helping with that. But I feel like "now what?", I've been lost in my head for so long I don't even know where to start. How do I build a life when my life has been inside my head for so long.

I'm also quitting drinking as I have been drinking too much as a means of self-medicating the OCD and resulting anxiety and depression. I want to drink and let go a bit, but I can't because I have quit and I think it is best for me. But where is the fun? in all seriousness what is the point of going on? I'm not suicidal otherwise I would have posted in that forum. I'm kind of just in a no-mans land, just a barren place devoid of meaning. I just don't know where to go from here...

PatT · ‎11-12-2015

Hi Chap,

The world can be a very confronting place when you start seeing things more clearly. I spent a while last year in rehab for drug/alcohol addiction and when I came out the world looked like a completely different place and somewhere I had to reestablish my own identity. Things were more real than when I was in addiction but I felt no urge to do anything to find myself nor did I know how. Fortunately through some psychotherapy I gained a bit more perspective and today (one year later) I'm in a much better place with motivation and self-awareness that I did not have then.

It takes a while for you to get your head screwed back on and find meaning but it doesn't all come naturally unfortunately - you have to make the effort to discover what you like, what inspires you, who you want to be etc.

I think quitting drinking is a very very very very wise thing to do. Self-medicating with alcohol only leads to despair and numbs your ability to be conscious of yourself. You need to start spending more time doing the things you like, things that are good for your soul. Like reading? Read more books. Movies? Go to the theatre alone. Like socialising? Speak to friends every day. Don't like socialising? Speak to friends every day. Do stuff that is completely out of the ordinary for you - take a class, learn an instrument, exercise more, get a dog.

You have the whole world at your fingertips as you get progressively healthier so get out of your comfort zone and discover a purpose for yourself. Start a university course, change jobs. There is meaning in everything but sometimes it is just obscured by our thoughts. Meditate. Seriously meditation is the best thing out there. I was a big sceptic for years but it has helped me more than any medication ever will. Don't be defined by your mental health - in the end they're just fleeting & intangible problems. All the best,

Pat.

Zeal · ‎11-12-2015

Hi Chap,

Pat has given you some great advice. I second his comment that not drinking is beneficial in your situation. Because you have OCD and depression, adding alcohol to the mix is potentially quite unsafe. I have OCD and I'm on medication for this, which doesn't interact well with alcohol. I have always been a non-drinker, partly because I am cautious by nature and also due to my history with OCD. I am happy and healthy now, thanks to great social support, a safe dose of SSRI meds to correct my serotonin deficiency, and study I actually enjoy. I don't plan to start drinking, not even in small amounts, because I don't want to upset the balance I have finally managed to achieve.

Here are some links to conversation threads on this site that relate to OCD. You don't need to read them if you don't want to, but I thought I'd find a bunch of OCD-related threads, so that you have the option of reading some other comments 🙂

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/anxiety/struggling-with-worry-fear-a...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/young-people/primarily-obsessional-o...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/anxiety/ocd-2AB963CF7C04

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/anxiety/ocd-my-story

I hope you can find the right support. Perhaps keep seeing the professional who diagnosed you, so that you can continue to get personalised advice and support. Confiding in a close family member can also feel like a weight off your shoulders.

Best wishes,

SM

Guest_5218 · ‎11-12-2015

Hi Chap10. I'm glad you have found your way to the BB Forums. You have already received some excellent advice from both Pat and SM above. And I hope that some of their tips prove to be helpful to you.

I just wanted to say hello and welcome, and that I totally understand where you're at, as will many others here. I hope it is comforting to know that there are plenty of people here who relate to your woes and know what you are going through. And how hard it is.

Its great that you have been able to get the Depression to an acceptable level with the help of medication. So now you'll be better able to address your OCD concerns and to get the drinking to a stage where it is no longer a 'self medication' tool.

You did not say whether you have sought the help of a psychologist? Perhaps you could consider that option as your next step in the process of healing. I suffer from PTSD, Anxiety and OCD myself and recently underwent CBT Therapy specifically for the PTSD, but also addressed the OCD. I still have much to work on with more sessions planned for next year, but it has helped me to some extent. I have also abused alcohol over the past few years. And like you, I discovered that its a bit like a cat chasing its tail. You drink to ease the anxiety, pain and traumatic memories only to find that it actually makes everything worse in the long run. My therapy with the psychologist has helped me to cut back on the alcohol self medication, which I'm very happy about. So you have done the right thing in quitting drinking. A very brave step, so good on you : ) Its such a hard thing to do as our lifestyles seem to revolve around drinking. There are a few nice non alcoholic drinks on the market which could be worth looking into. They dont necessarily look non-alcoholic, so it may make you feel more comfortable.

I would suggest you consider discussing with your GP the benefits you may get from a referral to a psychologist next time you see him/her. And in the meantime try deep breathing, read, do a crossword or sudoku, give yoga a try, take a walk in a park, beach or along a river/creek (depends on where you are) or do some other sport that you enjoy.

You're doing everything right regarding your depression meds and quitting drinking. The rest will take a bit more time. Be patient & I'm sure your life will start to regain purpose soon. Keep in touch with us here to let us know how you are doing. xx

Guest_5218 · ‎11-12-2015

Sorry Chap10, me again. I forgot to mention that I will be following this thread with interest as I am still struggling with my OCD as well. So please keep posting and let everyone here know of any tips that you find works well for you. Its a 2-way street, where we all try to help others and to learn from each other at the same time. I look forward to hearing further from you ...........

chap10 · ‎15-12-2015

Hi Pat, SM and Sherie,

My apologies, I didn't think that my post actually came through, as when I checked back in it mustn't have gone through the moderators yet and I forgot all about it. Thank you all for your advice and support, it all makes a lot of sense to me and it means a lot to have you there.

I have been struggling a bit lately and I haven't been doing so well with quitting drinking. I managed two weeks without a drop but then gave in and went to the pub on the weekend. Since then it feels like all of the positive momentum I had gained has swung back the other way, and I'm feeling depleted and flat, and depressed. Anxiety to do with the OCD has also been really bad. I'm trying to do the things that I need to do and I get so far and I'm feeling better but then I go and shoot myself in the foot again. It's just so hard fighting this battle every single day... But I know you all understand and fight your own battles.

I am seeing a psychiatrist--the one who diagnosed me with OCD, but I don't see him very often and apart from him I really have no one to talk to about this- well I have told my mother but don't feel that I can articulate it very well to her. It's a very hard thing to articulate, I just feel like something to trigger the OCD and anxiety is around every corner and it is so hard to get out of my head and into the world outside. I can be at the gym or with mates or anywhere but I'm not really there, I'm just in my head.

I just need to keep trying and keep getting better but I am so tired and weary of the battle. But I know that it can get better, I just can't keep shooting myself in the foot. I need to do the right things- medication, exercise, NO drinking, meditation ( I agree Pat it is a very valuable tool) , eating healthy... Maybe I do need to find a psychologist as well to speak to.

Sorry I don't have anything really to add, but thank you for your tips and advice and I would love to chat further.

Guest_5218 · ‎15-12-2015

Hello again Chap10. No need to apologise for not getting back for a while. You obviously lead a busy life, so never feel obligated to get back to us here. But just know that we are here if you ever need moral support, or just want to 'vent'. And that everyone here does understand, and we do care.

Just keep doing the things that you are doing right, and the rest will follow. Do keep an eye on the drinking though, as it is so very easy to slip back into bad habits. And I agree that you may find greater benefit in seeing a psychologist now. They cant prescribe medications as you'd know, but you are already on some anyway through either your GP or your psychiatrist. Often Psychiatrists will refer you on to a psychologist anyway if they believe you can get more benefit from that. Psychologists appointments are long (in time) compared to psychiatrists, and they concentrate very much on self analysis and self help. Definitely worth giving it a go. As I said earlier, I found that the CBT therapy with my psychologist definitely helped with my drinking, which was getting out of hand at the time. But the therapy is also good for OCD and associated anxiety.

I'm glad you have found all the posts above helpful, and any time you want to chat, just come back on again.

Sherie x

geoff · ‎16-12-2015

dear Chap, you don't really have to go into detail, because those of us who also suffer from OCD know exactly how you feel.

All the replies have been great, and I myself have had it for about 56 years, and yes I'm an oldie, it's a long time, but over all these years I have changed, not by choice, but by circumstances what habits and rituals I had I initially did to what I now do.

The only time I couldn't do these habits/rituals (HR) was to play sport, simply because when I was rowing in a final I couldn't tell all the other rowers on the boat to just wait I have to do a HR, and the same applies to playing rugby or football, but I had a purpose and meaning, even though the strength that we all feel by having OCD is so strong, I couldn't let it take over, yes I still had it, but my goal was to compete in that rowing final.

I also self medicated with alcohol but that was for making my depression feel numb, but don't get me wrong I can totally understand why you used to help your OCD.

It can hold us 'prisoner in our mind', but so does being in love, and also in our job, trying to climb and get a promotion, and what I have learnt is to hide all my HR while I get on with my life.

It seems from what you have said that you could have had this illness for a long time, so you struggled for such a long time, and because of this it makes it so much harder on how to cope with it, let alone understand what it may have held you back on achieving, but it's possible, just hold this OCD in your pocket, it's there, you know it is, but there are other goals in life that you want to get on with. Geoff.

chap10 · ‎14-02-2018

Hi. I don’t know if anyone is out there still. It’s been a bit over two years since this original post. I’m more or less in the same place, except now I’m more lonely. I’ve had four hospital admissions since then. I’m The loneliest I’ve ever been. I feel self-loathing for letting it get to this point where I’ve withdrawn from my friends and I don’t know if I even have any left. It’s like being in a nightmare when you try to shout and you can’t seem to make a sound.

geoff · ‎15-02-2018

hi Chap, I'm still here today, and I am so sorry for your admissions to hospital.

Any type of depression and this includes self loathing, where you think you have withdrawn away from your friends is what nobody wants to happen.

I've re-read your previous comment and would be interested in how your other concerns are going, remember I have OCD and used to self medicate with alcohol.

I hope you feel comfortable talking with me. Geoff.