OCD and Intrusive Thoughts

[OCD_Me]

Hi All ~ this is my 1st post *eek* 

So, my background is... As a small child I used to repeat sayings over and over in my head to make sure 'bad things' didn't happen, they would always have to be repeated a certain number of times etc etc. I had on and off periods of anxiety over the coming years and was finally diagnosed 17 years ago, at the age of 20 with OCD and GAD, this was after being house bound for around 3 months with debilitating panic attacks. I was prescribed a medication that got me out and about and back to 'normal'. I still take this today.

Over the past 17 years I have functioned quite well and the majority of people would see me as a well adjusted, happy, carefree woman (if they only knew!). Anxiety and OCD have always been there just bubbling away under the surface.

6 months ago after being under some stress I started having palpitations and a handful of panic attacks. I haven't really been myself since then. I have a great GP who has referred my to a psychologist, but I can't see her for another fortnight. And also a psychiatrist to confirm the original diagnosis from 17 years ago to make sure we are undertaking the right treatment. 

I can cope ok with the anxiety and no longer truly fear panic attacks which seems to keep them at bay. What I truly struggle with and it breaks my heart, are the intrusive thoughts. They are violent and are directed toward the person that means the most to me, my son. Logically I understand all about intrusive thoughts... I understand that they are automatic, that they mean nothing, that anxiety picks on the ones we love the most etc. But they still hurt and frighten me so much. 

I know that I should just ignore them and let them be, but being a true Obsessive that little thought is always in the background saying 'What if" 

What if you are truly capable of this.

What if you snap and lose your mind.

What if, what if, what if.

It's at the point where I don't feel comfortable being too close to my son even though I know that's exactly what I should be doing to let my mind know that I have no fear of these annoying, upsetting thoughts. 

Thanks for letting me share my story and vent my worries

[Vanilla]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum and I wanted to reach out as I feel alone at times with OCD.

As a child I would have to make sure my shoes were all lined up neatly. I would have to sing a song in my head a certain number of times when brushing my teeth to ensure I was brushing them long enough.  I would not touch the rubbish bin bag and would only eat apples cut up into squares and with a tooth pick. 

I was

bullied at school, started drinking and self harming and had a relationship break up. I then attempted suicide and was hospitalised for 3 months.  I started abusing drugs as well as alcohol for several years and self harmed.

I quit substance

abusing and met a man who was great to me. I had stable full time employment and did my job well. 

One and a half years ago I was diagnosed with OCD by a pyschologist after not being able to function at work properly. She diagnosed me on my first visit.  I also have been disgnosed with GAD and Mild depression.  I eventually moved onto another pyschologist who has given me tools to use which makes me feel less

helpless.

The thing I find most terrifying about OCD are the intrusive thoughts that visit me every day.  Most of the thoughts I can work through now, thank god, with the tools I have learnt, however, sometimes the thoughts are just so overpowering and cause a lot of anxiety and seem too overwhelming to battle.

 TRIGGER WARNING**

My intrusive thoughts are usually fears about accidentally and non maliciously or intentiaonally causing

harm to another living being. I would NEVER intentionally try and cause harm to anything (I feel bad stepping on an ant for god sakes) but these thoughts cause anxiety and every day scare me that a living being is going to die or  get seriously ill.

I can indentify my thinking errors in most thoughts but some linger around for days and months and really affect my quality of life.

My compulsion is to seek reassurrance from others, which I try to avoid as it makes me feel worse and start to doubt other decisions I have made.

I kinda feel stuck though at the moment. I dont want to feel anxious and unhappy for days on end but i dont want to carry out my compulsion.  I think

I need help with what else I can do in this situatuon.

Is it just me or does there not seem to be much awareness or help out there for OCD....

Thanks for listenening to me vent.  I am appreciative to be able to use this resource.

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[Graceeeeee]

Hey Luke!

I feel you, I suffer from intrusive thoughts too, they are often about the ones I love, my family members and I know how you feel. However there are so many ways to get better. A few days ago I found this CBT therapy online, it's short for 'Cognitive Behavioural Therapy', it works with the way your brain responds to the intrusive thoughts. Everyone has intrusive thoughts, it's the way our brain deals with them that result in different feelings, in the cases of people who suffer from OCD, the result of having the thoughts is usually anxiety, anger, then for me it leads to sadness. Let me explain this by giving an example (it's what I read online, I think it's from a British website called 'ocd-uk', or 'ocdforums.org', they also have a forum there if you wanna check it out): So you're walking along a train track, and seeing something reminds you of your pet dog, and you suddenly think: what if I let my dog walk in there and he dies. It sounds horrible but is actually a normal intrusive thought that anyone could have. In this situation you might have three different responses, first, the happy one: What a funny and creative thought! (You don't take it seriously and laugh it off); second, the angry one: What kind of thought is this? (You find it strange and get annoyed but forget about it soon); third, the anxious one: Oh no what if I would actually do that, it's too dangerous I'm not going to bring him anywhere near the train track anymore! (You blame yourself and get anxious about actually doing something). This is what I remember from the general message from that article. Anyway, the way I understand it is that, everyone has intrusive thoughts once in a while (it's true), but really no one is going to actually follow these thoughts that pop up in their head, but I know it's hard for us because having OCD does mean we have anxiety issues, more or less, so we naturally deal with these thoughts in an anxious way. There's no one to blame. And Luke, why don't you allow yourself to spend half an hour of fun daddy time with your son today? I know you're afraid that you're gonna hurt him, but hey, if you actually intend that way, I really don't think you'd be afraid at all, let alone distancing yourself from him to protect him. Try and see what happens! (It's also one of the ways of treating in CBT, you can check it out).

I've only been able to write this now, but I really really hope that you can still see this.

All the best,

Grace

[Graceeeeee]

Hi Satya!

I think there are ways to overcoming the anxiety, you could see a professional or simply search ways of overcoming anxiety online. I read about a therapy method called "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy", people have said it is really helpful. I know it's a late reply but I hope you can still see it.

Take it slow, and you will get better and stronger

Take care,

Grace xx

[Graceeeeee]

Hi Vanilla!

It can be really stressful to deal with these thoughts, in the progress you might feel angry, sad, anxious, alone or experience other negative feelings. These forums will always be here for you to just open up and talk about your feelings whenever you feel like it. I was surprised to see that people aren't continuing to talk on this forum. I've only been able to write this now and I hope you understand.

I've had mild depression and OCD (which I understand it primarily based on anxiety issues) but am now getting better. I want you to know that you can and will get better. Some websites I find really useful for getting to know OCD includes beyond blue and ocd-uk. Of course you can also check out the books mentioned before in this forum, and a better way to deal with all this is to see a professional. I heard about a therapy method called "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy", it is originally used for depression but actually found to be helpful for most of the OCD patients (see my previous post for details). I admire your strength for being able to get out of all this and able to get a job, you are a tough person, and you're brave for sharing this with all of us.

You are strong, beautiful and inspirational.

Thank you, you make me feel not alone.

Hope to see you here again, really hoping you can still see this reply. Take care, wishing you all the best!

Grace xx

 P.S. You can search online for tips for overcoming anxiety issues, they are very helpful too

[geoff]

dear Vanilla, I hope that you are checking on your post because I know what you are saying about having intrusive thoughts with this illness, and yes they do happen as I'm a 56 sufferer of OCD, but perhaps Chris maybe able to give you links to various sites that discuss this particular problem. Geoff.

[Graceeeeee]

Hi Geoff!

Can I just say I truly admire your spirit! You've been battling all this for 56 years and that is not easy. I am a really young sufferer and my conditions have come and go for a few years, but just seeing you here with us makes a huge difference. I'm sure you're helping everyone here and you're giving us faith.

Love

Grace

[Graceeeeee]

Hi Quinoa

Part of this could be because you are taking medication, but otherwise everyone (with or without OCD) actually all experience intrusive thoughts, so there's nothing to worry about.

Hope you can still see this, take care xx

Grace

[tillsa]

Hello Grace!

Reading your responses in this forum really touched my heart and has given me strength and hope that I can fight this. For the past 5 years I have had anxiety on and off. At first I found it hard to deal with but eventually learnt how to get through it. This year I started having unwanted thoughts and everyday I think what is wrong with me? I cannot come to terms with it because of how gentle of a person I am and how I could never imagine doing wrong to anybody. Whilst dealing with these thoughts I am studying Youth work full time and working a part - time job. I am a hard worker and even with these thoughts I am persistent on not letting them take over my daily life. I have put off seeing a counsellor for so many years but with the support of my boyfriend I am finally going to start talking about how I feel and getting the help I need.

I am so thankful to have found these forums and just want to thank you for being so helpful.

- Tilly