OCD and Intrusive Thoughts

[OCD_Me]

Hi All ~ this is my 1st post *eek* 

So, my background is... As a small child I used to repeat sayings over and over in my head to make sure 'bad things' didn't happen, they would always have to be repeated a certain number of times etc etc. I had on and off periods of anxiety over the coming years and was finally diagnosed 17 years ago, at the age of 20 with OCD and GAD, this was after being house bound for around 3 months with debilitating panic attacks. I was prescribed a medication that got me out and about and back to 'normal'. I still take this today.

Over the past 17 years I have functioned quite well and the majority of people would see me as a well adjusted, happy, carefree woman (if they only knew!). Anxiety and OCD have always been there just bubbling away under the surface.

6 months ago after being under some stress I started having palpitations and a handful of panic attacks. I haven't really been myself since then. I have a great GP who has referred my to a psychologist, but I can't see her for another fortnight. And also a psychiatrist to confirm the original diagnosis from 17 years ago to make sure we are undertaking the right treatment. 

I can cope ok with the anxiety and no longer truly fear panic attacks which seems to keep them at bay. What I truly struggle with and it breaks my heart, are the intrusive thoughts. They are violent and are directed toward the person that means the most to me, my son. Logically I understand all about intrusive thoughts... I understand that they are automatic, that they mean nothing, that anxiety picks on the ones we love the most etc. But they still hurt and frighten me so much. 

I know that I should just ignore them and let them be, but being a true Obsessive that little thought is always in the background saying 'What if" 

What if you are truly capable of this.

What if you snap and lose your mind.

What if, what if, what if.

It's at the point where I don't feel comfortable being too close to my son even though I know that's exactly what I should be doing to let my mind know that I have no fear of these annoying, upsetting thoughts. 

Thanks for letting me share my story and vent my worries

[adele6]

wow, it was really comforting to read these messages as I am in exactly the same boat. Was shocked when I was diagnosed with OCD roughly 5 years ago as I thought it was just anxiety- panic attacks and I was just a bit disturbed in the head to have the thoughts I was having. After a good dose of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) I became functional again and barely thought of it for two years. A year ago however ,I guess I had a relapse after a bit of a scare that induced a panic attack. 

I am the same as you- logically I can understand that the thoughts that come in to my head are illogical and that I need to follow all the steps Ive been taught to combat them. However, I have a range of intrusive thoughts, violent and sexual and they have and continue to hinder the way I go about my life. I would rather not post it on here but I would love to talk to some other people who have had similar intrusive thoughts and ways that they have combatted them. I am booked in to an anxiety clinic next week which I hope will help me once again put my OCD into long awaited dormancy!! However, I'd love to talk further with those who have suffered from this. Is there a way to have small group or individual discussions on here so it is not posted for all to see?

[adele6]

also, a book that has really helped me with intrusive thought is 'the happiness trap' by Russ Harris which was recommended to me by an OCD specialist

[Etta]

I am the same as you adele6 I would never write here my exact thoughts as those thoughts freaked me out I would never tell a big community like this what they are. I think that it is a good idea to have a small community to talk to other people about these thoughts so that way people could help one another to get through these difficult times and they would understand cause they have been through the same thing I would be up for that

[geoff]

dear Etta, OCD-Me and Adele, I can well and truly understand the concern you both have in regards to posting your thoughts.

I have been on this site for about 8 years and I have only told the people on this site, or someone else who also has OCD just a few details, but not to the full extent, because like the both of you it does seem to be embarrassing.

I talk about so many different issues that I have experienced personally or know of, and all my comments are truly honest and no bul------t, but I have to say that here on Beyond Blue forum there is no criticism, no judgement but only advice, support and suggestions, so what I am saying is that other people will tell us what is troubling themselves, and some of this information is very private and only discussed here on this site.

The concern is that we don't have to fully disclose the full habits or rituals, like I could say what I have to do before I go to bed everytime, because if I don't then I lay in bed and the need to get up and do this habit compels me to HAVE to do, so up I get and perform it, so then I can go to sleep.

Another example is I have to do something before I get out of the car, otherwise I can't get out, so it's not exactly what I do, but just in general.

I had this illness for 54 years but over this time my habits and rituals have changed.

I don't know whether this any help or not, but I certainly want to continue this post, and would love to hear back from the both of you. L Geoff. x

[kay-lea]

Hi I am new here and I found this post very similar to the way I feel day in day out. I suffer from anxiety OCD and depression. I had my first panic attack when I was 11 years of age and im now 20 and still having to deal with it only it keep getting worse. Everyday I have to repeat pointless things in my head, constant breathing difficulties, feel as though everyone hates me, paranoid. Its horrible ive always been to councilors and prescribed medication but I still hate everything :(.

I wish I could just be the old happy me I once was I want to be normal again. People are always telling me its all in your head, no one understands. I feel like it causes alot of tention between my partner and I because he thinks im just in a bad nasty mood when really im screaming out for attention. 

[geoff]

dear Kay-lea, welcome to this site, and it's always good to have new people join us.

How true you are when you say 'no one understands', because these other people just can't assimilate with what we have to do is because of this illness we have. 

How can they believe that we have to check the door lock again and again, because they keep saying 'you're just checked it 3 times, and you know it's locked so why do it again', but that's what it compels us to HAVE TO DO.

I'm sure that you have read all the previous comments above, and realise that this illness does actually intrude on many people, and there could be many who have this illness, but are too embarrassed to comment on it.

I do understand this, and I do respect their privacy, but after 54 years of being incarcerated with it day in and day out, and even having to do it when I am with people, I am more than pleased to talk about it. L Geoff. x

[Etta]

Hey Geoff sorry for the late reply been busy. I hate to hear that you have been battling this illness for 54 years I hope you have family around you that are supportive and help you in your low times. I have been battling these demons for 10 years and some days it totally consumes me I think that talking on these sort of forums helps a lot so we can all see where not the only ones going through this 

[geoff]

dear Etta, no and thanks for asking.

An elder brother used to tease me when I was young, and my twin brother where the both of us slept in the same room, didn't even bother about it, nor did he ever question me on why I was doing these habits/rituals, but outside of that room I began to hide everything  in what I was doing, so that no one even knew, but if for same reason I was caught out on doing something I would have an answer on why I did it, so they then didn't worry.

I have changed in what I was committed to do, such as now I can walk on cracks in the footpath, but the main ones I still have to do, like before I get out of the car, or if I knock myself on something I have to go back and do it again, as my number of times is 4, however I can do it 10 times, while I am counting to 4.

I take a SSRI  antidepressant which is supposed to help with OCD, maybe it does or maybe it doesn't, probably the latter because I still have to do them, so it's a load of bull as far as I am concerned, but those pros. who believe it works and does the job, well I leave them to their own opinion, but I beg to differ.

So no I had no support and battled it by myself.

What about yourself, and I am curious as to whether it runs in the family, or has it been because of certain circumstances that has caused it.

None of my 4 siblings and this includes my twin brother nor my parents had it, but I believe that someone else in the past was controlled by it.

I still believe that other people who don't have it believe that it's rather strange to do these habits/rituals, because they can't understand that a grown man has to touch things 4 times, or to keep checking to see if the door is locked, so that's why I hide it, and no one knows that I have to do it.

I am really interested with what happens to you. L Geoff. x

[kay-lea]

Hi geoff,

Thank you so much for replying it is nice to know that I am not the only one out there who suffers this illness. People don't understand how hard it is on you day to day living. I constantly have breathing problems which I find yawning helps it get on track. But with the "door lock" subject I find that with my ocd i have to go through a routine in my head every morning making sure ive done everything,  then I circle the bouse checking appliances, door locks etc.. I even continue to repeat it when driving to work and if I say it wrong in my head I have to repeat it again then I get anxious. 

I also find if I hear and watch something whether being on t.v or in a generalized conversation for e.g (cancer) I freak out and say I have this I have that then I staft to panic. 

I feel if people are ranting about someone it's automatically aimed toward me even if I barely know them or haven't spoken to them in years. Im so paranoid. I just would love to go back to being care free and feeling "normal" again. 

When people carry on about it being all in your head really upsets me and I can never find a good way to explain what it feels like. 

kay-lea

[Etta]

Hi Geoff my mum actually has ocd she washes her hands about 20 to 30 times a day she won't touch any thing with out going to wash her hands after woods usually she has a rag or tissue  to touch surfaces like the telephone or door handles she's has had this problem for as long as I can remember. I on the other hand suffer from ocd intrusive thoughts I think I would rather the actions rather than the thoughts when the thoughts take a hold of me it is like I would rather be dead than have to go through that thankfully I have a great doctor that has put me on the right medication and that helps a lot. My family are the same as yours they really don't like to talk about my depression so I keep it to my self the only person who asks me all the time if I'm ok and need any thing is my adult son thank god I have been blessed with an amazing son but sometimes I see a bit of depression and ocd in him and that scares the hell out of me. Hope you are doing ok thanks for helping people like me understand our problems take care 

etta x