Nothing stays the same

[HelenM]

It's strange. I was dreading the Christmas period. But a few days before Christmas I found myself feeling well for much of the time. And apart from a few hours here and there I've had a good time. Strange though.  It felt like a ceasefire rather than anything else. And I'm very glad I had it.  But now I'm back to where I was. Scared.  Fear of the future robs you of the day. But I'm not able to live in the day.  Whatever the fear it's the intensity that cripples. That awful fear that your life is wrecked. That somehow you will ruin everyone else's life. I'm living with it. And it's amazing how days pass by. And the ways I try to put it in perspective.   Looking at all the centuries and thinking of all the people who have got by.    

If I say please don't tell me it'll be fine don't take offence. It feels like a mockery. I really hope that doesn't offend anyone because on here I meet the nicest people. It's just that at the beginning of Dec. it all got worse and in a way I need people to let me be where I am.  Does that make sense. I think I'm frightened of letting people down if I don't improve. I can't be any other way. I can only be ill. 

The only other thing to say is I hate it,  I hate it,  I hate it!     It is impossible for people to imagine it.  What we all suffer.  

Sorry for being so miserable.  Helen  x

[Guest_1055]

Hey Helen

I hate it too.... I could almost feel you yelling it out that you hate it. I mean what is there to like about it. So you are yelling out the truth. Sometimes I go to the beach and just scream it out into the noisy waves, just let it all out, just let it all out.

Not sure what else to say, but I do care about you.

With love

Shelley xx

[Mummybee]

I just have to say, I agree.

sometimes you can talk yourself into it, usually when things are around to distract you, but then, it comes back. It always comes back.

mummybee 

[Zeal]

Hi Helen M,

Mental illness really can feel relentless, and sometimes is. I'm glad you were able to feel and be well over Christmas 🙂 I felt anxious this morning after my boyfriend texted to say he isn't going on the winery tour today with his family anymore. I then replied by asking how he is today (he doesn't have mental illness btw), and I haven't had a reply yet. It's been less than 2 hours. My mind automatically settled on the idea that maybe he's unwell, and this possibility made me feel quite worried. As the morning has gone on, I have been distracting myself by coming here to the forum and also by thinking back to how many times he is actually sick. I realised that being unwell was one of the least common reasons for my boyfriend changing plans. Still, the worry doesn't retreat completely.

I hope you are able to keep forging on in this New Year, and hopefully have some moments of joy and calmness.

Best wishes,

SM

[HelenM]

Thank you all for your posts.    

It helps that you understand. Mental illness is a part of my life and has been for fourteen years now  -  on and off. Like any chronic problem it's really hard going. At least on here I can say how I feel.    

Helen x

[Neil_1]

Dear Helen

Firstly, welcome to the new year of 2016 – but as my son very aptly put it on Friday – “Happy New Year – well not really because after all it is just another day – the fact that it’s a New Year is just a terminology kind of thing”.  I agree with that totally as well.  But without these things that are set in stone, then it would be just one day running into the next and so on.

I was only thinking on the weekend about the whole Santa thing and Christmas and all that.  And how much it dominates our lives at this time of the year and the lead up to it all.  Then in the shops, the sales come on and the costs are reduced and people go absolutely nuts about trying to score some big bargains.  As my Mum used to say “It’s only a bargain if you need it”.  Which does make you wonder for those Boxing Day sale rushes – are people really that much “in need” of purchasing that towel set or those sheets, etc.

Sorry, big digression to start off.

I agree with your entire post and therefore totally understand what you said.

The feeling of letting people down if we don’t improve – oh wow, I know that feeling very well.  It’s not like we don’t want to get better – I truly believe we really do want to get better – I mean why oh why would we want to feel like this every day.  We want to improve, but we can’t.

The other thing you said “It is impossible for people to imagine it.  What we all suffer”.  I’ve said this or similar to my partner on many occasions.

One last thing Helen – on here we never have to say “sorry” about anything.

Kind regards

Neil

[Nellie7]

Hi,

I've just signed up, I've been reading about anxiety and depression and I've made an appointment to see my GP (two days away) and I understand the fear that you are referring to. I've been spending a lot of time myself (I'm single) over the past few months not sure really knowing why. I then found out that I have two months to move house. Since then (boxing day) I cant sleep properly, I cant eat and when I do I cant keep it down, and I just want to curl up and ignore the world however I cant as the fear, tension and stress that I'm feeling has me thinking about this over and over again. I hate feeling like this.

I've spoken the friends and family however they all have said, 'You'll be fine, these feelings will go, it's normal', but I have now found somewhere to move to. Yes a big change but no change in anything else - I still cant eat or sleep, my stomach is churning, my feeling of isolation has increased, I have small tremors and I'm lying around the house with large amounts of work to do (packing and actual job work) and I cant bring myself to do anything.

I don't know how to get out of this loop. Reading the website and posts have made me cry for the first time as I don't feel isolated in the experience as much but still very fearful of what to do and how to get myself to do it.

Hope this makes sense, sorry.

Nellie