Newbie, needing help steering in the right direction

Tazinan · ‎15-05-2015

Hi I am struggling with my anxiety today. I feel shaky, teary and my heart rate is up, or it feels like it anyway. I am using my mindfulness tools to get through but I am so sick of feeling this way. Conflict is one of my triggers, I guess thats true for most people. I have two friends (a married couple) that every time I speak to, especially the wife, trying to arrange a dinner date or movie night, I end up upset. I dont know if its me being ultra sensitive or if its them being over critical. I have quite a wide circle of friends and dont have this problem with any of my other friends. I have tried to talk to my two friends about how they make me feel but it always ends up in conflict. Last time I ended up ill with anxiety for over a week, I was waking in the night with palpitations and had to go home from work one day after a panic attack. I feel like I should walk away from these friends but Im scared to, as what if its me thats the problem and not them. As I said I have tried to talk to these friends but it always ends up with me upset and apologising to them. In other words accept them as they are or walk away. I dont want to do this as I get on well with the husband, we have been friends since school days. How does one know if its me being oversensitive due to my illness or if they really are being toxic friends. I think if I could sort this out once and for all, I would feel so much better. Im at the point now Im starting to hide myself away, feeling worthless and very flat.

Elly_H · ‎15-05-2015

Hi Tazinan 🙂

Personally, I think you need to distance yourself from this couple. You did the right thing by confronting them about their behaviour and the way it makes you feel, and you should not have to apologise for this. Sure, your anxiety is probably making you a little bit sensitive, but good friends should be willing to adjust their behaviours if they are aware that it is impacting you negatively. You need to ask yourself..Is your friendship with them worth having to hide away and feel worthless? Friendships should be positive and encouraging in nature. Not detrimental to your well being. Perhaps you should distance yourself for a little while. Distancing yourself doesn't have to mean completing cutting ties (which sounds like something you don't want to do, especially with the male friend). If your friends begin to question your actions, then you can explain to them again about how their behaviour triggers your anxiety. Just be really forward with them and stand your ground. If they truly care about you, and begin to miss you, then they will adapt their behaviours around you. You need to think about yourself.

How are you feeling since you've posted? Have you relaxed a little bit? Or still a bit anxious? I'd suggest just keep going with the mindfulness, and keep exploring the beyond blue forums. I find that reading other people's problems and contributing to conversations really helps.

Thanks,

E

Tazinan · ‎16-05-2015

Thanks Elly. Writing all that down helped immensely, helped me to see things clearer and yes I think you are right. I'm feeling a lot better today thanks, still very jittery but lol that's getting to feel normal too. Thanks for your support.

White_Rose · ‎18-05-2015

Dear Tazinan

Welcome to Beyond Blue.

I agree with all that Elly has written. Remember that you get on OK with all your other friends, so why should it be your fault that you are having difficulties with this couple?

Stop trying to make arrangements to meet with them and wait until they contact you. Make time for a short activity like a coffee and chat. This way you can leave if things get upsetting without being obviously distressed. You never know, they may start to realise how unkind they are being.

There is also the possibility that this couple enjoy making other uncomfortable, displaying a mental illness of their own. I have no idea if this is the case but it is not beyond the realms of possibility. Charming people can be the most devastating to others because they do exactly as you describe; make it appear to be your fault. And if you are in the slightest way vulnerable you fall for it.

Read up about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if the behaviours fit this couple. Just a thought.

Love to hear from you again.
Mary

Tazinan · ‎22-05-2015

Thank you Mary. I think you may be right. I know the husband definitely has narcissistic traits as I have supported his wife through many a bad time when he's going through a stage of it. I am really disappointed in her as she seems to have "wiped me" now that they are getting along better. ( till his next stage)

i had another disagreement with her on Monday as I noticed she had restricted my husband and I on Facebook. I was offended by that so removed her from mine. The next day when I calmed down I called her to tell her why I had done this. Of course she turned it all on me, saying she hadn't restricted us and had no reason to do that. I know she had but she flat out denied it and said it must be tech issues and its "only FB" I agreed with her for the sake of peace and apologised. I know it is only FB and that feels a little childish but it's the reasons behind it that upset me. Since then she hasn't spoken to me at all. Why do I feel like it's all my fault? I can't see what I've done wrong but I feel like I have. As soon as I start thinking about it I feel myself get upset and my anxiety levels increase. I have trouble coping with that fact that someone might think bad of me even though I don't know why. I want to walk away from them both now and just cut all ties but as we mix in similar circles I know I will run into them and I can't cope with the discomfort of bad feelings, maybe I just need to suck it up and do that for my own sake

White_Rose · ‎22-05-2015

Dear Tazinan

Unfortunately this is the way people like this operate. You are the one being abused and yet it feels as though you are in the wrong. I do understand this as I have been through a similar situation. You really need to walk away. Yes it's hard because you are one of the peacemakers. But you cannot fix the unfixable.

Your friends do not deserve a friend like you. How do they go with other people? Do you talk to anyone else about this situation? Next time you are in a group with them, take note of how others interact with them. Those who are sure of themselves will stand up to this couple. They will speak their piece and then walk away without a backward glance.

Those who lack self confidence, like yourself, get sucked in to their mind games. I too share friends with those I am not happy with. My way of managing is to avoid talking to them, or only talk to them when others are present. If you feel attacked or denigrated, then walk away. No apology or explanation. Just make a comment like "I want to speak to such and such" and leave the group. No apology!

Once you have been made to feel guilty you will want to apologize and put things right. This is where you fall into their trap. Leave the conversation before it gets that far. And don't go back and apologize for leaving. If one or other of the couple ask why you left simply give the reason you gave for leaving and refuse to elaborate. If they continue the conversation say you have no idea why it is so important to them but it seems a bit silly to pursue the subject. AND WALK AWAY.

I know your heart will start racing and you will feel the urge to go back and make up. Resist as this will make you even more vulnerable. This acquaintanceship cannot continue because it is destroying your self esteem and confidence. Unfriend them from FB and any other social media and do not go onto their FB site. They are clearly lying to you, which is normal for these folk, and as you are an honest person you will be the one who is hurt.

It will be a bit uncomfortable when you meet socially but that will pass. Keep a smile on your face, make the usual social smalltalk and don't engage with them.

Sorry to be directive. I really have been there before and this is the only thing that works and allows you peace of mind.

Mary

Tazinan · ‎24-05-2015

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me Mary. You are right. I am starting to see that now. Since I made my last post, I havent spoken to either of them and I feel so much better already. I actually laughed yesterday 🙂

I cant see how they are with other people as they dont really have any other friends. They seem quite happy just by themselves, until they argue then they run to me to whinge about each other. Not healthy for me and Im not doing it anymore. I use to invite them out with my friends a lot but they didnt really mix well with them. Quite frankly my friends felt like these people were looking down on them and didnt like them being invited. I am going to take your advice and thank you for that.

White_Rose · ‎25-05-2015

Glad to be able to help. Keep your chin up and remember how nice it is to be relaxed and happy.

Write in again any time you want to talk.

Mary