My journey through severe anxiety, depression and an eating disorder...

[shyviolet79]

Hello 🙂 I just thought I would share a little here about my journey, and well, just say hi I suppose! I joined bluevoices quite a while back, but kind of lacked the courage to post... 

I am in my mid-thirties and have struggled with my mental health for basically as far back as I can remember... As a child, I was seen as very shy and sensitive, but as I reached my teens, I guess it stepped up a notch or two and I developed major social anxiety, depression and an eating disorder ~ not that I had a diagnosis back then... All I knew was that I was different and 'wrong', in my opinion, in every sense of the word... 

I didn't receive any help for this until I was in my early 20's, a mum of two very small babies and struggling to the point where I couldn't leave the house ~ I couldn't even check the mail, as my shyness was way too severe... The psychologist had to come to my house to see me and I could barely speak to her, nor make eye contact. 

To sum it up, I suppose you could say that I have spent my whole life dealing with mental illness, and I still do today, although I can now function far better than before, thanks to years and years of very intensive therapy under the mental health services... At my worst, I have been hospitalised as an involuntary patient due to self-harm, my eating disorder and a suicide attempt....At my best, I suppose you could say I have raised four children on my own for the last 12 years, and that, although they each have had to deal with a lot due to my illness, they are all loving, beautiful individuals 🙂 I still struggle severely, still see a psychologist and have a support worker occasionally too... I cannot work, as my anxiety is just still too high for that, but I am studying (although that brings its own challenges!)... 

Mostly, I suppose I wish I could express to others that, no matter how very dark the depths of your despair may feel, this WILL ease in time... It is the loneliest, soul-shattering illness to battle, but in the end it does make you a stronger, more compassionate person when you come through the other side.... I have a huge desire to help others now, and although I can barely speak to people in person, I have found that I can write..... ... It is a huge part of me, but does not define me as a person 🙂

 Thankyou, 

Chantell 🙂

[Fairywings]

Hi beautiful mummy  i must say welcome and secondly so brave of you to share your experience. Very nice to meet you im venessa. It takes such courage and im so proud of you. I can empathize with you history coz i have suffered the same dark past stemming from childhood sexual abuse depression self harm eating disorders and everything else these monsters bring. Yes it is our inner strength that allows us to keep going not only for us but for the sake of our kids. You are an amazing woman to raise 4 babies flying solo. I have one son he has just recently turned 3 and he is autistic but he isn't my only child. My other 4 babies are in heaven being looked after by their own little angels. That's a great deal of courage and i put my hand up to u. I was about the same age when i seeked professional help from my psyciatrist whom now i still see to this day.  In am now 37yrs old so yeah a long time and that's definitely nothing to be ashamed of. Even till these days i still have my ups and downs but am able to pick myself up quicker than what i used to be able given the support from therapy.  You are so right when u say this stuff we go through only makes us stronger bc it does and there is always light at the end of a very dark tunnel. We just have to keep believing in ourselves that we will find that light one day as long as we keep pushing on.  You r going to be a great inspiration in here so thanks again for sharing your experiences with us xx take care venessa 😊 

[Guest_5218]

Good morning Chantell.

Thankyou so much for your lovely post.  And I'm very glad that you have finally summoned up the courage to post to the BB Forums.  Your courage in doing so, and in sharing your story with everyone here, will surely help others to overcome the immense difficulties associated with ongoing mental health issues.

You have come through some incredibly difficult times over the years, havent you?  And yet through it all you have come out the other side as a well adjusted, still functioning and fabulous person.  And on top of everything you have raised 4 wonderful children essentially on your own.  Wow, well done !!!!

I greatly admire all that you have managed to accomplish, you should be very very proud of yourself.

It must have meant a lot to finally find that supportive GP and psychologist who helped you so much back when things got so bad for you?  I'm pleased that you now have strategies in place to help you get through the still inevitable tough times as they occur.  Because of course they do, and always will.  That is just a part of the constant swings and roundabouts of our battles with mental illness.

I  suffer from anxiety (ptsd and ocd), and I'm also very shy and lacking in confidence.  I find it extremely difficult to talk openly about any of these issues with anybody.  My psychologist originally suggested I join the BB Forums as a bit of a release for me, and in an effort to try to 'open up' a bit.  So I joined at the end on November last year.  And since that time, I believe that I have learned a lot.  And also benefited a lot by 'talking' to so many others with similar issues.  Just knowing that you are not unique in this daily battle is a comfort in itself.  And the support I have received from others here has been invaluable.

Like you, although I am totally inept at speaking, I find I can comfortably write.  Another coping method that I have learned.  When my ptsd gets really bad, I sometimes just write for hours  -  What I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, anything really.  Its just a release I guess, because I have no other method of venting.  It does help.  So I can understand your motivation in setting up your fb page 'shy little pixie'.  Good on your for doing that.

And thankyou so much for your desire to help others.  

I really look forward to reading further posts as you start to contribute to some of the discussions on the Forums.

A very big welcome to you   ( - :

Sherie xx

[shyviolet79]

Hi Venessa, 

Thankyou so much for your very welcoming comments! I really was quite nervous after hitting the 'post' button... It certainly sounds like you have been through so much yourself, and I really commend you for being able to share your story here too ~ I know how much courage that takes! 

Im so sorry to hear about the loss of your other four babies... I feel for you so much, that must have been incredible difficult to go through... I love the way you mentioned that they are now being looked after by their own angels up in heaven ~ that's lovely 🙂 

I am almost 37yr too, so I suppose we have been on similar journeys all these years! You are very correct when you say that we become better at picking ourselves up again after each fall ~ I suppose that is one benefit of therapy, and just of all our years of struggling... 

Thankyou again, it's lovely to meet you 🙂 I really love your username too! 

Chantell x

[shyviolet79]

Hi Sherie, 

Thankyou so much for your welcoming comments here! It really was lovely to read 🙂 

it sounds like we have quite a bit in common, in regards to our struggles with shyness and lack of confidence... It affects so many things in life, doesn't it? I liken it to a huge brick wall infront of me much of the time, preventing me from being able to achieve the things I wish I could do! 

Wow, what a great psychologist you had! Great idea to suggest that you join this forum 🙂 It sounds like it has been a huge help for you in many ways... I am honestly so grateful for the communication options online ~ I know I would be very isolated if this wasn't available, and I do feel so much for those who don't have this option... I remember how alone I felt all those years ago... 

I'm really glad you have found writing so helpful too 🙂 It is a wonderful release, I agree! And can be helpful to look back on down the track, to see how far you have come, and to help you to understand a bit more all the chaos inside your head... Well, that's been my experience 😉 

It's really nice to meet you here, and I look forward to reading more posts from you! 

Thankyou again, 

Chantell x

[Fairywings]

Hi beautiful thankyou for your beautiful words yes just like u i have been round the world and back.  All of my 4 my babies r with me everyday and yes i was so hard to go thru but i got thru it 😇😇. My username is another story which i will gladly share with you.  Im a very spiritual person. Someone once told me that i carry a white light and a halo above my head. To my astonishment they were correct. I am indeed an earth angel put on this earth to help beautiful people like you and everyone else in here.  To be exact i am arch angel Gabriel which is the highest acendent to god. He is surrounded by a white light and has a halo above his head.  I feel very blessed to have this gift its pretty beautiful and i love helping people and see them happy its just in my nature xx 😍 so yeah i really thought my username fitted my description of who i am just brilliantly. It was lovely to meet u 2 xxoo 😍 😍 

[shyviolet79]

Thankyou for sharing the reasons behind your username with me 🙂 How lovely! You do seem like such a caring person and I'm sure there are many people who feel much happier after being in your presence 🙂 

I love the term earth angel too 😍 x

[Fairywings]

Thanks hunny yes they sure do xx 😊 😍