My husband wants a family, but one of my panic triggers is pregnancy how can I move past it?

[Fidgety]

Hi,

I have been suffering with panic disorder since I was 19, it began when I started having sex with my partner, and every month I would be sent into a spiral of worry, panic and panic attacks over the idea I might be pregnant. The obsessive cycle would repeat over and over again, and even taking pregnancy tests would only abate the feeling for maybe two days and I would begin again. I am often triggered by health concerns and that was the biggest trigger in my early 20's. I was medicated and have been managing well for 14 years now.

My husband recently has been expressing his desire to have a family, as we are approaching an age in which it begins to get harder and more complicated to have children 35+. Whenever he brings up the subject, it triggers a panic attack, my body's learnt response to the idea of pregnancy. My panic prevents me from discussing the topic, or even having rational emotions to it. Lets face it change is hard to anyone suffering from anxiety and this specific trigger is not helping me at all, I need to get rid of this negative response so I can with a clear mind make a decision with conviction and no doubts to eat away at me.

The more I struggle with this, the more I feel myself slip backwards into the constant worry and it is beginning to consume me. I need help I am terrified that this will sabotage my relationship with my husband.

[jess334]

Hi Fidgety.

First, I'd like to welcome to the forums. It can be a great place to find support & like minded people.

I have issues with anxiety and panic attacks too. I felt a little differently from you, I wanted to get pregnant for ages, but I was terrified of morning sickness. One of my triggers is being sick / nauseous.

I kept the panic at bay by focusing on everything I could control. I started researching conception and learned how to tell when I was ovulating. Luckily it only took us two months to fall pregnant. After that I was too focused on the thought of the birth to even worry about the nausea! Plus I ended up being nauseated for about 16 weeks - so quickly got used to it and stopped being anxious.

Are you able to picture your life with / without children? Do you know if you want children? Are you scared of the pregnancy, the birth, or being a parent? All are truly scary, but pregnancy is over before you know it and the birth part is only 1 day.

Not everyone does want children and honestly - anxiety can make parenting really really difficult. I have had many moments where I wonder if I did the right thing by having a baby. But the majority of the time I am so glad that I pushed past my anxiety and did it.

It has to be your decision to have a baby. Do you have a psychologist or councellor you can speak to about this? They might be able to help you clarify how you feel. Your GP should be able to refer you. Also, many anxiety medications are safe to continue to take during pregnancy, so you might be able to manage your anxiety that way.

Please feel free to keep chatting if you want.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[Fidgety]

Hi,

I am unsure about my feelings, it is hard to see past the blinding panic. And for us with anxiety we have a very hard time with major changes, experience has taught me that change is not always bad, but it doesn't stop the fear and worry. Being a parent is what scares me, being responsible for another, financial commitment, restriction of what I could do, organisation, stress on my relationship, tha fact we are alone in a town away from our families, My anxiety focuses on these things and I feel like I am such a mess how could I ever cope, and I don't even get to see the positives that are there. Further to that my brain goes down the rabbit hole on worrying if I would be terrible at it, or that I would regret it, or my anxiety would effect the baby, etc the usual over exaggerating that sends me over the deep end.

My husband and I spoke about going back to my Dr who treats me and getting further help which I am hoping to do soon, it has been two days since my last panic attack and I still feel very fragile, sick, and worrying about everything.

I dont have an honest answer to whether or not I want children. I am sure I could do it, I just want to be all in.

How do you make a decision that it not ruled by your anxiety ?

[jess334]

Hi Fidgety,

Being a parent is scary! Even people without anxiety have anxiety about major life changes, especially parent hood.

I also struggle to make decisions without taking my anxiety into account. Usually I do all the research I can and try to make the decision logically. Unfortunately that won't work in this scenario because becoming a parent is an emotional decision not a logical one.

I hope seeing your doctor helps. If you want, they can give you a referral for 10 psychology visits which are subsidised by Medicare. Talking it through either by yourself or with your partner might really help.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[jess334]

Hi again,

Just something to add - it is possible to parent with anxiety. Even when I have been in the middle of a full blow panic attack, I have been able to function as a parent. I can still pick him up, feed him, change him, sing to him, whatever he needs.

It's not easy, I still feel sick and clammy and dizzy, but my brain and body instinctively puts his needs before my anxiety.

Hope that helps. Jess