Marriage on the rocks, new job is bad

[Pyrolee]

Hi
I feel like my marriage is slipping away. We've been married for 6 years and had a whole process issue with her visa and battled through this for years, we've finally got this sorted and able to live life without restrictions. However I've found as soon as this has happened my wifes priorities has changed and now she's trying to get her parents from overseas to come live with us and she even said she wants to buy a house mainly for her, her parents and our son and I feel like where does that leave me because I work my tail off to provide for her and our son who's 8 months and her priorities are parents. She also speaks to her cousin who's also in Australia and she's having issues with her family and in-laws and feel like its rubbing off onto my wife and now destroying our marriage as well. In terms of work I've found a new job but it's a very messy and a dysfunctional workplace and feel like I have to just do this job just to eventually get a house which won't even be mine freely. I feel like what's the point of living if all I'm living for is just to work and get a house that isn't really gonna be mine. Even if we separate I feel like I'm letting my newborn son down as he's the most important person in my life at the moment. My wife, myself and son still live at home with my parents as we can't afford to move out. What should I do because I can't change my wife's views and I'm getting mentally and physically exhausted with life.

[Croix]

Dear Pyrolee~

Welcome back to the Forum. It is not an easy situation for you, perhaps the best short term thing ot do might be to see if you can get a job you are happy with, even if it earns a bit less. Living with parents can sometimes give a bit of flexibility in that area, and one less stress has to be good.

Many people that come from overseas are very family-centric, and are happiest when surrounded by family. In addition to which they want the best for them which may well involve coming to Australia. It is very easy to think under those circumstances that you are on the outside and being used.

In any good partnership both people are trying to love, cherish and look after the other. At the moment you are working harder in a poor job to please your partner. Can I ask how much your partner is doing to cherish you and relive some of that burden?

Would it be reasonable for instance for her to contribute to the expense of family coming out, by working (which I know is awkward with a child) and to be content living with you and your son, and having family separate but nearby?

Do you think it might be a good idea to discuss this with her, saying you feel simply like a wage earner and her priorities and affection do not seem to put you right up there? If you think that just the two of you talkng might not work can you both go to a councilor? An outside perspective can be very helpful.

It may be quite possible to the two of you to overcome this difficulty, after all you managed to get though the trials of getting a visa, something pretty hard to do.

You are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Mark Z.]

Hi Pyrolee,

I heard about your troubles and I just wanted to say, I'm really sorry you're going through all this. It must be really hard.

Croix shared some thoughts that I fully agree with. Dealing with big problems both at work and at home is a lot for anyone. So, maybe you could think about looking for a new job. One that makes you happy. I know things are tough right now with jobs because of the economy, but don't lose hope. It might take a bit of time, but I believe you'll find something good for you.

About things with your wife, Croix mentioned some cultural differences. It's true that in some cultures, it's legal and moral obligation to take care of older parents. The important thing is, do you and your wife still want to help each other and be there for each other in the long run? Maybe find a calm moment to have a heart-to-heart talk with her.

I really hope things start looking up for you soon. Please feel free to come back. We're here for you.

Take care,
Mark

[geoff]

Hello Pyrolee, the situation you are in is a very precarious one, because if you can purchase a house and pay it off then you'll have your inlaws come and live with you, your wife and your son, not much different than where you are living now, although I appreciate parents are different than inlaws and how your wife reacts may be different to her parents, rather her inlaws.

If you do decide to separate then you shouldn't lose any contact with your son and it will be quality time, because what difference is there between living with your parents, compared to living with her parents, well some I know, but irrespective of their nationality, living with just your family is more appropriate, otherwise problems will slowly develop.

You are only staying with your parents to save money and her argument that now the family should move out and buy a home, so her parents can come and live with you, doesn't gel, because many problems will slowly develop and that's not what you want.

Happy to continue.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Pyrolee]

Hi Croix

The partner looks after the son at home and is pregnant with the second one, in terms of relieving the burden she looks after the kids, financially and mentally nothing. In regards to living with the parents we don't want to move to rent as we both think renting is wasted money, even if we did rent my wife would end up bringing her parents to live with us anyway. I've told my partner I feel like she doesn't care about me and she says she does but feel like actions speak louder than words. Alot of my finance does to her family, also found medication which I use goes to them as well, I've had times where I've been sick I've asked, where's my Panadol and ointments, oh I gave them to my parents.

[Pyrolee]

Hi Geoff, thanks for reaching out, you seem to get my issue, I buy a place my partners parents move in, don't get a place I live with my parents, so no solutions, also feel like my partner is more in it for my son, second one on the way, her and her parents to live together, I'm currently thinking about divorce but don't want this affecting my kids, my parents are separated but live together but live in a very toxic relationship and feel like that's affected me and my upbringing