Lost and hurt.

[1brokenheart]

I have recently discovered that my husband regularly watches porn.
We have been married 27 years and together for 30 and this has been an ongoing source of contention between us over the years and from very early on.
I have from the beginning made it very clear how I feel about it, how to me it feels like he is cheating and what it does to my self esteem and self worth and value as his wife. I have numerous times found porn sites in his history along with screen shots of images of woman in his photographs, including a woman he worked with. He has told me when he sees good looking woman he imagines having sex with them whether it be woman he sees on the street or on tv, even while I’m right there with him those thoughts cross his mind. He has admitted he has a problem ,that it’s him not me, he is sorry, he won’t do it again and so on.
The last time he was caught out promised “ never again” I thought our relationship had elevated on all levels and to a place that I believed him but was always in the back of my mind.
So to discover recently he had continued
despite knowing at what cost has been devastating, I suffer with anxiety in general but I feel this has heightened that and added a degree of depression which I’ve never felt before and am really struggling and don’t know what to do.
I am getting barely any sleep even with sleeping pills can not eat, struggling to function at home or work and feel nothing inside but sadness and hurt and anger, have become consumed by his betrayal and have withdrawn from interacting with anyone unless I have to for work.
I really don’t want to resort to medications as I have in the past for anxiety and did not like it at all but I don’t know what else to do.
please I would appreciate any comments or advice.

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to beyond blue.

I am fairly confident my first statement will not make you feel any better, there are many other posts on the forum for people whose partners watch porn. A google search for "beyond blue husband watches porn". On the positive side (?) you will be able to read some of these stories to find out others have done in this situation.

When you found out your husband was watching porn again after he told you "never again" you must have felt betrayed, confused, angry and many other emotions and given the length of time you have been married. Unfortunately watching porn can be an addiction as well and treated as such. With that in mind, stopping would be something he wants to do. There is also the question of the "why", assuming that matters.

Since you have had conversations about this before, I think he would be embarrassed you found out again. A question if I may - while he may remember you would consider it cheating, is he aware of the effect this has on you?

Patience and persistence. Also, have you considered seeking professional help for yourself? (Given your sleeping and eating problems presently.) You deserve better from your husband yet I cannot tell you what you do. or what actions to take.) I would listen if you told more of your story.

Tim

[1brokenheart]

Tim

I appreciate a your quick response and yes I have read many of the posts regarding this issue for many wives.
To answer your question, yes he does remember my stance in this matter and is well aware of the effects on me. I asked him if it is a need and said no he wants to do it.
I have endured a lot of unacceptable behaviour during our long relationship abc together we worked to stay together, this is one subject matter for some reason that tests me apart and he knows that. I’m really struggling with “why” knowing that does he continue.
I am open to answering your questions to get a better grip on the situation and get my anxiety and depression manageable before it spirals.

[Kahil12]

This is a tough situation,

Personally, I don't think Porn is a bad thing but if you have explained to him how it makes you feel and he still continues then I can see the issue.

Can I ask the question about your sex life? is it good? Is your husband watching porn simply because he is a horny dude?

From what you have told us I can see the disrespect part he is showing towards you but its really hard to give any practical advice without knowing the full story, meaning his side of things as well.

Maybe try watching male porn to get him jealous haha

Really I think its best you maybe take a break from your work and husband for a few weeks, get an Airbnb somewhere in nature and clear your head! (even if its for a few days)

[smallwolf]

OK. I am just going to throw out some questions I would have...

(and I agree with most of Kahil12's post above)

(unfortunately, I am somewhat logical with regard to own situation with depression and anxiety. In all the sessions I have had with my psychologist, I take things as far as they might go... And then what...?)

On one occasion he said "never again", and now says he wants to watch which seems to contradiction his previous statement. If it is a want (vs need) it sounds as though you opinion on the matter counts for little.

Is some sort of compromise available between the both of you? Or does this become a deal-breaker?

If you were able to find out the reason of his want (vs need) to watch would that make much difference to how you viewed his watching it?

My last question in this post might seem a little odd...

to what level have you educated yourself on watching porn? Not asking you to watch anything! For example: is porn a deal breaker? why do men hide porn from partner? watching porn as stress release? It might give you some insight to the some of those unanswered questions you have and perhaps work out the your next step.)

I imagine the situation is upsetting and demoralising for you - do something for yourself as a nice distraction.

Tim

[1brokenheart]

Thankyou Kahill12 for your response, porn has never sat well with me, it makes me extremely uncomfortable and it makes me really unsettled and anxious that he watches it, for reasons I recognise and some I do not.
Sex has always a been very part of our relationship, which has been positive yet it has also been associated with a lot of negative as well.
There has been a lot of disrespect and disregard on his part, remembering we have been together 30 years.
porn is the one area that his disrespect (simply because he knows my feelings on it and how it affects me mentally and emotionally which then has physical side effects and it is unnecessary to be watching) that infuriates me, that why can’t My needs be worth to him than his want to watch porn, yes I’d say he watches it because he is “a horny dude” but I’m his wife of thirty years, Who has tolerated way too much during that time and deserves more respect. Each time he chooses to do it, he is consciously choosing to do that to me then lie, sneak and hide it.

Taking a break is unfortunately not an option, we have a farm and it is my responsibility solely 3-5 days a week.
My concerns are- do I trust him yet again when he says he won’t do it again?- the fact it has triggered and elevated bad anxiety to the point the smallest things in life are becoming overwhelming- I am now so preoccupied with my body image I have been having panic attacks and struggling to be seen by him naked- trying to process the hurt and anger- it has resurfaced many very painful memories from the past.

I wonder how many men care about the repercussions of “ oh it’s just porn”?

This is a tough situation,

Personally, I don't think Porn is a bad thing but if you have explained to him how it makes you feel and he still continues then I can see the issue.

Can I ask the question about your sex life? is it good? Is your husband watching porn simply because he is a horny dude?

From what you have told us I can see the disrespect part he is showing towards you but its really hard to give any practical advice without knowing the full story, meaning his side of things as well.

Maybe try watching male porn to get him jealous haha

Really I think its best you maybe take a break from your work and husband for a few weeks, get an Airbnb somewhere in nature and clear your head! (even if its for a few days)

[1brokenheart]

Tim

You really hit the nail on the head and is one big point I have made. He has very regard for my feelings or opinion.
Yes, we are both aware that if this is to happen again it is indeed a deal breaker.
Yes, I have done a lot of reading over the last month, some I understand and some like my husband’s situation is simply for self satisfaction, which can be done without watching something knowing how it affects your wife and knowing you are breaking the vow you made to her.

To do something nice for myself is difficult when I am barely getting the basic things done to get through the day. I feel so low I couldn’t even enjoy something as simple as hot bath.

[Sophie_M]

Hi 1brokenheart, Thank you for your posts this morning. It sounds like things are really difficult at the moment and it's so brave of you to reach out and talk about it. Please know that you don't have to go through this on your own. You have mentioned struggling with anxiety and feeling low. Are you aware of Beyond Blue's support service? We really encourage you to get in touch with one of our professional counsellors to have a chat.. We can be reached 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on email and Webchat (3pm-12am AEST) through our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Warm regards