Intrusive thoughts

[purelight]

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I have been following with interest people's stories and realising that I should share my story in the hope that one or more of you could help me. And perhaps down the track I might be able to help others. I have had ocd for as long as I can remember. My dad had ocd, although he never admitted it and it was obvious that his sister has it as well. At first the ocd centrered around doing things a set number of times. eg As a child of about 10 years of age I felt I needed to get into and out of bed a set number of times before "it felt right" This progressed to checking taps, doors and other appliances numerous times. When I had children I would check on them numerous time while they were asleep just to make sure thy were still breathing and that I hadn't covered their head with the blankets. My most debilitating obsession is my intrusive thoughts and when the ocd is not being managed appropriately this is what brings me unstuck. I am 58 years old and I'm still bothered by the same horrible intrusive thoughts. A while ago I decided that my medications were not as effective as they had been. I decided to wean off the meds, one was an SSRI and the other an anti psychotic. I did this without really listening to my psychiatrist.After I'd weaned down to a certain level I then swapped over to a different SSRI. Under the guidance of my psychiatrist I have now increased the dose of the SSRI to a level I can tolerate and am about to increase dramatically the dosage of the anti psychotic. My question is have any of you who are troubled by intrusive thoughts found that you need to be on quite a hefty dose of an anti psychotic before the thoughts are able to be kept in check? I have been going through menopause and my mum died late last year which are also contributing factors. I have felt bad for so long now and wonder when this hell on earth will disappear. I have taken two weeks off work as I wasn't coping and wonder if I'm ever going to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Any helpful thoughts, suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[geoff]

dear Purelight, I really hope that you are still checking your post, as unfortunately I had missed replying, but if you don't respond then BB might send you an email.

It was Amber ( AGrace) who had mentioned your post to me by email as it involves OCD, which I have had for 54 years.

You were facing an uphill battle especially if your dad has it, just as his sister as well, so the genes in the family are extremely strong.

Absolutely everything you mention I can totally relate to, because exactly the same happened with me, whether it was checking on children in their beds, doors being locked and the long list goes on, that these habits or rituals had to be done no matter what, there was no way to avoid doing them, so I can sympathise so much for what it makes you do.

I keep saying that people who don't have it can never understand why a grown person is controlled by intrusive thoughts, but it's an illness, and I wish to god that I didn't have it and I'm sure you feel the same.

I have always wanted to keep OCD as an active post, but people who write into this site never seem to want to keep it going.

Can I also mention that we can and do have continual thoughts of 'wanting to hurt someone we love', and for me it was always a thought of wanting to hurt my Mum, but I loved so dearly so this worried me, but back then I was not receiving any psychological help as it wasn't recognised as being OCD, so I had to keep all of this to myself.

I only knew of this illness when my eldest son was diagnosed with it, and when this happened I felt a great relief knowing exactly what he and I had to endue.

My twin doesn't have it nor has he ever had any sort of depression, which I am totally grateful for.

I take an SSRI which helps with depression as well as it's supposed to help with OCD, but I sometimes doubt this, because it has never stopped it, plus I don't take any anti-psychotic medication.

I take the max. dose of my SSRI, so if I want to try something else I will have to dry out which I wasn't happy with just as my doctor didn't want me to start a new drug.

I am running out of words, but I would dearly love to talk to you in regards to this. L Geoff .x

[purelight]

Hi Geoff thanks for your reply.This is the second time I've written back but unfortunately due to some glitch, my last post was scrubbed.This present ocd/depression flareup is perhaps the worst I've faced. I've never had to miss a long time off work due to such anxiety. Sometimes I feel I'll never get better but my psych says I have in the past and I will again.I am fortunate to be married to a very special person who supports me wholeheartedly and knew I had ocd/depression before we married. We have three beautiful grownup daughters who are also there for me and four grandchildren. One of our daughters has inherited the gene and has certain rituals she needs to perform. Fortunately she doesn't suffer from intrusive thoughts.Her daughter who is nearly five is also demonstrating some ocd tendancies.My hope is that sometime in the near future the experts will unlock the mystery of ocd and discover a better means of treating it and dare I say cure.Thanks again for your reply x

[geoff]

dear Purelight, thanks so much for replying.

I also have a fear that my eldest son's daughter might also have this ghastly illness,  she is only 3 next year.

May I ask are your intrusive thoughts always the same.

My wife ( ex ) never said anything to me about my OCD, maybe I was used to hiding it by the time we were married, and that's for 25 years, but when my son showed his habits they were really bad. L Geoff. x

[purelight]

Hi Geoff, yes the thoughts are always the same.( I have the thought that I want to hurt a child) This has been the same debilitating thought throughout my life. I can remember thinking this at Primary School. I have reared three children and looked after grandchildren so you can imagine how horrifying these thoughts can be. I know they are "thoughts'. I've never acted on them and ocd sufferers are told to look to their past for confirmation they are not likely to ever do anything that they fear. But then there is the thought "that perhaps you will" or "you must want to" because otherwise why would you constantly think such a thing. I have done CBT therapy before with a psychologist and found it very helpful. The psychologist I saw moved his practice to Queensland. I have met once with another psychologist from the same practice which was purely telling my story. I have my next appt. this Wednesday.I daily do Mindfulness Meditation and Worry Time and I walk whenever I can.I am able to text the psych which is great and this has been a lifeline. We are still trialling medication. I told him that it was the intrusive thoughts that were my main concern and feel that the depression would lift if they disappeared. (I know they don't disappear but I mean that I could have a more realistic grasp of them) I try to accept them as I know resistance only heightens the anxiety in relation to them. Have you got any ideas that have worked for you? purelight x

[purelight]

Hi people, I'm now concerned that because I havn't heard back from anyone that my disclosing what my intrusive thoughts were was a bad idea. I am an honest person but at times I know I give too much away.I am aware that most participants don't disclose the nature of their intrusive thoughts. I have felt more anxious today. Tomorrow I am going to see a Nutritionist that a friend suggested. Someone different who may possibly have some other suggestions up her/his sleeve. So you can see I am trying to cover as many possible imbalances as I can. In the arvo I'm seeing the psychologist for the second time.I need to get back in touch my depression has not budged and I havn't yet seen any light at the end of the tunnel.Perhaps if I wait for that "light" I might never return to work. I value any input fellow sufferers might have.

[Chloekat84]

ur not alone alone purelight. I have felt that darkness at the end if the tunnel as well. Dont feel afraid to talk to say what u feel on here. Thats what the boards are for. Im here anytime for a vent 🙂 x

[geoff]

dear Purelight, I'm so sorry that I haven't replied back to you, it's no fault of yours, it's my lack of checking.

When I had my intrusive thoughts about my Mum I would have to go up to her and start talking about anything, I had to face the situation head on.

Disclosing your own intrusive thoughts, it's alright, because this post is about OCD, so not too many reply to them, they tend to leave it to me.

When you did CBT did it stop all habits/rituals or concentrate on the major ones, I'm interested because I did a course online where the organiser rang me once a week to see how I was going, but for some reason I didn't like this happening, as she expected the world of difference in what I was doing.

It did help but when it finished I was expected to carry through with what they had told me to do, but you get lazy, so I just went back to how I was, so really it was a waste of time.

I have had it for so long 'you can't teach an old dog tricks' as the saying goes.

With your intrusive thoughts are they about someone in particular, and please don't be afraid to answer me, as the people on here know more things than anyone else knows.L Geoff. x

[purelight]

Hi Geoff, no just the thought and not for anyone in particular. x

[geoff]

dear Purelight, OK but by having this thought it has never happened, so it's only a fear that it may occur.

When I used to look at Mum while she was still alive, which actually I mean this because she wouldn't have seen the hell I have been through, but she was so loving, and I'm digressing at the moment, but I do remember going in to see her when she was in the nursing home, but fading quite quickly, and she said to me 'what's wrong darling' and I wanted her to be with me so much, and I just burst into tears, so it came to my mind, why on earth would I want to harm this helpless Mum of mine, because I love her so much.

This was actually a turning point in my intrusive thoughts, so now I have overcome thinking like this.

Depression can come with OCD for those that have it, I certainly had it and now you have it, but as far as I'm concerned you can't get rid of both together, so you need help with your depression first of all, so then you will be able to tackle this awful illness.

I do also know that once your depression has gone, and no one knows how long this will be, but when you try and stop some habits/rituals you may get a bit of depression again, but this is much easier to overcome, because your mind will be clearer.

I am enjoying talking to you so much about this. L Geoff. x