Infertility & Depression

[ellec]

Hello, my name’s Elle and I guess I’m just looking for a little bit of extra support. I’m quite involved in my local church and lead a group of adults 25-35. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 7 years. There’s been a lot of set backs in this process, particularly during Covid.

During the past few years of this process I think I’ve been quite resilient. Smiling as people share their pregnancy news with me, going to baby showers being ok because my faith has been high and surely it will be my turn soon. 

I guess this has really changed in the last 12 months. A lot of the group that we lead are our friends and in the last 12 months - more and more are becoming pregnant after not a lot of trying. 

This last month though, has broken me completely. A very good friend opened up to me about how she had been trying for 6 months, and while her journey isn’t necessarily classified as infertility, it started to feeling like maybe she gets it even just a little bit. Anyway she bought up in conversation how a friend of hers broke the news to her that she was pregnant and how she didn’t take it too well and we started talking about how we’d both want to share the news. Anyway silly ignorant me, because a month later - guess who comes over to let me know she’s pregnant. This was 4 weeks ago, when she left I completely broke. She then said something which I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt of not actually realising what she said which was - “you guys plan to split to small group, if you guys take the married/young families group it’s going to be a bunch of guys cause all the ladies are mums so they’ll be in the mum’s group.” 

I had already felt like I’m so completely behind in life, and this was such an insecurity of mine. It took everything in me not break.

I was starting to come out of the hole last week, to then see her pregnancy announcement on social media.

Which again completely triggered and broke me. I am so happy for her but so so sad for me. On top of this I’ve been thinking of cutting back my hours at work and had someone in mind to take over my role. Fast forward to yesterday, and lo and behold, another pregnancy announcement.

I’m in counselling and she very much wants me to remove myself from situations but it’s also so hard, as I see all these people multiple times a week. I’m also overthinking is this teary state I’ve been in for the past four weeks is passing or something more serious.

Anyway if you read this thanks for getting this far and being a safe place to vent without judgement. I’m sure when I read back on this in a better headspace, I’ll probably sound like a jerk 😅 

[therising]

Hi ellec

In no way do you sound like a jerk, not at all. How you feel is completely understandable and I feel for you so deeply as you struggle so much through what sounds like such a heartbreaking time in your life.

While I can't completely relate to the struggle to become pregnant, I can relate to a state of consciousness that can feel like pretty much every woman in sight is pregnant. In between my 2 kids, who are now 18 and almost 21, I became super conscious of the amount of women who weren't just pregnant but happily so and it was incredibly triggering. This was based on the fact that by the time my daughter had turned 2, I was up for another child and not every pregnancy I experienced was successful before my son was born. Sounds horrible but I resented pregnant women while things weren't working out. I didn't wish them ill, I just resented them.

'States of consciousness' are weird things. They can shift constantly and depending what state we're in (what we're fully conscious of at any given time) it can mess with us in a number of ways. It's like if you were to begin interacting a lot with women who struggled to become pregnant or had the experience of trying for 10 years or so with eventual success, you'd become fully conscious of the amount of women who do actually struggle with becoming pregnant. Same with if you interacted with women who found surrogates or adopted, you'd be amazed by the amount of women who you're suddenly conscious of, as they went on to share their experiences with you and you with them.

Shifting states of consciousness/awareness is not an easy thing to do at times, that's for sure. I learned over the years that it can come easier if you know what state you want to shift into. For example, if you want to become more conscious of many women who've managed success in pregnancy after tying for so many years, could be something worth researching. Certain physical challenges, mental ones and even soulful ones could be worth a look. Did they change anything in life that led to their success? Did they find any resources themselves that made some difference to them? Btw, sounds like your friend's consciousness has shifted, therefor in another state she may not be as conscious of what she says to you. I think if we stay in a particular state for too long, it has the potential to become depressing and that's something that can be felt on such a deep and soulful level. ❤️