Afraid of never getting better

[Alel]

I'm still 2 weeks into my new medication. I still haven't seen a psychologist and I know I need to. But I'm so scared for some reason. 

I'm also afraid that no matter how much I go to therapy, or I take care of my mental and physical health or how much coping mechanisms and healthy practices I adapt into my life, I'll always feel like there is smth wrong. Smth is off. I will always feel shitty.

Why am so afraid of trying? I feel so different from everyone around me. I can barely understand myself, I doubt anyone can understand me.

I made another post on here about all the things I still need to overcome, but I'm so scared of doing it alone, but also afraid of going to see a psychologist. 

I only saw a psychiatrist once so far and will see them in the future as well. But I never know what to say, how to act, what to do. Why is it so hard? Shouldn't I feel relieved to talk about all this after keeping it all in? 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

firstly, it's ok to be afraid and to be honest, I while I was not afraid of going to the first one, I was a little scared after it. That was about 4+ years ago now. Here are some things I have figured out ...

• they are human also and want to help
• they can be nervous meeting you for the first time
• they will also have training to help you understand yourself

I will also say i am not cured either. Sometimes she/they will lead the conversation and other times I will start off. And from there go down that rabbit hole of conversation and discovery. Recently we have been doing schema therapy for some deeply ingrained beliefs. And today it was about "why i can't get angry'. (it's a long story)

why you might think it is hard, and scared to do it alone... well, the psych is there to walk with you (or at least that is how I think of it) so perhaps not really alone. But it can also be scary (?) to find out what you discover about yourself. And then I see that as a puzzle to be solved because I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life, and my kids and wife deserve to have me around as well. 

And you have started talking here also. And here we are in conversation. 

Listening...

[louies]

Hi Alel  

My name is Riss

I just read your message and I have to say it really resonated with me. You see I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm about to go to hospital to change my medication. As my current one has stopped working and my anxiety is through the roof. I to am  afraid that I won't get better and the   constant feeling of dread and panic won't go away, and yet im living proff that we will get there. Every time this has happened to me the meds stop working I ween off and get put on somthing ells and I get better. Yet I still doubt the process. I have never been to hospital before and I'm very afraid but deep down inside I know that in a few weeks I will be on the mend again. Just remember meds take time to work and when they do the sun will shine again xx

[blondguy]

Hey Alel (and Riss too)

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for being a part of the Beyond Blue family too

Smallwolf's is spot on with her post. I felt the same way when my anxiety levels were awful. 

Some people cant afford a psychologist/therapist to begin with. I hope you or anyone reading your helpful post can make an appointment (or a double appointment) with your GP as they have a better understanding about anxiety nowadays than when I trying to get help in the early 1980's with my chronic anxiety.

Monthly counselling is always a bonus

Fortnightly....better again

When we cry in front of our counsellor/therapist the real healing begins

Just from my own experience....If our anxiety begins to have a detrimental effect on our ability to function on day to day basis....then seeking a GP regularly is a good idea.

Good on you for having the courage to post Alel

Please be gentle with yourself...you deserve it

Paul

[Alel]

Does anyone have over focused depression and anxiety?

What was your experience? 

Were you able to overcome it? How? 

[Alel]

I don't know what happened, but around last year, smth just switched.

I stopped being able to do things and over time it got worse.

Around August, I got severe anxiety and depression. Started taking medication, which didn't work quite well so now I'm taking new ones. I'm only 2 weeks into the new ones. 

I have stomach pain ALL over my right side and back pain, which is scaring me bc I'm scared of having appendicitis or kidney stones.

My sister is sick and I'm afraid of getting sick. 

I haven't taken a shower in like 2 weeks because I'm afraid of fainting. 

I haven't exercised or walked because I'm afraid itll make me vomit. 

I'm so ashamed of being so out of shape and having no discipline what so ever.

I just find it weird as to why all this is happening. Last year I did jump rope for 6 months straight. I used go walking for 1 or 2 hours everyday. I used to exercise, vomit everyday and still go the next day. I used to be able to take showers 3 times a week. 

And now I can't do anything. It's not like smth happened for this to happen. I just stopped going to school because I lost interest and I stayed locked at home, sitting on my phone for 12 hours a day. 

Any slight physical or mental or emotional sensations, make me panic. The smallest things in the world make me panic. 

EVERYTHING IS TRIGGERING!

Food, weather, tasks, words, thoughts, reading, videos, games, everything.

The only thing that makes me happy, is eating yogurt at 7pm everyday. I just wait for that to come and then I realise I did nothing to fight my anxiety and depression, so I wasted the whole day. 

[Alel]

I spend everyday keeping note of every little thing I feel.

Dizziness, nausea, sore throat, stomach pain, diarrhea, constipation, gas, fatigue, sleepiness, headache, tingling, ect ect. 

Everytime I feel a little smth, I panic. What if I vomit? What if I faint? What if there is smth really wrong and I need to go to the hospital? What if im dying? 

It just never ends. I just feel like sitting down the whole day and never moving so I can feel nothing. 

But then my psychiatrist tells me I can't, that I need to move and get into the habit of doing things. 

But I can't. Those sensations and feelings just terrify me. Even if I'm taking medication. 

I'm still so afraid. 

[Alel]

TW

I keep seeing things about therapists or psychiatrists taking their life and I think, if people who are professionally made for fighting and helping people with mental health, and they couldn't make it, how am I? 

Even people who were doing so well, who have such a good life, who worked on their mental health for years. Then, they just take their life. 

How am I going to grow old and die healthy, when others who are stronger than me, can't? 

I apologise if this triggered anyone. I hope that no one ever dies again unless happily. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Alel

I bet there are a whole bunch of doctors, therapists & psychiatrists, & all sorts of people workeing very stressful jobs who you are not seeing living long lives, some healthy, some maybe not so healthy. If people in high-risk careers are able to access support for themselves, even while continuing to work, they can do it.

I wonder how many of us made attempts when we were young, only to be here now, decades later, on BB, maybe still having difficulties, maybe reaching out to help someone else, because that is the most powerful & healthiest thing we can do?

For me, it has been almost 50 years since that day... lots of time, eh? I'm not in tip-top shape, but I'm here, & I am feeling better about being here than I have felt about being anywhere.

It saddens me to think of those who don't feel they can reach out for support, those who go under ... but I fully expect my Psychiatrist to seek help for himself should he need it. It's his responsibility to do that. If he doesn't see a problem arising in him, I expect his colleague to notice &, in no uncertain terms, tell him.

But, I know this now.

When I was seeing someone else, I think, who was having problems of some sort, I might now try to reach out to either colleagues, or to their regulatory body, (various professions have their own), to see if they can have a talk & find out if they need help.

If I had, I don't suppose he'd have thanked me for it ... but if they had to seek help for themselves, then I could live with that.

I have no answers for why some people who seem to have it all, continue to struggle & perhaps lose the fight. There may things going on for them which we know nothing of. 

When it comes to mental health it isn't so much about having a good job, big home, social status, or even money, though having some is useful. Being unemployed is certainly going to make accessing mental health services more difficult. Where people live, too, makes accessing services more difficult.

Other factors are family & social supports, if you have them or if you don't. Isolation is a problem.

& there's culture...

I mean, there are many reasons why it may be some feel unable to go on. & many reasons people do go on. I go on simply because I don't feel that way anymore.

I guess, you are going to grow old & healthy(ish), by putting a lot of effort into doing so.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Aussie.Girl]

I'm sorry to hear how much you are struggling at the moment. 

Please try to be kind to yourself and realise that while you may feel like you are doing nothing, this is not the case. You are trying your best to get better and that is enough.

Anxiety and depression are hard mentally and physically, and you need to allow yourself to rest - don't push yourself too hard.

You don't need a reason for struggling. Sometimes there is no trigger. You're allowed to be upset. It's ok to feel exhausted and emotional even if you don't know why. 

You mentioned that you are trialing medication and that you have pain in your abdomen. If you haven't already I would discuss your symptoms with a GP to ensure everything is ok and the pain is not an unwanted side effect. 

In terms of showering, could you try a bath instead? If not, try sitting down in the shower. Or you could try using a new fancy soap to add some interest. 

If even that seems too hard try to just rinse your body quickly and run some dry shampoo through your hair. 

As for the exercise and other things you've mentioned, my advice would be to make little changes to try and slowly get back to where you'd like to be. So instead of walking for an hour or two just go to the letterbox or around the block. You could even just walk on the spot in your room if that's all you can manage. 

To put it simply, try to find ways to simplify or change the things you need to do to make them easier for yourself. Doing one tiny thing might not seem like much, but hopefully you can build on it over time and get back to some version of 'normal' soon.

Sorry if this advice doesn't make much sense.

Please know that there are people that care about you and want you to feel better. I know this probably sounds like a cliche but things will get easier so hang in there and try to stay positive.