Increasing anxiety over relationship struggling...

[Beltane]

Not sure if this should be in the anxiety or relationships forum but here goes...

lI've been with my partner now for almost 18 months and we,Ve been through a  lot together- hes been here for me through my battles with bipolar, depression, anxiety. I was unemployed for many months and he supported us financially. Now I'm back on my feet, have a job and well...

we've been having problems for many months now and at first I thought it was the stress of me being sick and unemployed. Then I thought he was depressed, though he vehemently denies it and shows no real symptoms other than disinterest in anything, now I dont know what to think.

i guess I'm a bit of a hippy, I love Tiny Houses an want to build one in the country and be environmentally friendly. I love nature, I'm very much a person who's just full of enegy, even after a day of work, and just want to enjoy the world and all it has to offer. 

I love music and am always learning new instruments, I sew lovely things like quilts, I dance, I sing. I talk constantly of living I the tiny home, and because tiny homes are cheap to buy and upkeep, it'll give me lots of free money to travel the world. Id happily live life without tv and I only facebook because I.m lonely. I want my life to be filled with nature, music, love, and enjoying life.

he on the other hand seems to only work a nd then go to the gym and watch movies, he doesn't like nature or music, he doesn't shar my values of living life to its fullest, he wants a normal home with a mortgage. The thought of living the life we live now forever feels me with deep fear. I'm 27 and we're starting to talk about marriage....

I've had numerous talks with him asking for change over the past few months, which he promises, and he might try a little but soon resorts to old ways. Tonight I broke down Como,erect and said "we're in trouble". He promised me we'd spend tonight cuddling and discussing our future, finding compromises and solutions to our differences.

then he got on Facebook and watched a movie, despite my reminder of his promise. i cried alone.

i don't think I can save this relationship, I'm not even sure I want to!

yet the thought of leaving him causes HUGE anxiety, terrible nightmares. I've put my bipolar meds dose up twice with doctors OK, and yet my bipolar moods and anxiety are going NUTS. I have a brand new job after a long time unemployed, I can NOT afford this kind of stress right now, I can NOT afford my illness to flare either!! Help!

[Pixie15]

Hi Beltane, 

Sounds like a great result for you both.

I did weep a tear of joy for you both when I read your post.

Grateful.

[Beltane]

Yes, a very emotional night. But I feel about 30kgs lighter, like I was carrying around this anvil of fear and resentment and it's all gone.

i guess we were sad it took so long to get to this point of really talking but neither of us quite realised what the issues were. You know I was trying to reconnect and be romantic so nagging him to stay home and spend with me, knowing it wasn't working.

i cried so much last night, mostly out of happiness. When he started talking about his dream of being an athlete and how much it was destroying him to think he'd have to choose between that and me..

but you should have seen him, the way his face lit up, he was just talking and talking about this dream and I was crying with joy to see him so happy, I haven't seen him that happy in a long time.

he was feeling the same thing about me, he said it'd been destroying him to see me so unhappy and not know how to fix it; that he loved me so much it was really hurting him and making him depressed.

hes my best friend in this world and I love him like crazy, and last night I fell in love with him all over again, because last night was the first time I a long time that I saw the man I love again- happy, joyful, excited, full of life and talk.

he said the same thing of me, he said he'd never seen me so happy as last night when I was talking about my music and dance passion.

so last night I very much felt the "spark" cone back.

tinight Im buying some whiteboards- one for his goals, one for mine, and a joint calendar/ goals board. So we can see what each other is up to, schedule "us time". Our personal goal boards will keep us motuvated on our own stuff.

it was just so nice seeing him happy again, I feel like I've been living with a shadow of his real self, and that's how he felt with me. We knew we loved the real each other back when we each chased our own dreams- I fell in love with his passion and dedication dor Crossfit abd he fell in love with my passion for my music and dance. It was when we moved in and started trying to be what we thought the other wanted.

i love him like crazy so I'm really looking furward to seeing how this plays out. I'm dedicated to encouraging and supporting his dreams this time, making sure he's eating right and training etc.

im so in love with my boyfriend 🙂

[Neil_1]

Hi there Beltane

Absolutely AWESOME news.   I couldn’t be more happier for you – these last couple of posts from you have been not only brilliant to read for how they turned out for you and your man, but also you’ve described it so well, so for others who might be feeling the way you felt, it might just give a person out there a possible helping hand to try and move their own relationship to a better level.

Cheers

Neil

[jjpapaik]

HI Beltane, 

just wanted to follow up and see how things are doing, did things work out after your big chat? 

I am having similar relationship issues which relate back to my anxiety. I might make a post, as i would love some advice from people who may have been through the same things could help with. 

Cheers
Jen

[Beltane]

Well... its mixed. We came up with the idea of scheduled date days, which is good. We've had a couple of really nice date days so far. But they're only really once a week- we have another date night on Fridays but we're both often too tired from the weeks work to really enjoy it. So I'm feeling very much like the core of our relationship revolves around Sundays.

Every other night (apart from Friday) hes doing his thing (the gym) and i'm doing mine. Most of the time i go to the gym too. Its not that i don't like it; i do.. i just have so many other passions that mean more to me than the gym. I feel like we lead very separate lives. I also feel starved of affection, attention and appreciation. If i don't cook dinner, we eat expensive take away (whats the point of going to the gym so often to eat takeaway). But "he doesn't like to cook" so therefore he doesn't cook. Never mind if i like to cook or not. Same goes for the other household chores- cleaning, laundry, etc etc.... He doesn't like doing them so for the 18 months we've been together he's simply not done them. I've tried so often to let him know how important a relatively clean home is to me.... And how frustrating it is to just be taken for granted, as if the laundry and cooking just magically gets done!

I feel constantly as if, and i know this sounds melodramatic and silly, but honestly, i often feel as if i love him far more than he loves me. Sometimes i look myself in the mirror and i don't even know who i am... i have all these ideas, dreams, goals, values, morals, beliefs etc that he doesn't share. They far outnumber the ones we do share. It's really really hard on me to not share so much with him, and i feel often isolated and alone. I'm trying to make friends that share these things, but its kinda making it worse, cos i come home all excited from my adventures with my friends, wanting to share all my stories, but hes not interested in hearing them- sometimes he downright looks at me weird and goes "i cant believe you're into that...."

And yet I love him, and he does love me. He's been my loyal, true friend and stuck by me when no-one else did. We have a lot of fun together (on the days he's not busy at the gym), and i love the little things about our relationship, the inside jokes, the shared humour, the shared memories of life so far, and the things we do share.

So overall i'm in a really confused and lost place, feeling very very alone, as if i have noone to talk to.

[HelenM]

Hi Beltane

Your post remind me of my situation with my ex husband. It wasn't identical but I'll tell you the gist.

I felt (and I think it was true) that I loved him more than he loved me. He was a very hands on person in the house but gave me a very hard time for not doing enough and was often 'disappointed' in me (I guess that's different). My interests, the essential me is very different to him - he is into success, I'm romantic and wanted love (that was a Massive problem). What I longed for but he would Never have agreed to (the shame) was buying a small flat (we could have afforded it) for me - nearby. I actually think it could have worked. However in the end I left him (shock to him and his family - it was an 'honour' to be married into their family).  I left because I didn't feel loved and I think my fragile mental health was suffering.

Whilst my idea of living separately is perhaps not possible for you and may sound crazy, I do think for some it could be a way forward.

Just a thought

Helen x

Ps. I am downwardly mobile. I live in a council house.I'm married to a man who has health problems. We don't have a car. We live on benefits We can't afford to go abroad for holidays. The list goes on. But when my mental health is good I know a peace that I hadn't known before.

[Doolhof]

Hi Beltane and Jen,

As I have mentioned previously in different posts, relationships can be difficult at times.

A little about my journey with my husband: we can be totally different people with such opposite ideas and values concerning all matters in life.

I believe in God and try to live a Christian life, he believes in Aliens. I love the country, he loves cities. He loves spicy food, but I would prefer a salad and a steak. I love the beach and he hates the sand, the ocean and especially the seaweed. I enjoy being with family and friends, but he doesn't so much. Etc, etc, etc.

End of last year was a tough time where we both had a bit of a screaming match, said all  kinds of harsh things to each other and I ended up having a mini breakdown...if there is such a thing as a mini breakdown!

We don't agree on a lot of things, we love each other in our own way, accept each others differences and realise we can't live with out each other.

My husband does a lot of his own thing and so do I. When we get together and have quality time , it is great. I have realised my husband can not be the person I expect him to be as it just is not in his character and make up, and I more than likely am not the person he desires me to be either.

There are lots of needs my husband can not meet for me and vice versa, so we search for those things elsewhere. I too would like more affection, attention and warmth from my husband. Instead I find it in friendships with others. Certainly not intimate relationships, as that would just be wrong and cause too many problems.

I have learnt that I need to try to meet my own needs how ever I can without causing others any harm.

I hope this has helped you realise if your partner can not be everything you want them to be, it doesn't matter. If you love them, that should be enough.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Beltane]

I'm honestly starting to get infuriated with him to the point that I no longer trust him anymore. I cannot rely on him always. I know no one is perfect and I know that it's not everything but..

im not coping. I'm not happy. I constantly want change and I feel that's deeply unfair: he is who he is and while he should grow, I shouldn't expect him to change. 

he won't help with *any* of the housework despite his constant promises to change. I feel like he's not really listening, or if he is he's just not caring. He often throws my complaints back in my face: I'll say Im feeling unappreciated and he'll make me feel horrible for saying it "how can you say that". I say it because it's how I feel! I'll say "we're in trouble" and he'll say "no we're fine". Argh!! Why won't he listen? Why does he promise to help around the house and then not? If we can't manage to care for our bedroom (we live with his parents) how can we manage with our own home and children?

i need him to start proving that he can be relied upon. That when he says "yes let's live on a budget of $$$$" that he doesn't then break it AGAIN. When he says he'll help around the house he doesn't then break that promise.

How about when we nearly break up and then agree to save our relationship by dedicating one night and one day a week to each other, and then he proceeds to do the same old ****. Facebooking, not responding to my reminders it's date night, falling asleep 20 minutes into our "date night".

you gotta understand, these are the two times of the week we've agreed to spend together knowing the other 5 we're very much doing our own thing. 

Im sick of people telling me to stick it out, that reiationships aren't perfect, that it's my anxiety, that it's ME and MY fault for somehow. Where is he in this? Why is noone saying "oh hey, maybe he is taking you for granted, maybe he should be trying harder". 

i end up questioning my very sanity, my very ability to reason and understand what's true. Like.. Hang on. Am I being unfair? Am I being unrealistic? Is this what normal happy relationships are like? And even if they are, do I have to just put up with it just cos other people do?

isnt there something more to life than this? Being with someone who's totally happy to lead seperate loves most of the week, and then sleeps through the times he agreed to siend with me, as if I'm a chore! Isn't there more than this? Don't I deserve more?!!

What do I do?!

[Pixie15]

Hi Beltane,

Yes if this is how he is treating you it does sound like you deserve more. "Rosie Batty" has been involved in developing an "App" which has resources for young women for assessing if you have appropriate expectations for their relationship. I have been having a look at it and even an oldie like me can be inspired by it. 

If your partner is going out every night and exercising himself to exhaustion this seems like somewhat excessive behavior. Is it possible that he is using his exercise to drown out or avoid facing his own ability to cope in some way? Is becoming an elite sportsperson a realistic goal for your partner to have?

It is your choice to continue in the relationship or not. If you both have made an attempt to change and can not reconcile to each others life choices it might be time to move on. It is probably better to do that before you get caught up in having children or buying houses. There is more than one "perfect" person for all of us. 

Hope your okay today.

Grateful.

[Doolhof]

Hi Beltane,

It does sound like you just about had enough. Maybe it is time for you to decide if you are going to stay or leave.

Is it possible for you to move out for a while so you have the chance to really decide which way you want to go?

If it is to be a permanent arrangement, then please work out your finances and take anything that is valuable to you when you do leave.

If necessary have  a friend there with you when you leave. I don't know how your boyfriend or yourself will react if it does come to the relationship ending for good.

When I told my husband end of last year that I wanted a divorce, things changed for the better for both of us. He decided he could no longer take it for granted that I would always be here!

For us, staying together has worked out.

For you, that may not be the right thing. Only you know the answer and I think you have come to a time when you need to find out one way or another if you will stay or go totally.

You may want to separate for a while or make a clean break.

Either way, make sure you have the support you need to help back you up if you need it.

Thinking of you and hoping you can make a clear decision as to which way you want to and need to go.

With best wishes for your future, from Mrs. Dools