Increasing anxiety over relationship struggling...

[Beltane]

Not sure if this should be in the anxiety or relationships forum but here goes...

lI've been with my partner now for almost 18 months and we,Ve been through a  lot together- hes been here for me through my battles with bipolar, depression, anxiety. I was unemployed for many months and he supported us financially. Now I'm back on my feet, have a job and well...

we've been having problems for many months now and at first I thought it was the stress of me being sick and unemployed. Then I thought he was depressed, though he vehemently denies it and shows no real symptoms other than disinterest in anything, now I dont know what to think.

i guess I'm a bit of a hippy, I love Tiny Houses an want to build one in the country and be environmentally friendly. I love nature, I'm very much a person who's just full of enegy, even after a day of work, and just want to enjoy the world and all it has to offer. 

I love music and am always learning new instruments, I sew lovely things like quilts, I dance, I sing. I talk constantly of living I the tiny home, and because tiny homes are cheap to buy and upkeep, it'll give me lots of free money to travel the world. Id happily live life without tv and I only facebook because I.m lonely. I want my life to be filled with nature, music, love, and enjoying life.

he on the other hand seems to only work a nd then go to the gym and watch movies, he doesn't like nature or music, he doesn't shar my values of living life to its fullest, he wants a normal home with a mortgage. The thought of living the life we live now forever feels me with deep fear. I'm 27 and we're starting to talk about marriage....

I've had numerous talks with him asking for change over the past few months, which he promises, and he might try a little but soon resorts to old ways. Tonight I broke down Como,erect and said "we're in trouble". He promised me we'd spend tonight cuddling and discussing our future, finding compromises and solutions to our differences.

then he got on Facebook and watched a movie, despite my reminder of his promise. i cried alone.

i don't think I can save this relationship, I'm not even sure I want to!

yet the thought of leaving him causes HUGE anxiety, terrible nightmares. I've put my bipolar meds dose up twice with doctors OK, and yet my bipolar moods and anxiety are going NUTS. I have a brand new job after a long time unemployed, I can NOT afford this kind of stress right now, I can NOT afford my illness to flare either!! Help!

[Pixie15]

Hi Beltane,

From what you have posted here it looks like you may have hit the panic button.

The economist in me knows that the problem with life in general is that every time we choose to do one thing we have to give up the opportunity to do a whole lot of other things which may look more attractive especially if life for some reason gets a bit more difficult.

Do you think it might help if you try and accept the other things in your life as they are until you have settled in to your new job?

Grateful.

[white knight]

Hi Beltane,

Firstly, the marriage thoughts should be put to rest for some time. period.

Incompatibility is a huge issue, so many things you are not on the same road wit, is a big worry. Then there is the lack of respect or regard for you, that your hurt and concerns are pushed aside. Not good and totally unacceptable.

For you, you are on the right track in terms of what you want from life. As a younger man I dreamed of a little home in the country. I got there then two long term relationships later I ended up with a very compatible partner that I married and its bliss. Fully compatible. Wow, now that's something.

Picture it, small cottage with 3 dormer windows, large entertainment rotunda, dam for birds, watch the visiting koalas and echidnas, walk around the town of only 200 persons, grow your own vegies and swap (barter) with your neighbours. And we travel around to in Victoria, SA and NSW.

Dreams are meant to be fulfilled. It was nice of your man to financially support you during unemployment but it isnt right that you should feel guilt for that. Your issues arent about helping each other its about compatibility and a partner you seek that will always have your concerns above his own interests.

Beltane....you are a butterfly and its about time to spread your wings.

Tony WK

[Steven1]

Hi Beltane. Hope you are doing ok and not stressing out too much. You have been very supportive toward me and offered me lots of advice and suggestions so when I read your post I really wanted to help.

Not sure there is much I can do or say to make you feel better but here are my thoughts anyway. 🙂

It sounds like you are someone that knows what you clearly want in life. And well done to you, because a lot of people don't know what they want and wander aimlessly through and realise one day they are not happy.

You have strong values and a strong connection to nature. As you have identified, your partner doesn't share the same values. Maybe it hasn't bothered you too much up til now, but if you are now seeing it and it feels like a problem then it is. I understand that you don't want it to be one and a break up is awful to deal with, but what is the alternative? Stick with someone that you are not connected with and who doesn't value or support you? No I think you deserve better.

My advice - keep having conversations with your partner. Get him to talk to you about what he wants and find out how he sees your future together. If it doesn't fit with what you want and there are no compromises then it might be time to part ways. You are only 27 - so young and it isn't too late to find the right man and be happy together 🙂 . ... but one step at a time. Just start talking and gently bring up things that are important to you.

Try not to stress too much. Stay in touch

[Beltane]

Tony, your post made me weep a little. You are telling me things i know deep down to be true, but just cant bring myself to admit. I try to say things out loud.

I imagine noone will understand this, i dont expect anyone to. I'm a pagan, which is a nature-based religion. He is a staunch atheist who thinks religion is ridiculous. What struck a chord with me was that I am getting deeper and deeper into my spirituality. Infact lately Ive had some very spiritual experiences, and it hurt me deeply that i couldnt tell him. I tried- i said, hey i am a spiritual person, but he just looke at me funny and went on about i can believe what i want but he doesnt agree.

It hurt deeply that i couldnt share a profound spiritual experience with him. on top of our other huge differences it might be the straw that will break the camels back.

I have recently gone looking and found some very like minded friends- 2 women to be exact who have in a very short time struck a deep bond with me, we are very similar in our views, our spiritual beliefs, and even our place in life. One of them is my age but in a relationship eerily like my own, only years in advance- she has a child with him and is unable to leave easily due to financial issues. She has gotten stuck. Her life seems like a warning to me.

The problem is, my relationship isnt all bad, not like hers. He does and has always cared for me, we have fun together, i do love him. The problem is the love is becoming more and more... dependent? platonic? like i'm used to him being around and cant picture life without him... I no longer feel strong romantic or sexual desire for him... But i wish i could bring it back, i just want him to try!!!!

Steven you are totally right, i do know what i want from life, and he certainly doesnt seem to be wanting to share it. Look, i can compromise on the tiny house thing- we can live in a normal house in the country. But i cant compromise on the lack of affection, the fact that he just doesnt seem want to enjoy life. Ive tried to suss out if hes just depressed, but.. i fear this is just who he is. Someone whos happy to just.. exist... not live life loud and proud like i want.

I am terrible at relationship breakups, they have always triggered severe depressive spells (even suicidal spells), and severe anxiety. I fear i do not have the strength to leave, and with this new job i cant risk getting sick. i wonder if i'll stay forever purely cos i'm scared of the unknown and the pain of leaving.

[Pixie15]

Hi Beltane,

I know i am not probably going to write here what you want to hear right now. But I have decided to respond because some of the things people have said to me over time which have most irritated me have actually helped me.

For many years I have watched my son who was diagnosed as bipolar in his early 20's reach a point where he has some stability in his life with a partner who loves him, relatively secure work and housing only to get restless, give up his medication and jettison it all. Interestingly one of the "white rabbits" he has pursued was a tiny house however his was on the edge of a desert and not in the country. 

I am wondering if because you are seeing something of your own relationship in your friends you have jumped to the conclusion that this would have to be your future. This may be an erroneous conclusion. I am not saying that you should remain in a relationship you are not happy with. However maybe you need to be talking this out with someone you have known for a long time or a counselor if you have one.

I am sorry if I am not being helpful.

Grateful.

[Neil_1]

Dear Beltane

I’m sorry to hear of the troubles you’re experiencing.

I just wanted to chip in with a very short reply (I hear everyone laugh, as a short reply and me just do not go together, but I’m hoping to prove everyone – even me, wrong).

Your last sentence said:   “i wonder if i'll stay forever purely cos i'm scared of the unknown and the pain of leaving.”

I would LOVE for there to be a survey out in the general population and to find out the results of that very question.  I reckon that the number would very high, a huge percentage of people who are staying in relationships purely because of the unknown and the pain of leaving – and not to mention that if there are kids involved, there is no split either due to children.

That ‘could’ be why I’ve heard so many instances where when the kids have left the nest, that the parents do split up.

Post is over – not that short, but much shorter than what I normally produce.

Neil

[Beltane]

I'll be honest, i'm getting more and more agitated.

I feel like I'm screaming for change but hes not hearing it. This has been going on for months, not weeks. I've cried, ive pleaded, i've yelled (maybe not the best tactic), i'ev sat him down at the table numerous times and poured out my heart.

Ive tried to talk to him about whether hes just depressed but he denies it. Ive begged him to consider changing jobs, as every single day its the same. Me: how was work?" Him: (swears). While he technically should work a 40 hour week his boss overworks him. Legally he can turn it down, of course he can turn down saturday work but he only does if theres something he wants to do. Ive begged him to turn a day down to spend a day with me but he "can't", yet quite easily turns them down for his things.

So thats our week. Monday- Friday he gets home, his communication to me about his day is literally one swear word, he rarely asks about mine and if i contribute it the conversation is stilted "oh that sounds nice". End conversation. Then he flakes in front of the tv and facebooks. I'll ask him for a cuddle and he'll wrap one arm around me, his attention still on the facebook or tv screen.

Sometimes i want to hurl that phone against a wall and say "your life is sitting right next to you on the couch, not on that facebook screen". Usually i say that, without the hurling of the phone.

We missed yet another event the other night, third one in a row. he'd promised to go, then fallen asleep with an alarm set in time to get ready. Then wakes up going 'i'm coming, give me a minute". by the time i realise hes not going to come, its too late for me to get there on the own. Ive missed my last 3 family get togethers because i was waiting for him to get ready and realised he wasnt.


I cant take this anymore. Ive burst into tears multiple times this weekend. 4 nights in a row he promised hed try to give me a romantic night, it didnt happen. Last night was supposed to be, we got a cool movie, some nice drinks and food. Then he got on his phone and facebooked.

The lack of affection has killed my desire for him. I no longer wish to have sex, because without any affection and romance i just cant get in the mood.

I've decided to live my life- make new friends, get new hobbies of my own, tackle all lifes beautiful things. Concentrate on my new job also. Either he will wake up and start living life too. Or we'll realise our life paths have gone 2 seperate ways.

I think thats where we're at.

[Doolhof]

Dear Beltane,

Please look after yourself and find all the help and assistance you need at this troubling time to help you through.

Be very aware of how you are coping regarding your anxiety and bipolar. You do not want these health issues to exculpate beyond what is controllable for you.

Your situation sounds very similar to where I was end of last year, beginning of this year. I told my husband I wanted a divorce and I was going to leave if things didn't change.

Things have changed a little, but I am still unsure if I have done the right thing by staying and not leaving.

I am free within our relationship to experience my own spirituality, I do a lot of things I enjoy when I find the time to do them, and my husband does try to spend quality time with me now and then.

What ever you decide, think about it calmly and clearly and do all you can to ensure you have no regrets after your decision.

Please take care, keep safe and call out to people when you need help. Remember the lifelines that are available to you and use them.

We are all here for you, ready to listen, to offer help and suggestions and to just acknowledge what you are going through.

All the best to you, from Mrs. Dools

[HelenM]

Dear Beltane,

It does seem that you and your partner have very different views of the future and of what makes a good relationship.

Take your time before making a decision. Talk to different people, those you think will agree and those you suspect won't. It may help if you find fulfillment amongst friends etc whilst in the relationship.

In time you will work out what is best. Just don't go with a knee jerk reaction.

Take care, Helen x