Increasing anxiety over relationship struggling...

[Beltane]

Not sure if this should be in the anxiety or relationships forum but here goes...

lI've been with my partner now for almost 18 months and we,Ve been through a  lot together- hes been here for me through my battles with bipolar, depression, anxiety. I was unemployed for many months and he supported us financially. Now I'm back on my feet, have a job and well...

we've been having problems for many months now and at first I thought it was the stress of me being sick and unemployed. Then I thought he was depressed, though he vehemently denies it and shows no real symptoms other than disinterest in anything, now I dont know what to think.

i guess I'm a bit of a hippy, I love Tiny Houses an want to build one in the country and be environmentally friendly. I love nature, I'm very much a person who's just full of enegy, even after a day of work, and just want to enjoy the world and all it has to offer. 

I love music and am always learning new instruments, I sew lovely things like quilts, I dance, I sing. I talk constantly of living I the tiny home, and because tiny homes are cheap to buy and upkeep, it'll give me lots of free money to travel the world. Id happily live life without tv and I only facebook because I.m lonely. I want my life to be filled with nature, music, love, and enjoying life.

he on the other hand seems to only work a nd then go to the gym and watch movies, he doesn't like nature or music, he doesn't shar my values of living life to its fullest, he wants a normal home with a mortgage. The thought of living the life we live now forever feels me with deep fear. I'm 27 and we're starting to talk about marriage....

I've had numerous talks with him asking for change over the past few months, which he promises, and he might try a little but soon resorts to old ways. Tonight I broke down Como,erect and said "we're in trouble". He promised me we'd spend tonight cuddling and discussing our future, finding compromises and solutions to our differences.

then he got on Facebook and watched a movie, despite my reminder of his promise. i cried alone.

i don't think I can save this relationship, I'm not even sure I want to!

yet the thought of leaving him causes HUGE anxiety, terrible nightmares. I've put my bipolar meds dose up twice with doctors OK, and yet my bipolar moods and anxiety are going NUTS. I have a brand new job after a long time unemployed, I can NOT afford this kind of stress right now, I can NOT afford my illness to flare either!! Help!

[Beltane]

We nearly broke up again last night.

he had slept through yet another date day, he also slept through our Friday date days.

i talked about how he was at the gym- happy. I told him that I went to the gym because I loved the look on his face when I lifted a heavy weight or did some stunt of athleticism. The way his eyes light up, the big grin, how he'll brag  about his "awesome girlfriend" on facebook. I told him that if only he ever did that with anything else that I do- my music, sewing, dancing etc- we would never be having these awful "should we break up conversations".

but that's not him, he's not a romantic person by nature. 

Its funny, we were at a party Saturday night and I was bored out of my mind. All night he was kissing and cuddling me, holding my hand. I said, if he was affectionate and romantic like that just a little more often, again, we wouldn't be nearly breaking up.

he said that he was affectionate and romantic because he knew how bored I was and felt guilty that he was having fun and I was bored. He said that I deserved someone who was like that genuinely.

he said he constantly felt guilty because he was never going to be able to appreciate my music and sewing and things the way he thinks that I should. He says, I'm constantly unhappy and its destroying him to be the cause of it.

but still, he says he loves me like crazy and still wants it to work, though he no longer knows how it will. I suggested couples counselling but he didn't want to do that.

and I still love him like crazy. I'm in agony and torture, like im constantly grieving. I'm always thinking, is this the last night? The last weekend together? The last time we have sex, the last time I hear him call me by my nickname?

im seeing a psychologist weekly during this time but all the same... 

I can't bear the idea of us breaking up. I don't understand how we can love each other so much and have made it through so much, and yet still break up. It is literally beyond my ability to understand that concept. 

So I'm forced to believe that because we love each other there MUST be a way, there MUST! And my belief that there is Id the reason we are still together, still trying.

hes said he knows he needs to make chances; help around the house more etc. He says he will one day. I asked, why not today? Those little things could save us! 

Im not asking for the world. A little affection, a little adventure, a little help around the house and Id be the happiest girl in the world

[Pixie15]

Hi Beltane,

Good to hear from you again. Sorry your still struggling. Not sure I know what to say. What I am doing in my relationship is just taking it one day at a time. Concentrating on my own goals. There was a book which was popular years ago "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Not sure that men and women can ever live together in perfect harmony.

cheers,

Grateful.

[HA1]

Beltane - r u OK?

[Beltane]

Im ok, though the situation remains the same.

Im seeing a counsellor regularly- at least weekly. We are currently discussing my attachment and insecurity issues, as she believes (and I agree) that I have an insecure anxious attachment to both of my parents and only ever receive conditional love; and my relationship is the same. I think I'm mainly staying for the security/ safety, and because I fear the pain and long recovery of a broken heart if I leave.

im continuing to build up support networks and hobbies outsude of the relationship. I've joined a music group that plays 2-3 times a week in pubs (the fact I can do this is a testament to how much I've recovered from my anxiety), Ive made some new friends and found some other hobby/ meetup groups that share my interests. I am currently investigating my options pf where I'll live of the relationship ends, as I live with the boyfriend.

deep down I believe that there is no chance we will make it. He repeatedly tells me that he simply wants to work, sleep/ rest in front of he tv, and go to the gym. He bitterly talks about famous weight lifters and athletes and how theyre careers were "ruined" by their wives who "made them cut down their training to spend time at home with their family".

i thought that was a very telling insight into his thinking and personality. He couldn't understand that a fully grown up athlete might choose pf his own accord to cut down on his training to spend more time with his family/ wife/ children. He just bitterly talks about how these athletes "have so much potential to be better if they're wices hadnt made them cut down their training".

its very painful to think he sees me that way- as some sort of weight dragging him down. And yet we've gad 2-3 very serious discussions about breaking up now, and each time he's burst into tears and said he loves my like crazy and wants it to work. I have asked if he's sure, he insists he is. He insists we'll both "keep trying".

so I asked how exactly we're going to try. What exactly are we going to do differently? He refuses to see a counsellor, by himself or as couples counselling. He has no ideas for strategies. He keeps missing out Date nights (by sleeping through thdm as "he's tired" yet he'll set alarms to wake up and go to the gym.

he still hasn't come to watch me play in my music group, and so missed me performing by myself (a huge accomplishment)- he missed it as he wanted to stay home and rest so he could get up early for the gym.

[HA1]

Hi Beltane

I am very happy to hear that you are doing OK despite the continuing relationship issues.  But it sounds like you are gradually coming to a conclusion ...  ("Conditional love" - I know this very well. )

It is wonderful how busy you are able to keep yourself.  And the muso group, wow!!  What type of music do you play - in the group and when you do solo?  Tell you what, I think you are amazing for having the strength to do all this 🙂  To play solo is fantastic - did you enjoy the experience? 

I keep a pretty low profile on the forum these days, but it is wonderful to her back from you.  I continue to go through a very similar experience, but am nearing the day ...  We both know what I need, it is hard though to get to to the day that we actually break the shackles.

Keep in touch Beltane.

K

[Neil_1]

Hi there Beltane,

Long time reader, first time poster (or perhaps, it’s my 2nd time?).

Ok, I’m no pro athlete, but I do go to the gym 6 days a week, with the sole purpose to trying to pack on as much muscle I can on this ageing body.  At home, I have a partner, two wonderful children and a whole plethora of animals, but for them, I’ve never cut down my workouts (or short-changed myself in the gym).  Once or twice, I’ve had to shorten a session as there’s been ‘some appointment’ or ‘production’ that I had to attend, so I’d still go and put in a different kind of session. 

But as for weight-lifters, etc whinging about how they would have been better if they hadn’t been over-ruled by the little lady at home – um, I’m not sure how to respond to that, but I don’t think it’s a very fair point for him to raise.   Not very fair and not very relevant – considering when I read further that he sets his alarm so he doesn’t miss his gym session;  so if he’s up early and hitting the weights, then that’s got nothing to do with you or your relationship.

And from all that you’ve ever written, you’ve been nothing but supportive to him with his quest – encouraging, even attending with him, etc etc.  So his routine is:  work, sleep/ rest in front of the tv, and go to the gym.  And anything that involves you is definitely not high or apparently on his ‘to do’ list.

Ok, I won’t bang on more about this because I’m just wondering what the psyche is of him when he breaks down and cries at the suggestion of you two splitting and yet, what on earth is he getting out of the relationship??   Security?   Maybe you, or someone else can answer that.

Beltane, I’m also in awe of you with your performances in the pub (musical endeavours) 🙂  -  my thought is that you must be damn good at what you perform to be able to do that.  And I would love to know what your musical weapon is that you play?  Would love to hear more about that also?

Kind regards

Neil

[Beltane]

Ah! People who are interested to hear about my music!

You see, I got home from that night almost crying with happiness, literally bouncing around the house. I had recorded about 5 minutes worth of me playing solo, and tried to get my partner to listen. But he half listened to about 30 seconds of it then went "oh cool" and stopped paying attention.., that hurt, especially as he knows the story. Wasn't that excited that Id just achieved a long held dream!!!

all my life I have been a musician. At 5 I learned piano, and then viola and flute, and later taught myself guitar, various drums and drumkit, and now the Irish tin whistle. Next is another type of whistle. 

but all my life I've been plagued by such terrible anxiety that I could never perform, not even to a single person. I could never do any music exams as I would be shaking, my fingers would not cooperate on the instrument, my brain would go totally blank and I wouldn't be able to remember a thing! 

I've been to see an Irish music group that plays 2-3 nights a week at pubs in my city a few times for years now, and longed to play with them, but my anxiety was too severe. Recently I made a commitment to go, and bring my hand drum (djembe!. It's easy to blend in on a drum. I practised my whistle for weeks, but Id end up playing solo and I couldnt!! I tried but anxiety messed up my breathing so I couldn't blow the whistle, my fingers would shake, my mind would forget how to play!

this time all those same things happened. But I concentrated on breathing and got the sound going. Muscle memory kicked in because my fingers knew the song, though my mind was blank. I didn't play a single wrong note.

i will never forget the busy, packed, Easter Sunday night pub full of people cheering me. I could have cried, I was so happy and so proud. I never knew I had that strength, but now I know, I'll never forget. I wonder what other strengths I have lying hidden.

and then.. I sang. Again all by myself, loud enough for the pub to hear. My voice cracked and quavered the first few notes as I was so nervous, and that was enough to make my heart stop! Oh god, I thought, I sound awful. But again I concentrated on my breathing- knowing from years of coping with panic that breathing is the key to everything. Get that under control, and you can cope with anything! My voice rang true, loud, and in tune after that. Again, people cheered loudly. 

happiest day of my life!!! And my partner still hasn't listened to the recording.

[Beltane]

Sorry for double post, probably sounds a bit confusing so just wanted to clarify.

the group is somewhat casual in that they'll pmay some crazy fast irish folk music (you know, like in Titanic). Then they'll stop for a few minutes, have a beer and chat. In the "lull" that's when people will at something solo. Sometimes others will join in, if they know the song. Sometimes the person intends to just play solo.

so that's how I ended up playing solo. Several "lulls" in the music had occurred over my various visits but everytime Id try to pick up my whistle, my hands shook so much I dropped it, and the time I tried to blow into it a horrible squeaking noise came out as I wasn't breathing properly. Luckily the pub is noisy and noone heard the noise, but it shattered my confidence and I didn't try again for another week.

this time it happened again and THATS when I concentrated very very hard on breathing right, so I could play the right sound, and then, my muscle memory of my fingers kicked in and I was playing! It's a very fast song too!  

Sodry again for the extreme amounts of detail that I'm sure is far too much, but that was the darn best night of my life, it's hard not to go into extreme detail when I've finally got an audience who wants to hear it (my partner did not, as "he doesn't like Irish music". Apparently, not even if it's me playing for the first time ever to a huge packed pub full of people. 

[Neil_1]

Dear Beltane

Firstly I'm so glad you gave the detailed description of all that you've done musically of recent times - it was awesome to read it all;  kind of made the reader as though we were there.  Which would have been brilliant, cause I would have cheered loud for you as well.

Secondly, no need to ever say sorry here - it was great that you listed it all out so we could get a gist of your absolute talent.  AND the battle that you had to overcome your fears of playing in front of a crowd and then to sing in front of a crowd.

You are obviously heaps talented to be able to do that.  I only wish I could be of that skill level with music, but especially singing.  Even my dog puts his paws over his ears when I try and break into song.  😞

I'm just going to add here that I would like to encourage you to keep doing this for as often as you can;  because hearing you write about it really tells me it means so much to you and it just reading it, I can tell how uplifted you are with it.

Way to go girl - way to go.

I barely know you, but I'm very proud of you.

Neil

[HA1]

Hello Beltane, I hope this finds you well.

I have not posted on your thread for awhile, so I thought I would check up and see how you were going.  If you don't feel up to responding that is OK, I just wanted to let you know that I am here to listen.  

Also, letting you know that I am getting oh so close to finding my way to the house on the hill.  Everything has been prepared, partner has accepted that I am going away to find my 'garden of eden'.  Not sure if it is going to be exactly as my profile picture, but .....

Please take care Beltane,

K