Increasing anxiety over relationship struggling...

[Beltane]

Not sure if this should be in the anxiety or relationships forum but here goes...

lI've been with my partner now for almost 18 months and we,Ve been through a  lot together- hes been here for me through my battles with bipolar, depression, anxiety. I was unemployed for many months and he supported us financially. Now I'm back on my feet, have a job and well...

we've been having problems for many months now and at first I thought it was the stress of me being sick and unemployed. Then I thought he was depressed, though he vehemently denies it and shows no real symptoms other than disinterest in anything, now I dont know what to think.

i guess I'm a bit of a hippy, I love Tiny Houses an want to build one in the country and be environmentally friendly. I love nature, I'm very much a person who's just full of enegy, even after a day of work, and just want to enjoy the world and all it has to offer. 

I love music and am always learning new instruments, I sew lovely things like quilts, I dance, I sing. I talk constantly of living I the tiny home, and because tiny homes are cheap to buy and upkeep, it'll give me lots of free money to travel the world. Id happily live life without tv and I only facebook because I.m lonely. I want my life to be filled with nature, music, love, and enjoying life.

he on the other hand seems to only work a nd then go to the gym and watch movies, he doesn't like nature or music, he doesn't shar my values of living life to its fullest, he wants a normal home with a mortgage. The thought of living the life we live now forever feels me with deep fear. I'm 27 and we're starting to talk about marriage....

I've had numerous talks with him asking for change over the past few months, which he promises, and he might try a little but soon resorts to old ways. Tonight I broke down Como,erect and said "we're in trouble". He promised me we'd spend tonight cuddling and discussing our future, finding compromises and solutions to our differences.

then he got on Facebook and watched a movie, despite my reminder of his promise. i cried alone.

i don't think I can save this relationship, I'm not even sure I want to!

yet the thought of leaving him causes HUGE anxiety, terrible nightmares. I've put my bipolar meds dose up twice with doctors OK, and yet my bipolar moods and anxiety are going NUTS. I have a brand new job after a long time unemployed, I can NOT afford this kind of stress right now, I can NOT afford my illness to flare either!! Help!

[geoff]

dear Beltane, I have followed your post from the beginning this morning, and it's clear that this relationship has been such an up and down one, where he promises to change, but this is only said at the spur of the moment, and not for long term, because he will resort back to his old ways, and this isn't what you are looking for, you want a relationship that OK you can do your own thing, but then a major proportion to be shared which is not going to happen.

I know that you love him, but I wonder if he returns the same love.

You are a very talented person and your desperately seeking someone to share your life with, not trying to compromise with someone who promises one minute and then breaks it the next.

I hope that I haven't been too honest in what I have said, and I'm sorry if I have upset you. L Geoff. x

[Beltane]

Ok.. I can't ignore this any longer. I'm crashing really badly. My deoression is spiralling, anxiety is building. I am crying constantly. I've barely been posting on these forums as I normally do because I've been so overwhelmed by deoression.

the truth is, I've had a really rocky life with very few pockets of real stability or security, I have very few friends, and even less loyal and stable ones. I have no real friends now but have some new friendships forming; still I feel terrible for needing to share this pain with them, as they are so new, 

3 years ago I had a relationship end under similar circumstances- simply just not right for each other. I was devastated, though I understood we weren't meant for each other. I became extremely depressed and anxious and developed suicidal ideation. It was a long slow recovery and took 2 years before I had overcome those illnesses enough and overcome the broken heart enough to cope. Then I met Dave and the start of our relationship was wonderful. We went traveling and had lots of fun. 

Hes been there for me through another crash of deoression, loss of a job and resulting 9 months of unemployment and financial stress. He supported me emotionally and financially. He was there for me through my diagnosis of bipolar and the long slow slog to get back to "healthy". So he's been my most loyal, reliable, closet friebd, confidante and ally when I didn't have any, and provided me with a secure home and stable relationship when I didn't have any.

the truth is, I DONT have the supports necessary to be ok. My family is unreliable and though they will (begrudgingly) give me a home there will be endless pressure to move out. I've got a brand new job and I just don't know how I will cope with a broken heart- last time I got too deoressed to work and lost my job.

ajd lets just remember Im not ending it due to a lack of love for him- I love him dearly. I love the memories of uour life so far, I love our inside jokes, our nicknames for each other. If I leave it'll be out of a broken heart an broken trust because I feel he doesn't love me enough back, doesn't stick by his promises and plainly, just doesn't have enough in common with me.

still I ask him everyday if we'll be together fieever, if he want to marry me, buy a home, have kids etc. And I am comforted when he answers yes and cuddles me.

and yet the words taste like a lie.. Do I really want those things with him? Or do I just want those things with someone?

[HA1]

Hello Beltane

Have been following this thread since the beginning.  I was not sure whether to post a reply or not .... your story is very close to mine (as you may have figured already from past posts).  I am not sure that I am in the best place to offer guidance.

A short pen picture about where I am.  I have now gone through the pain that you are experiencing and have decided upon the path I will take.  My partner and I have been together for a very long time.  All that time I have wondered whether I have been living in a one way street. We had our ups and downs but we stuck together.  I digested, she put up with me. That my depression had such an effect on our relationship, I never knew - perhaps too blind in grief.  We now have agreed that I need my space to unravel and heal. I must find my peace before going any further.  We are friends, and we embark on this new journey knowing that, if it is meant to be, then we will join together again.  But in the meantime, I am in search of that thing called 'love'.  People may call me a silly old fool.  But when you realise that you may not have felt real love in all your life, the search continues.  Maybe one day. But:

"Trust in dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity."  (Khalil Gibran.)

In your case, dear Beltane, you have a long life to look forward to. Go with the heart, and find your love.

There is so much more I would like to say, but starting to feel a bit sad.

K

[Doolhof]

Dear Beltane,

Thanks for sharing your story further with all of us. I can feel your pain and confusion. I wish I had the solution for you.

Without going back through your whole story, are you on medication at the moment, are you seeing a Dr. and do you chat with a psychologist or counsellor? (Sorry, I don't recall these things)

End of last year when I was so very depressed and stressed out I wanted to end everything. Or I wanted to get in the car and just drive away, anywhere, forever.  When I was feeling like that, nothing anyone said made sense to me. I was too depressed and distressed to know  what I wanted or needed.

Is there a safe place you could go to even for just a weekend, or do you think being alone might tip you over further?

I am so sorry you do not have a supportive or helpful family. That makes it tough also to be battling this by yourself.

Dave sounds like he has been very supportive and caring, it seems that you want more and need to feel secure in your relationship.

Maybe in a way Dave thinks you won't leave him, so he might then feel like he doesn't have to try too hard with your relationship.(Just wondering) We can take each other for granted at times and then we have a rude awakening when the partner says they want to leave or they are unhappy.

Is your depression making you see things to be worse than they are, or is your depression caused by how you are feeling in your relationship? It is sometimes difficult to tell the difference.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

[Beltane]

Just so everyone knows "Dave" is not his real name; it's a fake name.

i honest to God just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm screaming, begging on my knees, "please please love me back". I used to think it was my anxiety and my insecurity- and I'm not denying that I have those issues, as I do. But as I've said to "Dave", just because I'm anxious and insecure doesn't mean Its all in my head. As I've said to him, "you know, there are things about this relationship that MAKE me feel insecure and anxious."

this is the thing: I desperately don't want us to break up. I do love him, so much that I burst into hysterical tears at the very mention of the possibility that we might break up, and I cry for hours, utterly inconsolable. 

my therapist has gone on extended leave and I haven't found a new one. This is obviously priority number 1 as clearly I need help. I'm not naive; I know the warning signs of mounting deoression by now, and I know that I need to get the supports going now if I am to avoid a serious relapse.

A friend pointed out the problem the other day to me, very poignantly. She said "he has an obsession, but you're not the object of the focus".

shes so so so right. He's obsessed with being an athlete and getting fit. He used to be overweight and deoressed, now he's this athlete and he's happy. Everything athletic puts this giant smile on his face: truth be told that radiant happiness was what made me fall in love with him in the first place. At the gym he's got this big happy grin, he's full of energy, he's bouncing around happily, joking with his friends, arriving early, staying late, spending almost every day there...

I long for even half that obsession to be turned my way, for him to look at me like that, for that big grin to be because of me, for him to be bouncing around happy because it's Date Night or whatever.

the harsh bite of rejection is constant. I feel like I'm a child doing tricks to try to get someone's attention.

 I force myself to go to the gym because when I'm part of that world, I'm part of the obsession- his face lights up and he brags to everyone about his fit gym girlfriend and it makes me want to cry because I want him to brag about the things that make me ME- my personality, my compassion, my talents like cooking and sewing- the real ME. 

ive become this pathetic shadow of a person, begging for attention, going go the gym because it's the one thing I do fhat gets him to notice me.

why can't he just love me

[Pixie15]

Hi Beltane,

One of your earlier posts mentioned that you had a discussion and you were each going to have the opportunity to pursue your own goals. Also that you would set aside some time for each other to pursue the things you had in common. How are you going with that? It sounds like your partner is doing what he is passionate about. Are you pursuing your own passions?

Can you really imagine your partner acting the way he does at the gym the whole of his awake time? I think the person you can come home to and spend quiet time in their company knowing that they are there to share the odd bit of news and inspiration without having to be always trying to impress is more valuable than the training buddy.

Obviously your friend is closer to your situation than I am but I am wondering if you would really want to be the object of your partners obsession?

Sorry if I am not helpful.

Grateful.

[Beltane]

Yes we've both been doing our own things. He's been doing his gym stuff. I have been meeting up with my friendship group (we hung out all say only yesterday). I also joined an Irish folk music band which meets twice a week- I have enjoyed it so much so far it has already become the highlight of my week.

no I do not want to be the object of his, or anyone's obsession. I want a balanced relationship with tune together, and time apart doing our own thing. My friend didn't mean that I should be the object of obsession, in the context of the conversation she meant that I was lost somewhere underneath the obsession.

my problem is the relationship is not balanced- it has been horribly unbalanced towards the "time apart" side for a long time. I guess we have different expectations of time together. For him, having two "designated date times"- Friday evening and Sunday day is almost too much. I say that because he's slept through about 50% of them.

To me it's a cut down of what Id like- more like 50/50 at least, or the balance slightly in favour of time together. But no I don't want to spend every waking second with someone.

my problem is that my needs for affection, attention, communication, exploring the world as a couple etc are STILL not being met despite the new agreements. I've held up my end of the compromise- that we'd do our own thing 5 nights a week

But the last couple of Friday night date nights have been a total flop in that he slept through them. Out of the 2-3 Sunday's we've only had one good one, the others were also total flops in that he slept through those or wanted to do his own thing.

what am I supposed to do? I don't want to be the horrible harpy bag of a girlfriend that stands there going "noooo you need to spend the day with me".

im jury that I even have to remind him. I honest to God believed, now we're spending the majority of nights doing our own thing, that he'd actually be really keen on those two date times. 

I mean that's how I feel- I barely see him for 4 days, by the time Friday night date night rolls around Im pretty excited and champing at the bit for some quality time with my man.

im not complaining about one missed date night, I'm upset because he literally said "it doesn't matter, it's just one day".

well it does matter. If we've been like ships passing through the night for 4 days, and I get all psyched up for date night and YET AGAIN it doesn't happen, you better believe it matters. To me.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Beltane

Just thought I’d pop back in.

You don’t want to break up – I get that clearly as the thought of that really reduces you to big time tears and yes, I get that.  I get that to the extent that this is someone who you are very much in love with.

Question for you:   how do you think he’d feel if you were to break up?   Do you think he’d be that jokey, bouncy, full of energy kind of guy that you describe of him, when you see him at the gym?   Or would breaking up with you rip him apart also?

Another one:   you guys live together yeah??   You say there are ‘planned date nights’, but really you’ve only had one that was ok.  I’m sorry, you’ve probably already mentioned this, but I’m assuming that you’re living together – which would mean that you would for all intents and purposes, see each other a fair bit??  Yes??   I assume you have raised the subject of him ‘sleeping through date nights’?   Is he that tired?   If you weren’t having a date night, would he be in bed asleep, or would he be suddenly ‘up and atom’ doing something else??   My other comment with him sleeping through a planned date night would be to say, “Ok, well that didn’t count and so we’ll have date night tomorrow night, to make up for the one that we missed”.

Though further on you say you barely see him for 4 days in a row – which makes me now think that you don’t live together.

You’re probably now thinking “MEN, typical – they never listen!” 

Kind regards

Neil

[Pixie15]

Hi Beltane,

If you have made definite plans with your partner then I agree he has an obligation to remember them. However your partner may not be thinking about things the same as you. For me leaving a day open to spend time doing something together is not the same as having a definite arrangement. If I had this arrangement with someone and we did not agree on something to do I would go off and do my own thing. 

There is a book that I have found useful which you might find interesting to read. "Where To Draw the Line" by Anne Katherine, M.A. It covers a whole lot of relationship situations with setting boundaries.

Also you still might consider if your partner is exhausting himself working out to manage his depression if there may be more balanced choices you could try to help him to make.

cheers,

Grateful.

[HA1]

Hi Beltane

Just looking to see that you are OK.

K