I worry that something bad will happen all the time

Colorcraft · ‎26-10-2014

Hi, I don't know we're to start, I think I have been suffering depression and anxiety for many years. I just don't feel happy at all. I worry to much about everything. I even worry about things that have not happend or just my mind thinkingthoughts of what could happen and then worry about it. My mind makes up stuff all the time such as thinking people are judging me and then I start worrying about that. I'm a mum of two, have a partner and career which I love. I have big trust issues with my partner which I can not get rid of. My extended family well we're do I stray lets just say I worry about that as well. I worry people don't like me, I worry that something bad will happend all the time. That's me on the inside. On the outside everyone sees me as care free easy going. The strong one. No body in the entire world knows how hard it is for me to live each day. I'm so tired I just want to feel happy, I just want to feel free of my thoughts. I have never been on medication or counseling. I don't have time. I wish I can just curl up and go away but I can't I have to live for everyone who depends on me. I hope this forum will help me get things out overtime, as I'm very secretive about how I feel inside

AGrace · ‎27-10-2014

Hi Colorcraft,

Welcome, and I'm glad you've chosen to reach out to us here for some additional support.

It sounds like you might be suffering from some anxiety and depression. It's common for the two to present together. I know you mentioned that you haven't been taking medication or seeing a therapist because you don't have time. My biggest piece of advice would be to make time. These things don't have a habit of disappearing on their own, so it's important for you to get the support that you need, particularly if you feel like you can't get this from family and friends. You don't have to see a therapist every day, just an hour each week would suffice, and there are many Psychologists who run sessions outside of business hours.

Will you give some consideration to this?

AGrace

dougall · ‎27-10-2014

Hi Colorcraft, I know how you feel and it is a good thing to write down how you feel so you can at least see it on paper. This forum has helped me feel that people understand and care. I would like to hear more of your story as it sounds quite similar to how my anxiety and depression started.

Colorcraft · ‎27-10-2014

Thank you for replying to my post, just taking this step i feel that it is helping. Today I'm feeling ok, but i still have this un easy feeling in my stomach, i know it could be the anxiety. About what i don't really know i guess its about things in my life, the everlasting worry i have for things that either don't existor things that really are not that bad. I do find that i go through life trying to impress everyone, making sure conflict does not happen, maybe i am afraid of conflict. maybe i just need to keep telling myself not to worry, but unfortunately its not that easy. i want to enjoy life i want to feel worry free. Also when someone else is having a bad time for some reason their issues sit on me, and then i worry about that. Sorry if my post is not making sense as I'm trying to paint a picture of what i am going through and I'm finding it a little hard, as i don't show signs of symptoms of depression or Anxiety, because i live a life, i go to work, i get up everyday i visit friends and family i socialize i go on family holidays, I'm not disconnected physically from family and friends i guess I'm just me hence the fact no body knows what I'm really feeling. Just because i live my day to day life a part of me just feels like taking some sleeping tablets and going off to sleep were nothing worries me. Just to make things clear I'm not suicidal its not like i don't want to be here that's the thing i want to be here, life is enjoyable and i just want to enjoy it, i want to be free, but for the last few years i have felt like my own prisoner.

I will be considering seeing someone i just have to find the right time, because i know when i sit in front of someone i will clam up. and in fact im still confused about whats wrong with me, and what makes me worry so much.

Thanks guys this is really helping.

dougall · ‎27-10-2014

Hi, I know how you are feeling. I did much the same, I kept the peace and made sure everyone was okay and no-one felt left out. When you do this the person that is left out is you. We forget to take time for ourselves because we think it can be better spent of fixing other people. We don't realise until we start to second guess ourselves that we have used up our positive energy in helping everyone else and there is none left for ourselves. As a mum and wife I thought I could keep going indefinetly and that all the positive reinforcement I was giving my family and friends would keep topping me up, it had the opposite affect. After 17 years of trying to make a pessimist into an optimist, it drained me. I had no one inputting the positive for me. Everyone else was just taking. You only have so much to give and you have to realise that if you do not give back to yourself you will lose yourself. I also had the feeling of wanting to just disappear for a short while, have a break, like going to sleep at night, having a weeks holiday whilst everyone was asleep and in the morning be bright and bubbly. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could do that. When you keep giving and not receiving then it does take its toll. I thought I was handling everything and keeping all the balls in the air then one day they all were no longer there. It is a gradual thing. One thing I have felt helpful is to step back and look at myself from a total, unbiased, stranger. If they did not know me what would they see. We always see ourselves as what we think others see us as not what they actually see us as. We never ask people what they think of us as we know generally they tell us what we want to hear. You know yourself that there is something going on so take it a step at a time and work out what it is. It helped me writing.

AGrace · ‎28-10-2014

Hi Colorcraft,

One of the ideas that comes up often on these forums is to print out some of your posts and take these with you to your Dr/therapist. If you keep a diary taking this is another idea. This way you don't have to think on the spot or try to work out what's going on for you before you see someone.

I know how difficult it can be to find the time when you're juggling so many other things, just ask yourself if you broke your leg would you make time to go to a Dr, have an x-ray, go to a physio etc.? Mental health is just as important as physical health.

AGrace

dougall · ‎02-11-2014

Hi Colorcrat how are you doing today, well I hope.

Colorcraft · ‎02-11-2014

Hi I have been ok, today I was home on my own just doing some work, and house work partner took the kids out today. How do I start, I have been with my partner for 14 years, lately I have had feelings of anger and hate towards him, not openly but internally. I think I regret our relationship as he has caused me so much emotional grief during the years. To sum up the relationship he is not violent at all, he is not verbally abusive, he is a fantastic father, he is not controlling. But he is selfish, he lies to me about money, and he has betrayed my trust more than I can count on one hand. Every time I talk to him he just agrees with me and admits that he is selfish, but I think he just likes to tell me what I want to hear. I really need him, but I don't know how I feel about him anymore, I just want to get rid of this anger and hate towards him, it's exhausting. I'm struggling a little today but I just keep going, I don't know how I do I just do. I think part of my anxiety is caused from my relationship.

dougall · ‎03-11-2014

Hi Colorcraft I think you should go and talk to a counselor about the internal anger and the lack of trust in your relationship. I have gone through a marriage where I was emotionally and mentally abused, not that you would notice, it was subtle. He had a thing about money, it was more important that anything else, still is. I found if you can go and talk to someone they can give you an unbiased opinion on what you can accept and what not to accept. When he left my anxiety went down to nearly half.