I've managed to get "stuck" in a rut and I can't work out what to do to change it?

[PinkDiamonds25]

One of my favourite quotes; "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein.

 Hi guys,

I don't really know why I'm here, I guess it's because I've been thinking about the same things over and over again for months without ever coming to a solution/plan that I can commit to.. 

Life keeps throwing huge hurdles at me and although I wish I knew the solutions to make the hurdles stop, I'm proud to say that I'm still here, managing as best I can..

I've had mental health issues for as long as I can remember, I've had a pretty broken life thus far which seems to have added to the ways that my symptoms manifest themselves. Mostly, anxiety is the condition that I feel affects me the most.. I'm on medication with benefit but I don't really have any friends or support. I've been on my own for years so I don't know why I'm having so much trouble moving away now..

I'm thinking about taking my son and moving a few hours away in time for him to start school next year.

I think it might be good for us to start fresh, go to a new town where everyone doesn't know everything (or think they know everything) about our lives. Whenever I'm far enough away from where I am now, my anxiety is better for it. The only reason that I am where I am now is because I've been trying to keep other people happy at my own sacrifice and I don't think that it's best for me or my son to stick around. 

I am stuck inside the house where I am at present but I can actually get out to the shops, do errands ect in this said town (I lived there for 2 years, 2 years ago and still visit). I'm also happier with the schools available there for my son whereas I'm not in the town that I'm being pressured into (my brother and I were abused at the local school when we were children). With all of these points in mind, it seems like a easy solution to the problem but I don't know why I'm finding it so hard? Is it just because I don't want to disappoint everyone? Perhaps I'm just afraid to fail (it's not like I'd be stuck there forever even if It didn't work out)? I'm tired of being remembered and talked about in the community by the misfortune and failures in my life/my family's life when it doesn't define who I am eg, these been family suicide over the years (my uncle and now recently a cousin), there's been drug abuse (my father), drug induced phsychosis (my father), social issues.. Nothing feels "personal" anymore. I just want to start fresh?

[PinkDiamonds25]

My boyfriend of 4 years says that if I leave, I'm just "running away" from my problems but I don't think I will ever be able to face the issues head on like he wants me to. I don't think he understands how these issues limit my and consequently my son's life. 

Arghhh.. I've been so stressed and sleep deprived thinking about what I'm going to do.. Why am I finding this decision so hard? 

[Elizabeth CP]

I can't tell you what you should do. That is for you to decide. I had a major decision to make  which took almost a year to finally come to a decision so I can relate particularly when there are opposing views and  I was worried about 'running away'from things and then regretting it. 

My psychologist tells me to 'make the best guess''. some things are not clear cut and we don't have a crystal ball to know the answer so we need to weigh things up in our own mind and then make a decision and be happy knowing you have done your best rather than worrying 'what if''. With major decisions I write the pros and cons on paper as this helps me see the issues clearly and then decide based on how you feel after this process. Once the decision is made consciously remind yourself that you made your best guess based on what you knew at the time  whenever you or anyone else questions the decision. This helps stop the negative thoughts wondering if you did the right thing.

Good luck with this remember your boyfriend and others may have you best interests but they don't have all the facts. They are not inside your head so they don't fully understand what you are feeling. It may help to speak to your psychologist about this as having someone neutral to bounce ideas can be helpful particularly as he should understand your mental health issues.

[White_Rose]

Dear Pink Diamonds

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a safe place to come and talk about your difficulties. I can see you are in a difficult place and trying to make decisions under complicated and emotional circumstances. When you are upset it is not always easy to work out the best course of action.

As Elizabeth has already said, we cannot make your decisions for you. We can help you to make a decision by talking about the pros and cons, and about our own experiences. You say you feel better when you are away from the town where you live. That's a pretty natural reaction because, as you said, no one knows you. And there is a relief being in a place where you feel safe. I feel like that when I sit in my psychologist's room. But then I have to leave and go back into the real world and I do not enjoy that.

Remember that you do return to your home after a few hours, probably refreshed because you have not kept looking over your shoulder to see who is watching you. But moving there is a whole new ballgame. Try and imagine yourself living there and what you would do all day.

How do you think you will manage in that situation? Having no friends and knowing no one? It could get to be pretty lonely that way. But maybe you believe you can make friends easily and can have that fresh start you are looking for.  What about your son, will he find new friends easily?

While you remain in your current home everything is familiar. You have the love and support of your boyfriend. Will he go to your new home with you? This is an important person to consider as he offers you support. And what happens when you move and find the same problems or a new set of problems.

You are right to want to make a decision in the best interests of your you and your son. Other people are well meaning but always well informed. One piece of advice I had from the psychologist is to listen to your body. What is your body telling you about all of this?

I long to go away and leave my hurt and sorrow behind. I think wherever I go I will take it with me.

Do you see your GP regularly and do you have any other mental health support? If not then I suggest you talk first to your GP then to someone like a psychologist or counselor. An objective person who can help you see all sides of the question. Then make your decision.

Keep writing in here and talk about how your decision is going.

Mary

[geoff]

dear PinkDiamond, can I please just raise a couple of points that you have made which do concern me.
Firstly in the first part of your comment, you have answered the question yourself by saying ' Whenever I'm far enough
away from where I am now, my anxiety is better for it.'
You can't stay where you are unless that's what you want to do, because being there just to please anyone you are in
contact with means nothing, they will drop you as soon as they want to, doesn't matter how much or what you have
done to help them means nothing, so if you want to go then go.
Your boyfriend says 'you are running away' but he's not the one that has to take all the verbal comments against you and
from what happened to your family, and by staying there just to please him is for his own convenience only.
I think a change in scenery would do you all the best, but that's not a decision I need to take.
If your b/friend doesn't want this to happen then there are plenty of other chaps who may please you as well, but contact
with him will only go back to where you came from, so the problem will keep be going on. Geoff. x

[Georgea1]

Dear pink it sounds like you have a difficult decision to make . i want to give you my opinion if possible , dealing with anxiety and raising a family as well as being in a relationship is difficult enough without all the rest would you agree!!!!!! i think that you cannot erase history and that it doesn't define who you are as you correctly mentioned earlier . However it sounds like your surroundings and other peoples perception about you and your family is causing a hindrance to your already anxious mind , therefore making it difficult to concentrate on things that edify you and bring hope in the future.So what is the solution?I think the solution is trying to find  PEACE you need peace to be able to feel good about whatever decision you make . You need to be able to find peace by concentrating on all the positive relational and personal things about you ,your dreams hopes and future where you are already and as you do that if you decide for the benefit of yourself and your family to move then it will work out for you even better when you do so.  You will already be in the right frame of mind as to what your doing and why . Its  not about who you can become if you go , but finding peace in who you already are. deal with the things of the past dont,so they dont fellow you, dont blame your self about things you had no control over, become wise where you are now , so you can make the most of where your going to be tomorrow. 

you want to go to have peace , but what if peace is not given in the understanding of where we need to go but who we need to become before we go?? its not about what were going to do but who we are that will define what we do.

sounds like you want the best for your family and for that alone you are magnificent and it sounds like you also have a brave and adventurous heart as well . take some time and look within ,stand still and instead of trying to find the solution find the peace that will lead you to the solution , hoping for you!!!!