I'm so scared

[Chicken_Wings]

The week before last the world was pretty great. I was loving my job, walking every day when I got home and planning fun things to do.

Then something hit me like a massive wave. It completely knocked me off my feet and I've fallen into fear.

I've never before felt so bad that I wanted to call a help line, but this time I did. I talk to my partner, but I just felt like I wanted to talk to anyone and just cry and I think in the back of my mind I was hoping someone would have a magic answer. But of course there is no magic answer.

I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of waking up, of going to work, of talking to people, of coming home. I'm scared to eat food, I'm scared that I have some sort of terrible disease or illness. I need to go to the dentist, but I'm scared he's going to tell me all my teeth are falling out or that I have some sort of disease in my mouth. I'm scared of medication too which makes all of this even harder. I'm scared of losing people, I'm scared of dying and I'm scared that the world is becoming a horrible horrible place.​

I'm also so incredibly scared that this is it. This is my life now and I will never get rid of these thoughts.

Because they aren't just fears when I'm faced with them. These are the things I think about constantly. I'm imagining the things I have to do in the future and I'm terrified to do them.

I just want to be normal.

I want to wake up in the morning and worry about which shoes to wear. I want to feel hungry at lunch time and really enjoy a good meal. I want to come home and go for a walk and listen to music because I enjoy it and not have in the back of my mind that I am doing this for my mental health. I want to look forward to things and most of all I want to be happy.

[Dwwmills]

Hi Chicken Wings.

I’ve been looking back over my diary app that I’ve kept for
the last 18 months or so to see if I can find anything that might help.

Generally I find that some underlying problem or belief that
I haven’t been aware of that triggers my anxiety. If I manage to find out what
it is I can generally stop the anxiety very quickly and in fact sometimes
immediately. One example of this would be earlier this year I was losing
confidence in my ability to perform my work properly. I’ve been doing this job
for nearly 40 years so I should be quite good at it but sometimes it doesn’t
take much for me to doubt. I have a customer who likes to tell you how good he
is at the same work as I do. He is quite good at what he does as well. When I
returned work to this customer he would always find something small that could
have been done better (in his opinion). His opinion became far too important to
me. When I was doing work for him I would always be double guessing what I
should or shouldn’t be doing. It started to wear me down and I would get
anxious about my work. It wasn’t until I realised that this was just how he was
and I was never ever going to get work through without some sort of a floor
here and there. After I realise that seeking his approval was useless and all
my other customers are very happy with what I do, I was able to tackle the
anxiety I was feeling. Once I realise this, the anxiety was gone almost
immediately but it took me a long time to work out what it was. I had taken on
subconsciously that I wasn’t doing my work very well because I had accepted small
negative comments as being fact without first challenging whether they were
false or true.

Being tired is something that also triggers my anxiety. My
doctor prescribed some sleeping tablets for me. If I’m having a bad run and I’m
really tired I might take one to get a good nights sleep and things generally
look better in the morning. I may only take 10 or 15 in a year but I find them
very helpful to break the cycle.

The good thing is you have a history of being able to break
your anxiety in the past so I’m sure you will be able to do it this time as
well.

[Chicken_Wings]

Thanks Dwwmills,

Reading your post really helped.
I think I'm the same, once I address the thing that is scaring me or making me anxious I tend to be able to begin to get better naturally. I know there are 2 things that are scaring me at the moment.

One I have addressed before. I just need to go to the dentist for a check up. I know I need to but I am terrified he is going to tell me something terrible. 
The other is going to be much harder to address, I need to get on a plane and fly a long way. I've been saying to myself that I will do this when I feel better, but if I'm honest with myself I don't think I will get better until I've done it. Which leaves me in a catch 22. 

I'm scared that I'm going to have an anxiety attack on the plane and that I will be stuck there, with the other passengers, unable to leave. I really don't know how to concur this one.

[Bannanapeel14]

You poor thing. Its awful feeling when you have all those questions in your mind but there's no answer... I have felt like that too. I am scared of dying or people the most close to me dies. 

I hope that a miracle happens and you don't get those thoughts anymore.

I don't have much to say cause I'm still very young and have much to learn but I really hope you get threw it all and become happy again!!!

Bannanapeel14 :3

[Chicken_Wings]

I'm sick of this. 

Im sick of crying, I'm sick of being scared. I sick of the tight feeling in my chest. I'm sick of the intrusive thoughts. I'm sick of the lower concentration and being bad at my job.

i just want to be well. I'm doing all the things I'm meant to and I just want myself back.

i want to laugh and be silly. I want to able to watch the tv shows I like without them freaking me out. I want to be able to wake up the morning and just get started with my day rather than battling with my mind. I want to have a good time without it being interrupted by thoughts of "when this good mood will run out?".

i want to be in a bubble of ignorance as to what this feels like.

I'm so frustrated with myself and I just needed to rant about it.

[thedeadlycake]

Hey CW,

It can be exhausting can't it? My wife has some OCD and depression issues that directly trigger my anxiety. I found myself constantly feeling like I was living in a pressure cooker. If it wasn't me having an issue I would be worried about her. If we were both ok I would worry about the cats or the dogs. I never got a moments peace from my mind.

I actually remember screaming "I'M SICK OF THIS" into a pillow at the top of my lungs.

I ran out of energy but still my brain would not give me a break.

I found relief when I really committed to working with meditation. My psychologist tried to guide me through a meditation during a second and I broke down because I just couldn't stop the noise. 

This is when I tried the leaves on a stream exercise I mentioned to you elsewhere. I finally found that instead of trying to hold back the storm of thoughts letting them pass made them ease off. It took a while because there were so many things going on but by the end of the exercise I had found a kind of peace I could not remember experiencing before. 

It's hard to not just get fed up and easy to be hard on yourself. I try to imagine how I would treat a friend if they were telling me they weren't doing so well. I would not dream of saying some of the things I say to myself to a friend!

Self compassion is really hard but I think it is a key principal to recovery. A little bit of kindness goes a long way!

[Chicken_Wings]

Thanks TDC,

I found that audio and downloaded it. I listened to it that evening, it is very calming and I need to keep working on it. I need to keep doing a lot of things, I don't remember it being this hard before.

I woke up this morning and had all the usual thoughts and was just so over it I needed to let it out. 
Sometimes I get really mad at myself for how I am and I know I need to be more gentle. You're right, if I was supporting someone else who felt like I do now I would not be so hard on them.

I hate waking like that because I feel like it's setting a mood for the day, so I do my relaxation exercises or go for a walk to try and kick it. I'm at work now and feeling slightly better just because I'm out of the house and busy with worky things.

[Chicken_Wings]

Hey TDC,

i woke up anxious this morning and decided to give that audio a try instead of my usual exercises. 

Youre right about having so many thoughts when you first start! I could hardly keep up with them all. But the voice is very soothing and although I don't think I managed to send all my thoughts away, I do think it helped as I managed to go back to sleep. That's something that I cant normally do.

thank you for suggesting it. 

[thedeadlycake]

I'm so glad it is helping! It does take a while and some days are harder than others. 

[Tbarker182]

Hi chickens wings, this is a long shot because these posts were from so long ago but you wouldn’t happen to be able to please tell me what the audio is could you? I am struggling and everything you have mentioned is exactly how I’ve been feeling, scared of absolutely everything even small things like going home, going to sleep or watching my favourite tv shows, I seriously thought I was going crazy no matter how hard I tell myself that I am not. It’s comforting to know these symptoms are normal.

Thanks !!