I’m scared I’ll never be back to myself

[Leaf617]

About two months ago I decided to come off my antidepressants. I had been on them for 9 years. My doctors advised me to drop to half my dose for a month and then stop. For the first week I felt great just like normal and then it all came crashing down. I started obsessing over my relationship with someone I’ve been with almost seven years and have always loved. I couldn’t stop criticising him in my head and was worried I didn’t love him anymore. He tried to help me get to four weeks off the drugs to see if the withdrawals would subside. They didn’t.

I decided to get back on my medication at docotors advise lower initial does for 7-10 days and then up to my old dosage. It’s been almost four weeks and I feel desperate. I’m scared to get out of bed most mornings, haven’t been to work in two weeks, can barely manage to eat anything without forcing myself. I usually feel a bit better at night but the pressure is starting to get to my partner. Working split shifts and trying to care for the house. He doesn’t understand mental illness and I just feel so broken. I can’t remember what happiness feels like and I’m scared that I’ll never feel the way I did towards him, life, my job, myself.

ive been thinking pretty seriously about suicide today but don’t want to hurt my family. I just need something to turn back time.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Leaf617, 

We have reached out to you privatley but want to also share here how sorry we are that you are feeling this way. It sounds like you have an icnredibly difficult time at the moment and we want to thank you for being brave and reaching out for support here on the forums. It is an act of courage to look for help. 

You can always call BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636 and we think this would be another great step in seeking support. Another option is lifeline on 13 11 14 - they are also wonderful, friendly and helpful 🙂 

Please feel free to give us an update if you feel like it. This is a great community that is full of respectful, understanding and empathetic members - and know you're one of them!

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[S_D]

Hi Leaf617,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your journey with antidepressants. I know it can sometimes take more than a month for this medication to start working again after taking a break so I hope now that you're back on them things will start to improve really soon! It would be so difficult right now that you're finding it hard to get out of bed and questioning so many aspects of your life, it's good to hear that things do tend to improve a bit in the evening though. I know it doesn't feel like it right now although things can and will get better. Ups and downs are a normal part of life and it sounds like things can only go up from here. What things are you doing for self-care at the moment? It sounds like you could really benefit from taking some time to be kind and gentle to yourself, whether thats by having a nice warm bath with some salts or essential oils or watching something that makes you feel happier e.g. some comedy (there are lots of great stand up comedy shows coming out at the moment that you can watch for free online as we're in the middle of the Melbourne Comedy festival) or maybe even reaching out to a friend and letting them know how you're feeling? Perhaps going on a walk together or doing something fun to take your mind off the pressure. We all care about you on here and would love to hear back from you soon!

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Leaf617

Please call someone if you're feeling unsafe. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

The transition period can be a time of unbalance, and it takes a bit to get back to equilibrium, from what I've heard, so I hope you can be really gentle with yourself during this time, and lean on your supports. Like Sophie has said, the helplines are really great, and we're here for you to chat to as well.

Katy

[Leaf617]

I’ve spoken with my mum the last few days which has really helped. She has been through this too. She said to set yourself three goals a day. Lately it’s been to have a shower brush my teeth and eat something. If it hadn’t been for the month of withdrawal side effects on top of this side effects curve I’m going through now I don’t know if I might be handling it better. I meditate, my partner reminds be to eat and he’s also suggested I read to help get my mind off things. I just want to know when it will get better and hope I don’t destroy my previous happy life in the process.

[S_D]

Hi Leaf617,

Thats so great to hear talking to your mum helped. I like that idea of setting three goals each day. Meditation and reading are also nice suggestions. Are you reading anything at the moment?