10 years later

[Oddities]

I've never been very good at talking about my feeling but here goes.

I'm a 31yr old guy, with a beautiful soon to be wife and my wonderful 19 month old son. I've had stable employment for over 10 years now and try to end each day ahead of the last. What alot of people don't see though, is my anxiety that makes me double check everything, it makes me doubt my ability and at times makes me feel like I'm going insane.

I can only describe this as a feeling of my mind is stuck in an unrelenting, thick fog of madness.

For 9 of these 10 years I've had a pretty good handle on things and have moved forward well, although the recent passing of my grandfather whome I was close with has turned everything upside down.

let's go back, and I will keep it brief.

I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder 10 years ago and put on medication, I was also smoking a considerable quantity of cannabis and drinking. This lasted 12 months before I crashed in an almighty collision of reality and what I'd been avoiding. I was put on a second medication, to which I had a rare reaction where I didn't sleep for 5 days and the sickness was almost unbearable, this combined with my grand ideas to stop smoking cannabis and stop taking the first medication all at once, leads me to my visit to the local Mental Health Hospital. I had a sneaky pill before they got to me to drag me out there so by the time I was being examined I was ok, and managed to talk my way out of it.

Two days later I had a visit to a Psychiatrist who spoke with me at length and decided that a third medication was the correct medication for me. I was underweight, couldn't eat for days at a time and wasn't sleeping. This medication after 4 weeks had that sorted.

Cut back to today, and I've been having more bad days than good and have been struggling quite alot. I've scheduled regular appointments with a psychologist and am now feeling like its day 1 all over again. My partner is amazing and has truly been the anchor I've needed and without her I hate to think of where I could be now.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but any support from fellow sufferers might be the thing I need on a bad day to see that light at the end of the tunnel. When its bad, I feel like I'm losing my mind, like this is it and I'm about to say goodbye to my dwindling grip on reality. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I just want to be happy again

[socialmoth]

Hi Oddities, welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you have been through a whole lot in your life and I'm very sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way lately.

I definitely know the feeling of starting day 1 all over again. I have been going to psychologists and counselors on and off for years and at the end of last year, I thought I was completely better. I stopped seeing my psychologist and I stopped taking my medication completely. I ended up in hospital for withdrawals.

You have done the best thing you can do when you feel like you've fallen off the horse, which is get back on it again. Just this month I admitted that I wasn't well, got a new mental health plan and am going back to a psychologist at the end of the month - but instead of feeling like it's day 1, I feel like it's a new start. A fresh reality if you will.

Maybe spinning it that way helps your perception of the situation and gives you the motivation to work hard to feel the feeling you're looking for again.

[Oddities]

Thank you mate. Sounds like you understand exactly how this feels. Ive described it to my partner like climbing a mountain, you reach the highest point you can see, then, once you get there your met with another mountain that towers above.

I do find solace in the fact that I do have good days, or good periods where I feel good, sane, safe and capable so I use that as a kind of grounding mechanism to reassure myself that all will be good. I'm particularly keen to undertake CBT training as when it was suggested during my earlier years I was perhaps a little to immature/uneducated enough to admit that I could fix these issues within my own headspace.

[Petal22]

Hi Oddities,

Sorry you have been feeling this way.... there is light at the end of the tunnel..... I once had severe anxiety... ocd ..... I have now recovered from it thanks to the help of health professionals and medication....

I did group therapy sessions at a ocd clinic and was given many tools..... phycologists can also give you tools to help you to cope with your anxiety.... they really help.... it can take time to practice with these tools but when you get the hang of them they really help..

hang in there .... your good days will eventually out weigh your bad days.... try to stay positive and keep receiving help.......

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

hi there

I'm ten years too. I just want to say I love this:

"I do find solace in the fact that I do have good days, or good periods where I feel good, sane, safe and capable so I use that as a kind of grounding mechanism to reassure myself that all will be good."

Hope absolutely is so important. I think hold onto that and just keep trying things. It's our own headspace where the "problem" is situated, and if we do the work we can improve it. A tip for you if you like. Just one thing I've been trying that seems to be working well. When I find myself latching on to a thought that doesn't feel great - eg. "I stuffed up at work today and everyone thinks I'm an idiot now" I could go down that path and get stuck in a negative rut, or I can notice my thinking, and make an active decision to think something different. Nothing complicated. Maybe "my cat is curled up on the sofa". That thought feels better.

Sometimes I feel like anxiety is just these sticky tentacles which keep grabbing at things, and we need to keep asking it to keep it's mitts to itself.

Take care. Katy

[Oddities]

Thank you mate. I'm finding as my situation gets more overbearing I'm tending to have OCD tendencies which I believe to be my mind seeking order and uniformity in my surroundings.

Can I ask how long it took you to make what you feel is a full recovery?

[Oddities]

Thanks Katy, I'm at a point with my headspace that I'm always up for advice. Ive been attempting to reinforce a process where I will remind myself of previous times I've been in the same situations and how nothing bad has come from it. That helps but I'm still trying to develop these skills.

That sticky tenticle description is absolutely spot on!

Isn't it funny how something so consuming is so hard to describe to others who have not been unfortunate enough to suffer.

[Petal22]

No worries 😉 yes I understand..... when you wrote that your anxiety would make you double check everything it reminded me of the ocd I once had....... I would always double check things.... it was very time consuming....... you aren’t alone) many people have this condition....... through out my ocd therapy I learned what my compulsions were eg..... checking things ..... I did this on a physical level and I also had compulsions in my mind that I did...... I have recovered because I learned what my ocd cycle was and I stopped doing everything that held me in my cycle......

how long did it take me to recover? From the time I saw my gp through to seeing a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist.... then going to my ocd clinic ( were I learned to master my ocd) ..... 2 years..... it took 12 months for me to get into my clinic so while I was waiting I saw my phycologist for strategies ( which helped) and my gp for support and medication.... it took me a while to master the skills I was taught but now they come easy to me and I use them alot in my every day life......

I was taught mindfulness, meditation, thought challenging and how not to get caught up in my ocd cycle........ I credit a lot to meditation it taught me I am not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts....., ( you too can learn this)......... it all takes practice and perseverance but at the end of it all you come out a more wiser, stronger person 😊 we grow through what we go through......

never give up, keep pushing forward..... when I had a bad day I’d tell myself tomorrow will be better, I learned to develop a positive mindset and to look for the best in everything......

Im glad to hear you have a great supportive partner....😊

practice being mindful, I also practice gratefulness you could try it daily...

maybe try meditation.... it takes practice but it really helps with anxiety....

im here if you ever want to chat...... things will get better your condition is temporary you won’t feel this way for ever...... stay positive... there is light at the end of the tunnel.... keep talking 😊

[geoff]

Hello Oddities, and welcome to the site.

I am really sorry you are struggling the way you are because what it does is make us unsure of what's going to happen tomorrow.

It's like getting to the top of the mountain and then thinking you've left something behind, so down you climb to check and then climb back up o the top, this is so exhausting because having OCD is just that, as I also have this illness, and before, people used to ask me why are you doing this again, you've just done it, you don't need to check it again.

This is very difficult for people who don't have this illness to understand what's involved, they can't comprehend that it's a necessity, and makes us doubt our own ability, I feel so much for you.

With someone you love, how do you explain to them your behaviour, that is not easy, probably the best way is for them to search OCD as well as intrusive thoughts, the more they know and accept this type of behaviour certainly goes a long way in helping you.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

[Oddities]

It's nice to know there is light at the end of the tunnel, eventhough sometimes it's really difficult to see or keep hope that the light im seeing isn't just another lantern in the, what seems endless tunnel.

I've also been reflecting heavily as if my OCD behaviours are a defence mechanism in regard to my anxiety. I mean this in the sense that while I feel anxious I can not find any structure or order in anything so if I can create a small amount of structure I have something to focus my energy on.

Does this make sense at all?