I'm not suicidal but I wish it would end.

[anotherPeter]

To begin with, I am not suicidal. I am not a danger to myself or anyone else.  I am going through the experimental stages with medications.  Apart from sedatives I am on my third anti depressant.  Still it doesn't help. I feel that the medications are making me paranoid.  I am scared that someone might knock  on the door.  I am scared that the phone might ring. I am scared that I might get an email. I am terrified if a car drives by in the street.  I am petrified that I might have to talk to someone.  But I am lonely.  I do nothing all day except wait for the time to pass.  As I said, I am not suicidal and will not do anything to harm myself but I just wish it would all just end.

[thisaquarian]

Hi anotherPeter,

I think I know what you are trying to say - you wish that this feeling would end, right? I know how that feels, I can understand that. 

You do sound really isolated, so it's good that you are here on these boards chatting to us.  Could you go for a walk, or listen to some music? Do you have a friend to catch up with? Distraction can sometimes help.

Wishing you relief from the anxiety soon.

[thisaquarian]

anotherPeter, you mentioned on another thread that your wife is away at the moment... when does she come home? Can you call her? Perhaps a video call (Facetime) would do you good.

[anotherPeter]

I communicate with my wife and sons on Skype each evening. Although I love talking with them it is yet another thing that I am scared off. I need to be bright and cheerful so as to not worry her or the boys (they are actually men now) and that is hard to do.

[thisaquarian]

What would we ever do without facetime/skype eh!  I understand your need to appear like you're doing alright when you talk to your family... what an awful pressure. 

If it were my dads (I have two, 1 bio and 1 step) and they was going through this, I'd hope that they felt they could come to me about it.  I remember my stepdad battled with depression and mum having no knowledge or understanding of it stuck him on St Johns Wart and explained to us kids that he was just a cranky man sometimes.  Not even he understood it and so came the avoidance techniques such as alcohol.

My mum suffers from PTSD and Depression and tried to hide it when I was a kid.  As an intuitive person I sensed it even tho she was particularly good at hiding it... Later when I was in my 20s she told me that she was struggling and our relationship has been different ever since, so much better.

It's definitely your choice to do anything, I'm just sad that you feel that you can't be honest with your family that you're having a rough time.  If I were your mate in real life I would invite you to the nearest cafe for a cuppa.

[anotherPeter]

Hi Miss Kerri.   Unfortunately I come from a family where you put on a brave face and don't let anyone know anything is wrong.  That attitude is a big part of my problem, I know, but it is hard to shrug off generations of pride.  Personally I think my parents and all surviving siblings would benefit from counselling but some things are taboo...