i just dont know how i should feel

[stuggelingmumandwife]

I have been married for 10 years and over the years i have let my depression and anxiety get to me. This has caused  my marriage to suffer  resulting in very minimal sex and my husband  feeling unloved and un appriciated. Over the years my husband has made new friends at work which have been women. He would have lunch with them and would then start texting regularly. Over the years i have been jelous of the relationship and he has been honest  he has said he gets attention from them which is what he is not getting at home. Recently there has been one woman who i feel really insecure about.  They have been out drinking together (just them ) and text every day. He has told her of our marriage problems. I believe him that he is not cheating  but my anxiety and depression kick in and make it worse.  He says we are world's apart in what we like and want yet they have a similar job. He has a hobby which normally meana real early start so i don't usually want to go cos of kids however today he has taken her.  My behavior about her has caused problems for us as he said she is a good friend who he can talk to. How can i control my emotions and trust him. He has never cheated. If anything i should be the one who  cant be trustes. I cheated on him just before being diagnosed. Please help 

[geoff]

dear SMW, hello and lovely to have you join us.

Can I firstly say 'two wrongs don't make a right', and the circumstances before you became depressed as well as having anxiety maybe be taken into account but we don't know what or why it happened, but it could have played a large part on you becoming ill, but I can't say or presume.

I realise that when someone is suffering from depression that being intimate is the furtherest from their mind, so you can't be blamed for this happening, however men with their clubs hanging over their shoulder like many years ago, desire their pleasure, well I'm a male so I can say this, until you start to get to my age lol, and do become disgrunted when it doesn't happen, but times have changed, and better end it there.

However does this allow them to go out looking for someone else, which is what he appears to be doing, which only means that it's not going to make you feel any better, and then put your marriage on rocky ground.

He will say that you did it, so why can't I ( meaning him), but that may have been history, accepted and forgotten about, but what I know is that two people talking, having a drink together, texting and then participating in a hobby will let to trouble, and you say that he has not cheated on you, but is this really the case.

If this ever happened in my marriage when it was going in the same direction as you /him are, then an old saying comes into it, 'where there's smoke there's fire'.

To me you are in an awkward situation, and I would suggest marriage counselling for this matter to be 'done and dusted', because at the moment it's getting way out of hand.

I would also suggest that if you haven't had any counselling yourself that this is very important, because what seems to be is that he is moving in one direction and your at a stand still or perhaps falling backwards.

I hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Kennaugh8]

Hi struggelingmumandwife,

One of the most important aspects of a relationship is trust and communication. If there is no trust or a lack of communication between two people, there will inevitably be issues that arise.

Does your husband know how uncomfortable you are with his friendship with the other woman? Given how much concern it is causing you, it may be worth opening up to him and expressing clearly how it makes you feel. In circumstances like these where you feel physically disconnected from each other, it is really important that you keep the verbal communication lines open. 

Seeking couples counselling is another option to help work through the issues together so it doesn't feel like it's only one person's fault. 

Have you considered trying to find a hobby that both you and your husband can do together? Finding a mutual interest can help rekindle the joy of spending time together.

If you trust him, the best thing you can do is be open and honest. By doing this, it will eliminate some of the guess work which can cause you stress and anxiety.

Chris

[White_Rose]

Dear Struggler

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good that you can express yourself here and ask for help. May I ask you a few questions? How long has it been since you stopped getting out of the house much? You've had depression and anxiety for ten years and I wonder how long the really bad part has been. With depression, as we all know, it's so easy to let it rule your life and stop you doing those things that used to help you manage better.

The only person we can change is ourselves. What others do is up to them, but by changing ourselves we can find a way back to a previous life, so to speak. You have not mentioned receiving any professional help from your GP or a psychologist, or taking any medication. It's possible that doing these things may help you regain your joy in life and your husband will find he has a wife again.

How many children do you have? I had four children and I definitely understand the amount of work this entails. My husband felt he had done enough by going to work and was not required to help in the house. It's an old attitude but not helpful. Not that anything changed when I went to work. Children and housework were still my responsibility. The point here is that you may be a little run down, perhaps needing some iron supplements or the like to help regain your energy. What about exercise? Can you join a local gym? Walking is great but bores me silly so I don't do much. Instead I go to exercise classes were everyone else is struggling to get fit and we encourage each other. You may enjoy this kind of companionship and it may help your anxiety. The biggest thing I learned was although I could do very little exercise at first, I improved tremendously. And since everyone else had areas where they were not great we could console each other without feeling stupid. I wore a T shirt, shorts and joggers and fitted in well.

So I suggest you take yourself to the doctors and have a thorough check up. Talk about your depression and anxiety and have a physical check as well. I do understand your fear and the effort it will take to do this. Concentrate on the outcome, a fitter you, more able to join in with life. Go with your husband to his hobby and take the children with you. I'm sure they would enjoy more interactions with dad.

I think I have said a lot here and I hope you consider it all. I would like to talk further with you if this is OK with you. Think about what you want and write in again.

Mary