I feel like I am defined by my anxiety

[Karellen]

Hello,

I have been reading these forums for a few months now and thought I might try giving some advice before asking for some in return. As is happens I could not find anything positive to say and felt like I didn't have any useful advice to give anybody else. So I thought I would just go ahead and just say how I have been feeling.

I have had anxiety since I was about 13 (I am 26 now) and have periods of bad depression every so often as well. Though out this time most people considered me a shy person. No one really understood me and I could did not feel I could confide in anyone. Going into high school everything started to become a source of anxiety bu somehow I kind of just grit my teeth and bore it . By the time I got to year 12 I had a bit of a breakdown and had to see a counselor and I kept as many people in the dark about it as I could. I was reassured by my parents that life would get better when I went to university.

It only got worse. During the next few years I saw a few different therapist and took a few different medications and it was all for naught. I made no friends at university, failed more units than I passed, got suspended for 12 months for poor academic performance and have forgotten most of what I learned at the end of it. Ended up getting a low paying job with no relevance to my degree. I should just add that I also have no self-esteem or confidence in myself as a human being. No motivating goals or ambition apart from getting through the next day without having a mental breakdown.

The social anxiety aspects I could probably go on about forever as they are always on my mind. I am constantly agonizing over my limited experience with women, the state of my limited friendships and so forth and I can become really bitter about it. Seeing an attractive woman on the street can make me immediately feel dejected and slightly nauseous. What is that supposed to say about me?

Sorry if this is long winded but i have difficulty writing down my thoughts. The almost consistent anxiety, self-loathing and sexual frustration just seem to feed into each other making it difficult to concentrate. I have given up trying to talk to people about it as it seems to leave me more frustrated (my blood seems to boil every time someone suggests breathing exercises.) I guess I just feel like this all consuming state of mind is all I am but confused that it  has not destroyed me yet. Having trouble finishing this, sorry.

thanks for reading        

[Narniakid]

Hi Karellen and well done on reaching out and sharing your story!

Are you still seeing a councillor? If not, definitely consider seeing a psychologist regularly - when I found one I clicked with, I made remarkable progress towards recovery. Talk therapy is one of the most effective treatments, as well as medication. Take a trip to your local GP and they'll lead you in the right direction.

After reading your story, I suggest you make a mood board of all the things you'd like to do one day, photos of places you'd like to travel to, quotes that inspire you (have a look on Pinterest for some ideas) - hang it in your room or next to your desk, to remind yourself why you're fighting so hard: you ARE worth it! There's so many things in the world to experience, every day is a new opportunity!

I also recommend keeping a diary of what happened each day and how you felt about that, and a mood chart - not only is writing an effective tool for letting out all those negative thoughts, it will aid your doctor/psychologist in recognising the things that trigger you, and patterns in your thinking and behaviour.

Most of all, don't give up. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Crystal

[Karellen]

Thanks for your advise

I know I should see a counselor again but I am finding it quite difficult to start the process. I don't like burdening other people with my problems and find it really uncomfortable if people tell me theirs. When people give me advice they think will be helpful it just seems to infuriate me further. Reading your post has got me even more agitated, which is entirely unfair as you are just trying to help me. I'll try to go see my gp soon

Karellen   

[White_Rose]

Dear Karellen

Hello and welcome. Great to read your story and well done for reaching out.

You talk about no one understanding you. That's probably true for most of us. The way for people to understand us is to let people in to our lives. You say you saw a several counselors or psychologists, did you open up to them? A psych can only work with what he/she has from you. I would love them to have a magic pill or wand, but unfortunately they don't. My guess is that you tend to overthink many things, wondering if it is OK to talk about this or that to anyone, including psychs and friends. The reality is, there is no right or wrong topic. Courtesy is the greatest guide.

I've made it sound quite a simple process and of course it's not. When you are feeling anxious about everything the world becomes a threatening place. It takes a lot of courage to make the first step. But guess what? You have already taken that step by writing in here. Time to take step two, a visit to your GP. Crystal had made a couple of good suggestions and I have certainly found that writing down my thoughts and describing actions and incidents has been very useful. Writing stuff down is more like talking out loud, and this is very different to talking inside your head. Try saying your thoughts out loud and feel how different it is to merely thinking the thoughts. It adds a whole new dimension.

If cost is an issue in seeing a psych, then ask your GP to write up a mental health plan which will give you ten free psych consultations. It's a good start. I am trying to avoid telling you what to do. My comments are observations and practical options to your difficulties. However, I will comment on your statement, "I don't like burdening other people with my problems ". Helping each other is what makes the world go round, to quote a well-known saying.

I was recently unwell and needed to go to hospital every day for three weeks. A group of people took it in turns to drive me to the hospital everyday. You have no idea how this made me feel. Yes, a little guilty at taking up their time. But I also felt so cared for. I was in a cocoon of love and care and it was amazing. The anxiety about going to the hospital was hugely decreased by having someone to talk to each way. Letting someone help you can be a great relief but it also gives others the opportunity to show their care and concern about you. Those who do not want to help will say no and walk away. You give a gift to the others.

Write in again.

Mary

[Cat101]

Hi Karellen,

I so agree with Mary in the previous post about finding a psychologist that you like & click with.....and then really opening up and putting it all out there. It doesn't matter if you ramble or don't make sense....it's their job to guide you and sift out the information. It's what they do😊.....and remember, it's what they CHOSE to do, to help people.

My psychologist said two things to me when I first started seeing her....

   'Don't worry, I have a plan....so you don't have to.'

   'There is nothing you can tell me that I can't handle'

I walked away with such relief that someone understood and was going to help me, and that I would be alright. I understand that it is an exhausting process to go through, but so worth it to find the right person to help you and to give yourself up to their expertise. Perhaps my view is simplistic, and I certainly don't intend to agitate you further, but I hope you can find the strength to try again.

With best wishes,

Cat😊🌺