Lost in the Past - Relapse

SweetieCass · ‎02-05-2015

Hi guys,

I'm new to this forum, but I'm not new to this Mary-go-round of anxiety, So I feel a little silly writing this right now.

A good start to this story is that I have overcome this thing twice and been able to manage for a good 1.5 years currently. However I am slipping again.

My anxiety is not about the future, I'm pretty good at meeting that head on. My anxiety is about the past, which makes it so difficult to overcome because it's always there. I get anxiety about things in the past that I might have done but not thought about, or not thought what people would think. I get anxiety looking back at things like driving home, once I'm home, I worry about whether I ran red lights or cut people off. By this time my mind has usually distorted things and I can remember exactly what could have happened. Lots of small things like this and they can just ruin my memories and send me into panic.

Lately I have been less able to put these things back in the past. People keep telling me the last won't hurt me and I just have to move on but we all know how that feels. Sounds easy right? I have been getting worse and worse over the last few weeks and now here I am unable to function almost.

Yesterday was a crazy storm event. I work on an island so as soon as we heard things were going to get bad we were out the door to get home. The road can sometimes flood. Anyways we got to this road area and it was water over the road. I can't even remember how much!!. But everyone was still going through. Big cars small cars etc so I went through. Scared stiff but I followed the line of people, took my turn and slowly and carefully followed the line of cars . My work colleagues were one in front and one behind and we all went through ok, followed by many many more people on either side of be road. I'm not sure if they ever closed that road at all. Nothing happened, we were all through safe, I breathed a sigh of relief. However I could not stop shaking hVe been in panic mode since then. I know it was a stupid and horrible thing to do, I know how dangerous it was but I followed everyone. However I am stuck having flashbacks and anxiety. I don't know if this was just the last straw and my anxiety is back full time but I know I sure do not feel good today. I could not sleep.

thats my mind right now. I was wondering does anyone else get anxiety about the past?

can get rid of anxiety for the 3rd time without medication?

I hate being back here in my head.

White_Rose · ‎02-05-2015

Dear SweetieCass

Thank you for your post and welcome to Beyond Blue. Your story is one that I think many people will identify with. I certainly do.

My husband always bought old cars that were forever breaking down, usually at some unearthly hour. I was expected to go and get him by towing him home. Except that I was the one in the car being towed and it was always terrifying. What could go wrong? I have no idea, but I think it was not being in control of the car that was so scary.

If I slowed down when he thought I should not I was in trouble when we got home. And I was always shaking a like a leaf by the end of the journey. I used to revisit the journey in my mind and every time I would vow not to do it again. It was horrible.

I also got caught in a storm driving home one day and tried to drive through a flooded road. Actually the water was not very high but I had no idea how to drive in those conditions. So I let the revs drop and water got into the engine. I made my passenger get out and help me push the car out on to the higher ground and we waited until the engine dried out.

These things are quite terrifying. I have a number of memories of events that could have gone incredibly wrong and I still get flashbacks about them. Many of these things have faded over time and I only remember them because something has triggered them.

I don't actually know how I coped in the past other than just going through the horror again in my mind. As I say, they faded over time. One positive is that I try not to get into those sorts of situations but this is not a foolproof method.

I did talk to someone once about this. This person kept reminding me that the feared outcome did not happen, which was true. And this is what I have to keep in mind whenever I have one of "those" moments.

I do not know if you can get through this again without medication. It depends, I imagine, on how intense these episodes become. Can you remember what you did in the past to manage these memories? If you have a process, try to re-establish it.

Did you have some counselling help in the past? If so, can you return to whoever gave you that help? If not, what about asking your GP to refer you to a good psychologist. If this sort of thing keeps reoccurring it would seem that medication is not doing the job. Just keeping you calm for the time being. You do need a way to cope with this whenever it rears its head rather than turning to medication.

Please let us know how you are managing.

Regards

Mary

SweetieCass · ‎05-05-2015

Thanks for responding Mary.

I am a couple of days on now and have spoken to various people about the incident and it turns out that whilst it was a scary event, I handled it as best as i could, it wasn't as deep as I recall/imagined and I was not the only one feeling like this. This is some relief to me but still terrifying because I also didn't have a clue how to drive in this!

I don't know if it's my anxiety or memory but I just can't recall how I got through this anxiety trip last time. My family and partner have been great as they know how I react, however it's getting through day to day that is so difficult. That constant feeling of dread and the feeling that my mind is searching for something to clasp onto. A memory to deteriorate or damage.

I often also hear the adage that the past can't hurt me but this feels so wrong. I feel it hurting and scaring me every day.

I am currently sitting in a walk in clinic to see a doctor to get a referral to a psychologist again. However the area I am in means that it will be weeks before I see anyone. This seems so ludicrous! I'm also hitting the gym every day. However it's the quiet moments that get to me. I feel the dread of the anxiety hanging over me just waiting, picking at my memories.

I know this was kind of rambled but I guess that's where my mind is at the moment. I would love to hear any further tips for those that suffer with anxiety about the past? I honestly haven't met too many who feel the anxiety about the past.

Chris_B · ‎05-05-2015

Hi SweetieCass, hope you're finding the forums helpful so far.

The kind of rumination on past regrets, perceived or otherwise, does come up from time to time on the forums here. Have a look through the following threads and feel free to reach out to our other members:

Regret and winter blues

Regrets

The power of guilt

I left him, and now I regret it

Living with anxiety & depression - Work in Progress

White_Rose · ‎06-05-2015

Dear SweetieCass

Please don't let anyone minimise your experiences. The way you felt on any of these occasions was real and valid. It may be different to the way others perceived it but that is beside the point. We do not all see these things in the same light. Your friends want to ease the pain and fright you felt and that is lovely. The problem is that it just goes underground and you are left with additional feelings of incompetence or exaggeration.

We all have our tolerance levels for everything. My daughter is afraid of spiders and telling her they will not hurt her is pointless. This is how she feels. In this instance it is not a huge problem in her life but it could be and trying to tease or joke her out of it is unhelpful and would increase her anxiety.So a close encounter with a spider is scary for her and when she remembers it is stressful.

I know this is not exactly the same situation for you, but it's similar. Someone telling you it's not as bad as you remember is not helping. Saying the past cannot harm you is also unhelpful. The past does have a habit of coming back to bite you, as the saying goes.

This is not to scare or worry you. Your fears are as valid as my daughter's about spiders. Just because others do not feel these things does not make them stupid, irrational or imaginary. You can learn to manage them and maybe to be able to dismiss them when you get some good help.

It's good that you are looking for help and I hope you will be able to see a psychologist soon. When we are sitting with our thoughts it can be an anxious time. Have you considered meditation? It does help to sit in quietness, both mind and body.

So good luck with the psych. Hope to hear from you again.

Mary

Maryjane12 · ‎14-05-2015

Hi SweetieCass,

I seem to be experiencing something similar to you. Out of know where I will remember something that happened in the past and I just can't get it out of my head. These memories make me feel guilty and like I am a bad person, no matter how much people tell me these feelings are irrational. I also get fixated on things such as other cars honking at me, or thinking I ran a red light, minor issues that in reality are not meant to be a problem. I am scared that this will plague me for my whole life and also want to know whether you can recover from this and effectively deal with any relapses to prevent them from causing another downfall.

Mary

SweetieCass · ‎14-05-2015

Hey Mary

Thank you for posting. As awful as it sounds, it's a relief to hear that I am not on my own with this. What you have described is exactly me as well.

Good news is that yes you will feel better and you won't have the constant anxiety or fixation. However it does take a lot of work. As I said in my first post, this is my third time on the merry go round and I am working my hardest to get through again. The difference between this and the first time is that I know I can get through it!

you will get through it and you will feel stronger than ever! After that point you will know you can handle it. Until then you need to focus on that moment to get through. I used the help of a psychologist and tried medication. They worked for me but it may be different for you. The best thing I found was exercise.

Thank you again for posting. Feel free to keep posting, I'm happy to reply to any questions.

Maryjane12 · ‎15-05-2015

Thank you for your reply SweetieCass. I agree that it really helps to know that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing as you. Thank you very much for your help. Best of luck.

Mary

Guest_937 · ‎18-07-2015

I constantly worry about the past. I worry about forms I've filled out - that I haven't read it correctly, have given the wrong answer and will consequently go to jail for fraud.

I worry that I didn't notice a speed sign when I was driving last week and will get a ticket

I worry that I stuffed up at work (on something I didn't notice) and will get sued.

I often will make a judgement call on something, and feel completely OK with my decision at the time, only to wake up in the middle of the night a week later in a panic and kicking myself for not thinking of a possible outcome of my decision, and not being able to believe I took that risk.

It's the story of my life...