I hate myself

[MacDonald]

I hate myself. So much.

I have realised recently that this is my main issue. My Dad has constantly reiterated to me that this has always been the problem, but it has really intensified recently.

2 years ago I left my hometown Brisbane and moved overseas. I was shocked how much happier I was when I left. When I was forced to come back 6 months ago to finish my degree I felt all my past issues hit me in the face and I feel like my insecurities about myself and resentment from the past is ruining my life and all my relationships.

I hate myself so much that the 2 years that I was away I lied to everyone that I had finished my degree. It made me feel better. How was I going to explain that I was 22 and hadn’t accomplished anything with my life? I know no one really cares what they’re doing except for themselves, but it made me feel better pretending that I at least had a grasp on things. The lie caught up to me, I was stupid to think it wouldn’t, and it has made me feel ashamed and embarrassed and I regret nothing more than telling this lie that ironically ended up hurting me more than helping me.

My mum, who I have always been really close with despite our relationship being extremely destructive, is out of my life. She drank too me, hit me, and when I called the Police on her she turned her whole side of the family against me, including her parents (my grandparents) who I had been living with. They sent an email to my entire family (including my Dads side) advising them to beware of me and that I was dangerous and a liar. I was left homeless in the UK with no money where my Dad helped me go back to Australia. I lost all my belongings as they were at my grandparents and my Mum had stolen the house. My parents are now going through a divorce where Mum is trying to take everything. I think this abandonment from my Mum is a big issue in the scheme of things.

The boy I was dating in London when things with my mum went sour told me on the same day it all happened that he had cheated on me. I was so emotionally damaged I let him keep sleeping with me and I pretended that he really did care and I wasn’t his toy. I needed to feel loved even if it was pretend.
 

[findmeagain]

Step back and see who you are if you feel guilty of your lie that is a good sign as you are aware of what you did was wrong. Call and talk to friends that you trust and feel comfortable with that helps me.

[Meowface]

Sorry to hear your going through a rubbish time. I think writing it out helps and you will find lots of great advice in these forums.

That is awesome you had such a great experience overseas and shows it might be those external stressors (that sometimes we really can’t control) pushing things too far. Have you thought about talking things through with a psyc?

PS I know a few ppl who have lied to families about studying/finishing degrees. Before I dropped out of uni I pretended I went there on my birthday and wrote myself a pretend birthday card from a fake “friend” to show my mum. Lol sorry not trying to make light your situation but I do laugh about that now. My mum recognised my handwriting straight away!

Hang in there and please be gentle with yourself xx