I feel like I failed as a good person because of anxiety

[TheWayfarer]

I didn't know where to turn to after this incident, but I feel like I have lost a really important person in my life and it's because I failed to keep on top of my anxiety.

About three years ago, I had persisting issues with swallowing, severe anxiety, severe depression, and eating disorders (I wrote about it on this forum and thank you so much to everyone that contributed, it really helped). Come 2019, I felt like my life had gotten a lot better - I was actually able to eat with a little more confidence, I was playing sport and keeping fit and actually had heaps of jobs (I counted, 6 different contract work that was meaningful) and studying.

From these successes, I felt a lot more empowered to share my story because I wanted to let people know they could achieve anything because of that. But having severe anxiety and depression and a history of trauma - life doesn't always work out being sunshine and rainbows.

I met a really amazing friend. He was so supportive, funny, intelligent, uplifting, and really, really kind. I felt safe with him and opened up so much about my journey I bottled inside. I was so scared he'd leave knowing the truth about my illness but he was still there. Then I eventually developed feelings for him, to which I felt guilty for being I knew he was going through such a difficult time. They were unreciprocated. I was scared to reveal them after I have a history of trauma relating to my sexuality. But he was fine with it. Actually, I thought that brought us closer.

I really felt like this was a relationship I wanted for the long term. But we'd have these conflicts where he'd reveal his frustrations and anger towards me that I feel so horrible for and that perceptions of emotional manipulation. I feel horrible he's felt this way this entire time - and I wasn't aware of it. I thought I was just sharing it with someone that truly accepted me for who I was... I didn't realise he was so hurt and angry. He doesn't trust me.

Long story short, recently he got really angry and told me all those things and I feel so horrible. I feel like I lost someone really dear to me and that I failed because I couldn't see the world beyond my anxieties and trauma. I'm too scared to share this part of myself now, at risk of hurting the people I love. He doesn't trust me. I'm worried that he never cared.

I haven't stopped crying, can't sleep for over 3 hours a day for the past 2 weeks and possibly jeopardised a job interview.

I'm so sorry.

[bluenight]

So he feels like you're selfish because a lot of things in your relationship according to him revolves around you or you gain a lot of support from him but he feels that's he's not getting much back? Is that what you mean? I didn't follow everything you said

[TheWayfarer]

Hi bluenight,

Sorry, I was really panicky when I wrote this so it is super hard to follow...  The price of having a lot to say and not many characters to say it (or being super verbose ha).

It was just my assessment on the situation. He does so much for me and I feel so inadequate to give anything back. And there were instances where I could have been a better friend like being a better listener and being much more catering to what he wanted but I didn't do it. Anxiety just freezes me up I get scared I'll do something wrong that I don't do anything at all, but internally I'm screaming to move and try and do something but don't end up doing it.

We have had talks similar to our friendship being moreso on my selfish end... and I feel so horrible that was the case and I didn't even pick up on his pain and hurt until he brought it up. That's another reason why I felt like such a bad friend.

He doesn't deserve being burdened from another person's issues when he's got so much on his plate... especially when they couldn't do anything in return.

[bluenight]

I could be wrong but from your brief description he sounds like a good friend a nice guy actually. If he and his friendship mean a lot to you then I think you should really try to make him feel that you're interested in him. I'm guessing he wouldn't actually mind the relationship leaning more towards you and what's going onwith you but I think he just wants to feel that it's actually worth his time to invest in you. So maybe show him that you care and take more interest in him.

I know how you feel about you wanting to do something or knowing what you think you should be doing and anxiety or whatever is just stops you, it happens to me a lot and I can totally relate.

[TheWayfarer]

Thank you bluenight.

He really is a great friend and nice guy. So many things that have turned people away like my mental illness and identity actually were breaking points which turned people away (sexuality, social awkwardness, emotional distance and inability to understand things, being super slow), but he showed me kindness and still stuck around. The thing that hurts me inside is thinking I take him for granted and didn't care or consider him over all this time.

I have shown I was interested - I think what's muddled up was the idea I was pushing for romance rather than just wanting a friendship - but in essence, I just really enjoy his company. Screw the romance, I just want my friend back. It's made it confusing... and I really do push the boundaries when trying to be playful. It's really hard, there's a lack of trust concerning my intentions but I've been working so hard with my psychologist to navigate my feelings. I will admit, I slip up sometimes and do idealise things romantically, but I'm working to set that aside because I really appreciate the guy that he is.

I think what's really freaked me out was the fact that we went from talking every day, hanging out like 4 times a week and just having a good time. What's even worse is that from our fight, I don't even think those times where I thought we were having happy moments that he was actually happy. Especially with what he was saying about being frustrated and angry a lot.

It makes me really sad. The last thing he said was he needed space. He's going through so much, so I understand. I was being really selfish thinking that he can always be there for me, when I haven't been able to help him the same way.

I sound like a monster saying this, but I don't know how to show I care. What hurt was he thought I didn't because of my actions, when I spend a lot of time hoping he's okay and wanting to know how he is. But thoughts and feelings don't always equate to actions.

I get misunderstood a lot. Anxiety and trauma doesn't help. I find it hard to express my feelings. But I don't want that to be an excuse anymore for bad behaviour.

I just wish I knew how he felt, and whether he really was angry over all those times. It makes me sad, because I want to believe it wasn't like that for him. That I was a friend.

But now thinking about it, maybe him asking for the space might be his way of saying he still wants to be friends and for it to work. I hope so.

I'll need to work on myself to be better.