New to forums - needing to get off this emotional roller coaster

[Tess0593]

Hi all

Not sure where to start but basically I have come to the conclusion that I have had enough of the current emotional roller coaster I'm on. I work full time (currently working from home due to COVID-19). I have anxiety and mild depression. I've suffered from chronic migraines and headaches all my life and for the last 9 months I have had chronic back pain. I'm currently on medication for anxiety and medication for the migraines (they also cause seizures and have had a big impact on my anxiety over the years). My back pain begun around 9 months ago and I have had countless doctors appointments and tests and no one knows what the issue is therefore I am in pain everyday and cannot do the things that I would regularly do.

I feel that every week is the same, I get up (struggle with mornings) go to work (that I dont enjoy, I dont know where I fit, dont feel like I am achieving anything), the evening comes around which I dread (I dont know why - perhaps that I dont want my husband to come home and see that I am in a bad mood yet again, I hate not being able to be the wife that he deserves), then bed time (again I dread because I cannot sleep because my mind does not stop). By the time Friday is here I am feeling so wound up and overwhelmed that I cannot wait to have a drink after work, I end up having a few just to numb the pain and calm down my thoughts.

By Saturday I dont feel well (too many drinks yet again, this makes me feel regret and angry at myself - my mum is also struggling with alcohol addiction) and I go about doing housework that never seems to end. I cant sit still, I am so restless all the time that I have to be doing something, if I'm not I get down. I like to have plans and I like to get out of the house, and yet I also have this anxiety of being out and being around people. A feeling of no motivation to do anything. Everything seems to clash at this point and I dont know what I want or what I need to be happy.

I've started doing yoga since working from home to get a bit of exercise and to help relive some back pain and stress. I listen to sleep stories and meditations most nights in bed (they dont help but I am persevering). I have started reading again.

No matter what I try, I always seem to end up back at the start because of this constant roller coaster. I keep falling off and I dont know how to stay on.

This morning as I started working I started crying. I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. Thats why I have ended up here...

[Gumtree77]

So sorry you are suffering. I know all too well where you are coming from. Have you thought about trying non medicated methods; eg acupuncture for your back pain? I speak from experience when I say medications sometimes make everything so much worse. The medications I am on have put me on a roundabout from hell...increasing my anxiety and causing the dry and burning mouth that made me fear cancer..as you can see from my other posts health anxiety has been the bane of my life since May last year. I need to lose weight to lower my blood pressure so I can get off those meds then get of the others I was prescribed for 'nerve pain' as they exacerbate everything!

And the current situation certainly is not helping those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety. I send you a virtual hug....I hope you have someone close who you can talk to or ring a counselling line for some support? And don't beat yourself up! You are working fulltime in pain.....you are a warrior in my eyes.

[Tess0593]

Thank you for your kind message. Yep, I have tried many different non medicated treatments for both my headaches and back pain. Acupuncture, chiropractor, remedial massage, physio. I hope to see a pain specialist after the covid-19 has settled down which might give me some answers. I hate being on medication, I know what you mean about making things worse.

I was seeing a psychologist however they were not regular enough and I was not getting the full benefit from it.

Thanks again, appreciate the support.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Tess,

Welcome to Beyond blue and well done for reaching out.

One of the things that kind of 'stood out' to me in both your post and the word 'rollercoaster' in your heading, was your concern about your drinking too many drinks, when you really don't want to. And also your Mum struggling with Alcohol addiction, yeah?

I'd like to suggest that, if you wanted to find a way to get off the rollercoaster of drinking but then finding yourself in a bad mood and feeling unwell as a result, that perhaps you could check out either Al-anon (if you are concerned about, and affected by your Mum's drinking) or Alcoholics Anonymous, if you are concerned about your own drinking.

If you would like to know more about these two fellowships, then for Al-anon please head over to https://www.al-anon.org.au/ and for AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) head to www.aa.org.au

Both of these fellowships are full of people with stories just like your own; being stuck on a rollercoaster, not enjoying work, drinking too many drinks and feeling unwell and angry .... was certainly my life anyway. The last 12 months of my drinking was a repeat of the same crappy stuff week after week. And I kept trying to promise myself and others that it would be "different this time, I promise" ..... but I was stuck on this merry-go-round of going nowhere and achieving nothing.

That was until I got help anyway. Going to AA has changed my whole life! And I certainly didn't think I needed it at the time though. I just thought I drank because things in my life were such a mess. But in recovery, I discovered that it was actually the other way around; the mess in my life was because of the drinking.

Anyway, I'm definitely no expert at all, and could be completely wrong, so if I have put my foot in it, I am really sorry. I certainly don't mean to offend.

I do just give it my best to help people, and that is my aim here; to help out if I can.

Please remember that in the meantime, while you are looking at all your options of 'getting off this rollercoaster', that BB is here for you for as much as you like.

Anyway, sorry but that's all I got for now. Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Tess0593]

Hi Soberlicious96, thanks so much for your message and for reading my story. I think my main issue is that every week is the same, my moods are up and then down, I feel good then I feel horrible. The drinks are my form of relaxation after a busy week but I know thats not the answer and that it is starting to make me feel worse rather than better. I guess I have seen what my mum has gone through over the years and I never wanted to be in that same predicament.

I think thats why I am kind of 'stuck' now, I dont know what to do to make myself feel happy anymore, the things that do or have made me happy in the past dont now. I can have really good days where I feel positive and have motivation. But then my dark days are also hiding around the corner ready to take me back down that 'rollercoaster'. I'm learning that the day will pass and that I just need to push through to the next but it can be so hard. Especially when you have to put on a brave face to your colleagues and family (they all know).

I have looked into the family alcoholics anonymous assistance websites previously when mum was very unwell. At first I did not get any help but I would like to give it another go and will check out the website you have provided.

Thank you again.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Tess,

Perhaps the whole 'Putting on a brave face' thing, is the very thing that's working against you, and to bring you down? Not that you need, or would even consider, telling your colleagues all about how you are feeling, or even your family for that matter. But sometimes, in order to get better, we need to get more honest.

I had many people say to me, in my early days of recovery, that "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got." Or, in other words, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Perhaps seeking help is a scary thought, especially when you are feeling so stuck. You feel like any decision you make will turn out bad, and so just end up sticking with the familiar ..... and end up staying on the merry-go-round for another turn. Familiar, yes. But not fulfilling.

I saw this poem once and it helped me to change my life; (I was only a few weeks sober at the time)

Comfort Zone
I used to have a comfort zone where I knew I wouldn’t fail.
The same four walls and busy work were really more like jail.
I longed so much to do the things I’d never done before,
But stayed inside my comfort zone and paced the same old floor.
I said it didn’t matter that I wasn’t doing much.
I said I didn’t care for things like diamonds, furs and such.
I claimed to be so busy with the things inside the zone,
But deep inside I longed for something special of my own.
I couldn’t let my life go by just watching others win.
I held my breath; I stepped outside and let the change begin.
I took a step and with new strength I’d never felt before,
I kissed my comfort zone goodbye and closed and locked the door.
If you’re in a comfort zone, afraid to venture out,
Remember that all winners were at one time filled with doubt.
A step or two and words of praise can make your dreams come true.
Greet your future with a smile; success is there for you!

Anyway, whatever it is that helps you out of the rut; be it the AA fellowship (which, I forgot to give you the number: 1300 22 22 22) or something else, like counseling or maybe some other support group or service, I do hope that you keep searching for whatever it is that will bring you peace and joy.

Take care. Still thinking of you. xo