Hi abluejay,
Welcome to the forums, and I’d like to think you can take
that feeling of “zero support” and add a few numbers to it now that you’re
here.
I am close to your age (35) and have been through long
periods where I can’t take care of myself properly either. Those have also been
the times when I’ve confined myself to the house, afraid to go outside.
You’re stuck in a landslide of negative thoughts about yourself
right now. I say landslide because when we’re feeling like this, one thing just
leads to another and they just get bigger: I can’t take of myself > my
dreams are shattered > I can’t go outside > no one cares about me etc.
Don’t know whether you have tried CBT (cognitive behavioural
therapy) before, but the main idea behind it is to pick up negative thought
patterns and help us to confront them and ask, how real is this?
There are tell-tale signs in your post of a number of these
thinking styles, and all of us have been through these at some stage. Have a
look at this page and see if you recognise any: http://www.get.gg/unhelpful.htm
The fact that you are panicked to the point of thinking
about self-harm is very concerning. Not sure what treatment you may have been
receiving up until now for your agoraphobia, but please go and see your GP, or
as a first point of reassurance at least give our support line a call on 1300
22 4636.
In the meantime, try to refocus your thoughts away from the
past and the future and concentrate on tasks in the moment. That might be as
simple as having a shower or making a cup of tea. That might be the only thing
you can do in a whole day right now, but that doesn’t matter. It’s all about
taking the first step. You can do it.
Take care, and please keep checking in.
best
CB
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Online Community Manager
