I could have done anything with my life... now I feel like I can do nothing at all.

[arise]

I always felt like I had to be the best at everything... If it wasn't the best, it was a waste of time.

I had no idea how much pressure I was placing on myself to be good at things without trying. Until later...On my third year of uni,my life slowly started to fall apart. Something inside me snapped...I was not the best. I was not worth anything. The pressure I put on myself not allowing myself to be a beginner at anything had lead to me no longer try anything.

I am 25, have no job, a uni degree that I can never work in because the thought of it makes me incredibly anxious, and I still live at home. I feel I can no longer try anything out of the desperate fear I will fail at whatever I do and not be able to handle it. I came from being a grade A student with a flair for creativity to someone who is scared to ask for a job at my local bakery out of fear I won't pick it up fast enough. I can't ask for what I want because I convince myself it is impossible to obtain. It gets so bad that when I am doing something where any kind of pressure is on, my mind completely blanks out, as if on purpose making me unable to perform the simplest task. I scramble for words, as my heart pounds. Please don't embarrass yourself. Please brain, just work.

I have convinced myself that my brain no longer works, that the person I was has been lost. I don't know what happened to me, but my mind has become my worst enemy and it is ruining my life. I want to be free of this negativity, this belief that I am worthless and have nothing to offer anymore. Has anyone felt like this before? Been completely consumed by the belief you can't so something and the fear that comes if you think about trying? I would like to hear someone elses story... to know I'm not alone.

[Daisychain]

You are not alone, by any stretch of the imagination.  I have a similar story, am a lot older than you, but I began my own business after years of working for other people.  It took off like a rocket and for the last 2 years I have worked 24/7 and even though tired took on staff, made plans for expansion.  Then one day about 2 months ago I just fell apart and had an anxiety attack that I feel has still not completely resolved.  I now doubt myself, hate my own business, have given away half my clients and have to force myself to work.  I find it hard to put one foot in front of the other, I can't sleep without sleeping pills and feel like I have a bleeding ulcer constantly.  It is like I look down on myself from afar and don't know where that intelligent, enthusiastic, fun person is anymore.  My husband and daughter can't truly understand what I am going through and I feel like all I do is complain about how bad I feel. All I want is to be the happy person I used to be and took for granted.  I know I am in there somewhere.  I look at photos of myself smiling so I know it existed once.  Don't give up.  If we do that how can we ever get better.  You are not alone.  S

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear arise,

Why should living at home when 25 be a bad thing ?   There's support, domestic stuff, people know where you are and your parents are probably happy to help.   You know it's OK.  Otherwise you would leave.

A lot of the brain isn't used.   Your subconscious would have those negative thoughts for eternity, like it's set in stone.   I'm composing for a big band and the writing is still fine but sometimes organising musicians is way too stressful for me so my wife does it instead.  About 10 yrs ago I stopped going to gigs so I'm always thinking "what a waste of time writing stuff that I don't listen to".  But, with composing, I've already heard it in my head.  I don't need to be a the gig.  Does that make me a bad musician ?  Should I stop writing ?   Probably not.

I'm thinking your study should be re-ignited.  Maybe a shorter course than uni.  Something you're interested in without having all the "it must be perfect" mindset.  It's more for the social than the study but, hey, you gotta start somewhere.  Even if you still feel defeated it's worth being involved if you can.  There's an old addage:  To Try is To Succeed.      Most failures help you learn something.   Look at politics.  Sorry, bad example.  Lol.

Adios, David.

[ccj987]

Wow I cannot believe how similar our situations are. I am a couple years older than you, don't have a full time job and still live with my parents. I have a degree in something which the far majority of jobs make me incredibly anxious. I was a high achiever at school, always near the top. So now I feel like I am basically failing at life.

I guess the only thing I can do right now is just try to get any job, because I can't stay unemployed forever. And if I crash and burn, really I'll just be in the same situation as I am now. But it does feel horrible. I become a completely different person when I am anxious and I don't like that person. I just can't handle any type of pressure. I was fortunate to have a job for a number of years which alleviated much of my anxiety and I was able to find my true self again after struggling through uni, but that job came to an end through no fault of my own and now I find myself in this incredibly stressful situation.  

So no, you are not alone. There are people out there in the same boat as you, I being one of them. I do know that things will get better, I just don't know when.

[anxiousguy]

Hi arise. You are definitely not alone. My life has turned into one of fear and hence I am facing the same situation as yourself. I suffer from chronic anxiety and ocd and the task of walking into a bakery/bar/supermarket to ask to speak to the manager and ask for a job is not just really hard anymore but an impossibility. Like yourself, the person I once was is gone.....dead, buried and cremated. Done and dusted. Finished. I suffer under any type of pressure (this is anxiety) and my mind goes blank too and I go to dust. My faith in myself is gone and I have no confidence. So don't feel alone, there are people like myself facing the same problems