How to stop the backward slide

[Leonay]

Twelve months ago I hit crisis point with work and family and attempted suicide. I spent time in hospital followed by ongoing support from a psychologist. Everything has been improving except my work where I feel intimidated by my boss, I have no support or understanding and I am now almost back where I started from twelve months ago. It has been a very noticeable slide over the last six months in particular. I vomit each day before work, I get so anxious I get chest pains when I see her let alone talk to her. I am working really hard with my psychologist to put strategies in place to cope but I am wondering how everyone else copes when they feel themselves sliding back down that path again. According to my psychologist I am actually showing considerably more anxiety and depression than when I attempted suicide last year but I haven't done anything. I have to admit I have had thoughts but the strategies I have developed have helped to stop myself from carrying anything out. I know that I should be doing things that make me feel good like my art but to be honest I am so exhausted each day by the time I get home I don't have the energy anymore.

I just feel like such a failure because I am letting my boss bully me, I'm too scared to speak up and my mental health has taken a really big hit. If anyone has any suggestions I would love to here how you are helping yourself. I love teaching (I teach primary school) but my boss has me in such a spin. I live in a small regional area so if I speak up it could hinder my chances of other jobs.

Please if you have any thoughts I would be every so appreciative. I hate feeling like this and I need a kick to help me to get myself out of this rut.

Thanks and take care

[smallwolf]

hi and wecome to the forums.

I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for about 3+ years. My slide occurred after seeing my psychologist which saw the introduction of the psychiatrist. So, most of the talk therapy is with my psychologist and my psychiatrist provides some help as well on how to see things. My issues also started with things at work. I would dread going to work.

Now I don't know if any of the ideas below are helpful for you but here goes ...

1. some people are idiots and have to work with them. What my psychiatrist said was worse however your boss sounds like one of these types. 😞

2. sometimes to get to the top of the mountain we have to go down into a valley to find an easier or better path to the top. At some point the valley will flatten and then turn upwards.

3. Can I ask whether you have any apps on your phone to help you with negative thoughts?

4. What sort of support do you have between sessions? Family or friends?

5. Journals of different types. gratitude, things to look forward to, daily reflection (positive)

Now I am not saying this is the case but it might be case your boss is projecting her own stresses or insecurities onto you. I know that does not help you with your situation but maybe a different perspective. There are things that I found quite difficult to do. These were things my psychologist asked me to do.... like talk with my boss, rock the boat and see what happens etc. From the post it may not sound like you are ready for that yet. Also with one of my "jobs" there was also a grumpy person to deal with ... one day I asked her if she was OK. That was when I found out part of her story.

Finally, I want you to know that you do an important job and sure you would be valued at many school. I hope you will come back and share some more of your story.

[Leonay]

Thanks for the feedback

1. some people are idiots and have to work with them. What my psychiatrist said was worse however your boss sounds like one of these types. 😞

I work with a very egocentric team. By that I mean that we differ in that I teach because I want my students to grow and mature into successful people. The others teach because when the students do well, they look good. Same desire but different ideals I guess.

2. sometimes to get to the top of the mountain we have to go down into a valley to find an easier or better path to the top. At some point the valley will flatten and then turn upwards.

Its been a very long deep valley and I am really hoping it flattens out soon.

3. Can I ask whether you have any apps on your phone to help you with negative thoughts?

No I don't have any apps. If you have any you have found helpful I will try almost anything once.

4. What sort of support do you have between sessions? Family or friends?

Unfortunately during Lockdown my daughters went and stayed at their mums for safety and one less stress for them of not swapping houses and I haven't seen them since. She has cut off all communication and because we don't have a binding agreement there's nothing I can do. And on a teachers salary I can't afford solicitors fees to take her to court. So my kids aren't here anymore. My own family have distanced themselves from me as well because they said it is my stupid fault for suggesting the girls stay at one place during lockdown to keep them safe (I'm a teacher, my partner manages a retail store and my ex wife is a nurse). So I sat down with the girls early on and asked them what they wanted because we didn't know what was going to happen and they said they wanted to stay with their step brother and sister so I let them. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do.

I have an amazing partner who is doing her best with a head case like me. She is very supportive and I love her to pieces but it is noticeably draining on her when I get down in the dumps.
5. Journals of different types. gratitude, things to look forward to, daily reflection (positive)

My psychologist has asked me to do the same thing but to be honest I struggle to see anything I am good at. All my boss points out are the negatives so there is little else.

Thanks for the advice. Happy to share anything.

[Petal22]

Hi Leonay,

So so sorry you have been feeling way..

Your boss sounds like she shouldn’t be a boss……. She should be showing you respect and support ……. She sounds like a bully ( so sorry you are dealing with this) bullying isn’t tolerated in the workplace….. you could report her to fair work…… ( you could do it anonymously)….. if you want to…

You arnt a failure keep telling yourself positive things about yourself…. Renew your mind… read positive affirmations……

your a beautiful primary school teacher…… you must be a very nice person to do this job…..

Hold onto the strategies you have learned and keep practicing them…..

give yourself some self love

Im here to chat

[smallwolf]

the apps I use are really only two - virtual hope box and relax melodies. These were recommended by my psychologist. Smiling mind is ok as well as headspace. Apps can be a bit like cars or computers... have to find what we like and works for us. However in my worst moments I was glad to have virtual hope box.

On journals... in the beginning I would turn to google for idea and answers. So some things to be grateful for might be something like "coffee in the morning", "listening to music", "clean sheets on bed". Perhaps small things that seem insignificant can be ... a starting point. For me, positives for the day would be "getting out of bed", "brushing teeth", etc. Another starting point?

I will address the other parts in a later reply.

[Leonay]

I do believe there may be legal issues but in small regional communities it is more complex. If I make an a issue of this, she can have an impact on me getting a new job. It isn't fair and technically it shouldn't happen but its the way it is.

I work hard with my psychologist to find positives but at the moment I see none.

I absolutely love my job and love teaching and love seeing challenging students finally start seeing the benefits of education. To do that is difficult but its worth it to see a kid smile and see self worth.

[Petal22]

Hi Leonay,

Thank you so much for your reply.

ok, I understand……… just remember the way your boss behaves is a reflection of herself……. It’s not of you……. I sometimes think about how someone like your boss must feel…….. she must feel awful inside with all of the negativity she puts out………. Try not to let her negativity come into you……… if I’m ever met with negativity by someone I always reply to them with positivity, love and light…… I believe those people need it the most! And it makes you feel better inside to put this energy out…..

Thats great you work hard with your psychologist……. Positives I can already see in you……. You love your job , teaching and seeing challenging students see the benefits of education….. you do that to see a kid smile or see their self worth…. I think that’s absolutely beautiful…… now that’s love! That’s positivity……. Always try to captivate that energy……. The energy we put out is the energy we will receive back…….

here to chat to you any time 😊