How to stop and look after yourself??

[SophieM]

Hi,

This is my first post. I have had anxiety (with panic attacks) and depression for 10+ years and on meds.I have a GP and psychiatrist and used to see a psychologist - who I have arranged to go back to.

I'm a Type A. Do everything. Do it perfectly. Lots of degrees. Work too much. Try to be there for everyone.

In the space of a few months - things have come crashing down. There are work stressors, family health issues etc etc etc... just lots.

I'm on leave from work now. I have troubles sleeping (without the aid of meds) and eating (because I'm just not hungry).

I know I am not OK - but there is always that thought that I should just "get back on the horse" and just "suck it up." Those thoughts that "everyone else is doing it - so why can't you?" Go back to working the crazy hours, doing too much etc etc.

How do you battle that inner voice? And how do you get over the fears of what other people will think of you for being off work/taking time to care for yourself? That they will think you are weak or not up to it? How do I get myself to a point where I can be OK with taking the time to look after myself - and to respond to people who might make mean comments about it?

Thanks in advance for any assistance.

[CJ1998]

Hey Sophie,

I have recently been through something similar to you. I was trying to juggle studying full time and working 25 hours a week, plus regularly going to the gym and still having time for friends and family. Trying to do all of this was causing me a huge amount of stress, but I was too scared to cut my hours down because I thought this would mean I was weak.

Eventually I couldn't handle it anymore and was having frequent panic attacks which led me to taking time off work. During my time off work I realised that I would have been better off cutting down my hours before getting to the point where I was having severe anxiety and wished I had of just done this in the first place. Luckily for me my management and team members were all really supportive and after talking through this with some people I was close with at work, I realised that many people go through similar things and have had to take time off for similar reasons! It may seem like everyone else around you has everything together, but it is likely that others are feeling similar pressure too and it wasn't until I bought it up first that others opened up to telling me their stories.

The important thing to remember is that your health should be a priority. It is more important to take care of your own health before anything else. If you haven't already, i would suggest seeing a psychologist to talk through what you are experiencing. I put this off for a long time because of how busy I was, but now that I am finally making the time to have these appointments, I feel like I am getting back on the right track.

I hope you start to feel better soon Sophie!

[SophieM]

Hi CJ1998,

Thanks so much for your reply. My work tends to be more of a "suck it up" place which is why I'm so worried...

May I ask - how did you get to the point where you could be OK with putting your health as first priority? Intellectually, I know this is the right thing to do - but actually putting it into action is so hard when there is that other side of me telling me to just "suck it up" and keep going...

Thanks.

[smallwolf]

Hi SophieM,

welcome to beyond blue.

I was in a similar place to you last year where I had time off work. I work(ed) for a small company and my boss was like you, but has now changed his view towards mental health. So back to last year... at the time I had time off work, I was suicidal. And it was damaging for the business I worked for. I was/am the brains. I was repeated and numerous phone calls with him that turned his opinion around.

As far the others who have that negative approach, I won't talk to them about what I am going through.Don't bite and just move forward.

When I would talk with my psychologist or psychiatrist I would say to them that my health comes first. After all, a dead me would not be very good for anyone. That might sound like a smart comment to make, but going down that route would not have good for anyone,

I would find that other people I talked to about what I was going through such as my barber or electrician said that I was brave in getting help and much respect to me.

There is someone in my family who was skeptical towards mental health until one their own children started getting mental health issues.

It is very hard for someone to understand what it is like until they have some real encounter with it themselves.

On battling that inner voice.. you will have or get tips and tricks and strategies etc from a professional, but there is also the things you can yourself. My psychologist told me to read a book titled "The Happiness Trap" that listed number of ideas as well. For example, thanking your mind when you have that negative thought.

Lastly, as for everyone else coping... that is the hard question. Personally I have found that people will present a front and on the inside can be battling. It was only when I started speaking to people, that I would get their stories back. Like they permission to speak as well.

In a talk by Brene Brown, she asked the audience if they thought it was weakness to show vulnerability. Yes, they thought themselves weak. And then, what thought of another person showing vulnerability. No it was NOT weakness. And you are not weak. In fact you are strong to speak up and look for help.

Tim

[SophieM]

Thank you Tim - your words "you are strong to speak up and look for help" brought tears to my eyes.

I think I am in almost a "post trauma" phase where my mind is a jungle of different thoughts and feelings. Somehow, I need to tune out my concerns about the perceptions of others. But I also put SO MUCH pressure on myself.

If you don't mind me asking, did you also have that internal monologue about just getting on with life - "bucking up" so to speak? If you did, how did you get to the place of being able to say that your health was your first priority and really focusing on that?

I have that book The Happiness Trap - I will need to give it another read.

Again, thank you for your kind words.

[CJ1998]

Hey Sophie,

I think initially I did not realise how putting all of this pressure on myself actually had a negative impact on my mental health. Once I got to a point where I had to take time off I realised just how much it was affecting me. I realised that if I was going to be happy and healthy it was going to start with taking some of the stress off of me.

My psychologist asked me the following, which might help you:

If someone you loved (for example a sibling or partner) came to you and told you how stressed work was making them and how they can't cope with it anymore, what would you tell them?

Think about your answer and apply the same advice to yourself

[smallwolf]

Hi again,

You asked me

did you also have that internal monologue about just getting on with life - "bucking up" so to speak

Constantly and still do. My mind works logically, not emotionally. That said, what my head might think (rationally) my heart argues differently. For example, my psych asks me "Am I deserving forgiveness?". My head says YES, but I think about it some more and answer NO. (This is the abridged version.) In other discussion with my psych, the rational answer of obvious, but for some reason I cannot buy it.

In relation to this argument I have within myself vs getting help was more case I thinking "I cannot do this". It was like a weight crushing me. And when I was suicidal, my home became my unsafe place. And I did not want to go "back" there.

Now I am lucky also that my wife and parents are supportive. And parents suggested that if I had to, to get a job that would had less stress, until I got my head right.

And I guess the other thing is ... if a friend told you this story, what advice would you give them?

Tim

[SophieM]

Hi CJ1998 - that's a very good question 🙂 i always seem to be much nicer to others than to myself 🙂

[SophieM]

Thanks for the reply Tim.

My mind works the same as yours: logically. And it can be hard to get my mind and my heart to get on the same page. There is a constant conflict between "look after yourself" and "just suck it up, princess."

If this was happening to a friend, I would be giving that friend comfort and suggesting that they take the time that they need to heal. I find it much easier to be kinder to other people - even strangers - than to myself.

In giving yourself the time you needed to look after yourself, were there strategies that you found helpful? e.g. taking things day by day or having activities planned out through the week to look forward to? I'm just trying to get a sense of what others found helpful...

Many thanks for your responses - I am just in the beginning stages of recovery and it is very helpful to see how others handled things.

Sophie

[smallwolf]

Hi Sophie,

When I was really down and not workings and since then a number of different strategies that my psychologist helped me with including:

• maintaining a diary of things the look forward to the next day, and
• included a pleasure, accomplishment and gratitude each day, and
• diary of positives during the day
• there were also activities to do each "day". for example going and sitting in park at the end of the day, reading, games, cooking, etc. (I was given a list with about 300 items on it, but some would not work for me.) the ain was to do something that would give (?) pleasure.
• I also use virtual hope box and relax melodies apps on my phone
• An app from the author of "the happiness trap" also has an app that will tell you to do things during the day, such as identifying sounds etc.
• coming here (to beyond blue) is helpful to me as well

• I also have prayer beads

Maybe the three things that helped me the most were

1. knowing the small things in each day were also positives. Things like getting out of bed, eating, brushing teeth, showering etc. also counted because some people would not or could not do that.
2. my psychiatrist acknowledging my thoughts and feelings were natural in my current state, even if they might be "irrational"
3. having someone that I could talk to about things inside my head. this counts for both my psychologist and psychiatrist at different times.

Hope that help,

Tim