How do I manage my anxiety to cope with a very difficult, angry, resentful teenage daughter.

[Micklemac]

I have been having problems with our youngest child, who is 16, for the past 18 months. She is always angry and argumentative and talks very disrespectfully, mainly to me: I can’t even have a decent conversation any more. I feel I am fighting a lonely battle as a single parent, and I do try talking to her about her behaviour. I have tried to discipline her sometimes by taking her phone away, I have also considered big incentives but nothing seems to make her behaviour improve. As far as I can tell, she isn’t taking drugs or drinking, although her friends have.
I know she is having difficulties with her homework as she has told me that she hates doing it and she is not doing well with her school grades but her teachers say she works well in class. She has lots of nice friends and socialises.

I have had two chronic health conditions and her father and myself are no longer together. There have been many times when she has had to take herself with her older sister to school or make their own lunch or be home by themselves or organise their sports activities. I work fulltime. She often talks about having a baby and/or getting married and what kind of house she would like. I am not sure where this conversation is going. There is very little acrimony between her father and I but he is rarely helpful or supportive of his children. I worry that she has been affected by the divorce and the health issues in that she won't discuss her issues because she does love her father and wants to please everyone I think by not letting on that she is worried. I try to show her affection to her. Sometimes she accepts it and sometimes she literally pushes me away. I ask her to do things with me. Sometimes she will. But mostly she is loud and argumentative and illogical and demanding and as if she really wants to be spiteful to me. Her father doesn’t get this treatment.
I have found her behaviour increasingly difficult and it is making me feel very down. I feel almost bereaved as if I have lost my daughter and anxious because I don’t how to help her or myself at times. We used to be close and talk a lot together and laugh a lot. I don’t know what to do. All I want is to have a relationship with her again. I love her so much.

[LesDave]

our worst behaviours are driven by fears. Your daughter is fearful and resentful and it is pretty normal as a teenager. Just annoying it is piling up on you in your own time of need. Part of what we can do for our kids is to help them to understand their fears and deal with them. If you can help her a little bit it will reduce your own level of anxiety, and you might learn something about managing your own fears.

[geoff]

Hello Micklemac, thanks for posting your comment.

Being at the age of 16 can be difficult for the parents or in your case just yourself because all your experience and the love in the world doesn’t necessarily protect her from thriving, and giving her the proper independence to become the person you want her to be.

The concern is that friends stick together, meaning if one is using alcohol and/or drugs then others maybe encouraged to do the same, I'm not saying that she is and hope I haven't alarmed you.

You could suggest she talk to Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 or perhaps you could call National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline 1800 250 015 for support in your state, or contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or through online chat.

I'd like to know how you feel about this.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Micklemac]

I should have mentioned this, which is that my partner and I and my daughter. She has anolder sister who has moved onto higher education this year. live together. She has asked why she should respect him. My replies are that he is my partner. She is resentful that I talk about her, with him. He has a property elsewhere. He has very little to do with her day today life or economically. I am a single parent in all ways. I think she is afraid I will abandon her.

[Micklemac]

Live together!